To give you an idea of just how average last night's Billboard Music Awards show was, two of the top selling points were Robin Thicke's pathetic groveling to get his wife back and the first ever American performance of an Australian boy band called 5 Seconds of Summer. I'm sure all of the idiot teenage American girls just went crazy over that one. But the biggest spectacle of the night was a performance by a hologram of Michael Jackson, because there's no point in having actual music artists who are alive perform their actual hit songs when you can just play a glorified music video for a bunch of clapping morons. The standing ovation for a computer image was short-lived, though, when several hologram adult men came forward and said that hologram Michael Jackson had molested them when they were just hologram children. A hologram investigation is pending.