By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 11:18 AM
Rudy Giuliani is pissed because Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime show was a tribute to Black Lives Matter from behind her Gucci leather bandito costume. Oh, senora, I can see your gato. Giuliani added some wicked dance criticisms just to remind you he’s old and no longer has his prostate:
The halftime show I thought was ridiculous anyway. I don’t know what the heck it was. A bunch of people bouncing around and all strange things. It was terrible.
Hold steady, gramps. It’s the half-time show of the Super Bowl. The man folk are supposed to be taking the dog out to shit and refilling the ice. Beyonce outplayed Cam Newton. Nobody seemed upset that Gay Beethoven kept grabbing his junk and trying to shill another Coldplay song that sounds exactly like that last Coldplay song. You’re better off without Gwyneth Paltrow beneath you complaining. I’m talking to you, Bruno Mars. It’s CBS. Old people simply can’t seem to turn it off.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 21, 2015 @ 1:33 PM
The streaming music Tidal has swept the nation and re-defined the way music is consumed by being completely forgotten about since their underwhelming launch six months ago. Tidal was the brain child of Jay Z and a bunch of other extremely high earning music stars who didn’t like not earning even more for their streamed music. Tidal runs the risk of being the first thing Jay Z has ever touched that didn’t turn to gold. Or have a baby come out of it.
Jay Z and the crew of music artists who make $100 million a year but want another fifty because wrapping your house in gold by the foot is more expensive than you think held a marathon concert event at the Barclay’s Center that threatened to go on forever unless people signed up for the premium pay option. This is the time if you’re a struggling small business owner you send your wife out front with her tits and ass hanging out to drum up business. Which is exactly what Jay Z did. Will it help Tidal turn the corner? I’m pretty sure nobody gives a fuck. There will still be ham on the table come Christmas. The baby can have some too if they remember where they left her.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Michael September 14, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
I, like Beyonce, am from Houston. I’ve been living with Beyonce and her tits for decades and I am exhausted. I’ve reached peek giving a shit about Beyonce’s tits. Fuck, I’m lying.
If you still like Beyonce tits, here they are. (Last Men On Earth)
Rhian Sugden and her tits help you count the days. (Egotastic All-Stars)
FEMEN crash a Muslim conference in France with their tits. Inshallah! (TMZ)
Lindsey Lohan acting all sexy just made me gay. (Drunken Stepfather)
Let’s celebrate the start of football with some hot fan sluts. (The Chive)
Elle Fanning and her sideboob is dangerous. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kylie Jenner needs to buy a fucking bra. (Popoholic)
By Matt June 17, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
It’s amazing someone whose only interest is their appearance could fall on their ass like this. I don’t care about fashion or even wiping the stripper crumbs off my Dickies but if my girl tried to leave the house like that I’d have to pull the yellow card. Beyonce recently angered her fans by claiming she had some big career news which turned out to be she hadn’t eaten meat for 30 days, unless you count Jay Z’s tube steak. She’s also starting a vegan meal delivery service perfect for disgruntled yoyo dieters and the iron deficient. You look like Jay Leno’s shopkeep. Or like Patrick Swayze just rescued you from Hurricane Hugo. More or less like a fucking idiot. I haven’t thought about clothes this much sense waking up butt naked at Burning Man with tire tracks on my ass. Someone’s seen Mad Max a few too many times.
Photo Credit: Beyonce.com
By Matt June 09, 2015 @ 11:59 AM
Beyonce went on Good Morning America after having stated she was going to announce some major news such as a new album or a third tit but it turned out to be a lie in the name of self promotion. The announcement was that she had been on a vegan diet for 22 days and is starting a vegan meal delivery business with personal trainer Marco Borges. Then she posted a bunch of photos of herself in a swimsuit and called her landscaper a pervert. Her shitty behavior came as a shock to the cat ladies who worship her although they have yet to realize she’d spit on them in an elevator. She had sanctimoniously promoted the appearance heavily on her website with such teasers as:
“Tomorrow morning Beyonce has something amazing she wants you to know. You’re gonna love it.”
It seems Beyonce doesn’t have much respect for her fans, which makes sense because nobody else does either. You’ve got to have a lot of nerve to promote the fact that you’re going to be promoting a side business aimed at your cotton candy eating constituents. No word on whether Beyonce will stick with the vegan diet or if she even knows what that is or just signed a notarized document promising her more money. The meals come in a week’s supply and cost between $9.76-$16.50 each. That’s a lot of money for something you could feed to your turtle. I’m rooting for this business to crash and burn like a vegan after walking a flight of stairs. Beyonce is now promoting an event where you get to wait in line and hand her money. Actually her assistant but you can smell her flats. That’s a lot of burgers.
Photo Credit: Beyonce.com
By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 11:06 AM
Beyonce is being lambasted for pouring out a $20K bottle of champagne in a music video where she and Nicki Minaj encourage girls to use their tits and ass to get ahead in life. If you’re watching Beyonce music videos, you have to know that your powers of deduction aren’t going to carry you. Heed Aunt Bey. A number of people who have little sense of how life works got pissed that Beyonce wasted so much money when they’re struggling to pay their rent or the college tuition nobody told them to take on.
Here’s the thing, Char and Ash and College Guy. Whether Beyonce drinks the champagne or dumps it out to look bad-ass on camera, it’s not your twenty thousand. The alternatives was never her paying for your Anthropology degree or solving the drought. That latter one doesn’t even make sense. Beyonce’s husband owns the champagne company and a good chunk of the stupid Tidal music service you paid to witness this horror. Those cunning fuckers make money while you spend and Tweet about not having enough. Go buy a Diet Snapple and just toss it in the trash. Get a taste of the good life. Then pluck it back out of the trash because that’s your food money for today.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter