7-Eleven Gives America Its Sugar Fix On Slurpee Day

Today is national Slurpee day when 7-Eleven’s all over our great nation hand out millions of free sample sizes of their delicious frozen treats. The weird thing is that the free Slurpee samples actually lead to increased Slurpee sales. The small sample sizes simply are not enough frozen sugar water to satisfy the needs of the average red-blooded American. So, people go in and drink the free Slurpee and then buy an extra one along with Slim Jims and a pack of smokes and a tampon. Slurpees are addictive as hell. Remember being a kid and riding your bike to 7-Eleven on a hot day for some icy cold refreshment. Would a small sample cup have been enough for you? Maybe…if you were some kinda pansy Commie vegan kid. Sorry, that was redundant.

So, go forth my friends and guzzle down that frozen Coke/red cherry/Pina Colada processed sugar combo and enjoy. A cold Slurpee on a hot summer day is second only to blowjob on the list of life’s few guilty pleasures. And they ain’t giving blowjobs out for free any time soon.