Belgium Soccer Fan Lands Modeling Deal; Kills Gazelle, Loses Deal

By Lex July 11, 2014 @ 12:04 PM

Axelle Despiegelaere Facebook Photos
There’s a lesson to be learned here about the dangers of chasing down good looking girls you know nothing about or maybe just how much blond teens love killing animals while on safari in Africa. The annoyingly named Axelle Despiegelaere was discovered by World Cup TV cameramen under instruction to show the faces of good looking female fans in the stands. Show producers were trying to distract viewers from noticing it had been five days since the last goal was scored. It wasn’t quite like Musburger openly masturbating to Katherine Webb, but they made Axelle instantly popular enough for L’Oreal to turn her fifteen minutes of fame into a quickie paid promotional video for their cosmetics. That’s when everybody learned of Axelle’s love of hunting down all God’s creatures great and small.

It was a gazelle or an ibex or an okapi she leveled with her rifle then posted to Twitter. Probably a poor choice if you’re looking to become the face of a major cosmetics company that prefers to torture animals slowly by rubbing mascara into their eyeballs and waiting to see how long before they whimper into full blindness. L’Oreal immediately distanced themselves from Axelle by erasing all their email communications and dropping a tactical nuke on the peeing boy in Brussels.

Axelle’s hobby doesn’t bother me so much. Seeing a beautiful girl bathing in the blood of the dumb beast she just felled from 500 yards is kind of a turn on. You don’t need any makeup, sweetheart, just gut that bitch and smear some victory offal on your face. Then we’ll wait until you turn eighteen and have sex in its decomposing body. I bet that gazelle’s friends get the message then. Get off my Africa!

Photo Credit: Axelle Despiegelaere/Facebook