Beyonce Canadian Tuxedo

By Matt June 17, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


It’s amazing someone whose only interest is their appearance could fall on their ass like this. I don’t care about fashion or even wiping the stripper crumbs off my Dickies but if my girl tried to leave the house like that I’d have to pull the yellow card. Beyonce recently angered her fans by claiming she had some big career news which turned out to be she hadn’t eaten meat for 30 days, unless you count Jay Z’s tube steak. She’s also starting a vegan meal delivery service perfect for disgruntled yoyo dieters and the iron deficient. You look like Jay Leno’s shopkeep. Or like Patrick Swayze just rescued you from Hurricane Hugo. More or less like a fucking idiot. I haven’t thought about clothes this much sense waking up butt naked at Burning Man with tire tracks on my ass. Someone’s seen Mad Max a few too many times.

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Beyonce Finally Paying Attention To Herself

By Matt June 09, 2015 @ 11:59 AM


Beyonce went on Good Morning America after having stated she was going to announce some major news such as a new album or a third tit but it turned out to be a lie in the name of self promotion. The announcement was that she had been on a vegan diet for 22 days and is starting a vegan meal delivery business with personal trainer Marco Borges. Then she posted a bunch of photos of herself in a swimsuit and called her landscaper a pervert. Her shitty behavior came as a shock to the cat ladies who worship her although they have yet to realize she’d spit on them in an elevator. She had sanctimoniously promoted the appearance heavily on her website with such teasers as:

“Tomorrow morning Beyonce has something amazing she wants you to know. You’re gonna love it.”

It seems Beyonce doesn’t have much respect for her fans, which makes sense because nobody else does either. You’ve got to have a lot of nerve to promote the fact that you’re going to be promoting a side business aimed at your cotton candy eating constituents. No word on whether Beyonce will stick with the vegan diet or if she even knows what that is or just signed a notarized document promising her more money. The meals come in a week’s supply and cost between $9.76-$16.50 each. That’s a lot of money for something you could feed to your turtle. I’m rooting for this business to crash and burn like a vegan after walking a flight of stairs. Beyonce is now promoting an event where you get to wait in line and hand her money. Actually her assistant but you can smell her flats. That’s a lot of burgers.

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Beyonce Wastes Champagne

By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 11:06 AM


Beyonce is being lambasted for pouring out a $20K bottle of champagne in a music video where she and Nicki Minaj encourage girls to use their tits and ass to get ahead in life. If you’re watching Beyonce music videos, you have to know that your powers of deduction aren’t going to carry you. Heed Aunt Bey. A number of people who have little sense of how life works got pissed that Beyonce wasted so much money when they’re struggling to pay their rent or the college tuition nobody told them to take on.


Here’s the thing, Char and Ash and College Guy. Whether Beyonce drinks the champagne or dumps it out to look bad-ass on camera, it’s not your twenty thousand. The alternatives was never her paying for your Anthropology degree or solving the drought. That latter one doesn’t even make sense. Beyonce’s husband owns the champagne company and a good chunk of the stupid Tidal music service you paid to witness this horror. Those cunning fuckers make money while you spend and Tweet about not having enough. Go buy a Diet Snapple and just toss it in the trash. Get a taste of the good life. Then pluck it back out of the trash because that’s your food money for today.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter

Sarah Jessica Parker Still Sneaky

By Lex May 05, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

2015 Met Gala  Sarah Jessica Parker LB
Sarah Jessica Parker snuck onto the red carpet of the Met Gala screaming, I used to be one of you! Police tranquilized her more than she already was, boxed her, and FedExed her to Estonia where Square Pegs is the top rated show on television. Everyone agreed that Parker was insane and promised to attend a fundraiser for the twins she bought a few years back. Nude was in this year for gowns. Also, Kendall Jenner showed off her tits, which she has affirmed is the best way for people to like her. All the girls complimented each other on their prettiness even as they lamented the fact they only make 947% of their male counterparts. Wait for the HBO documentaries and you’ll see just how hard life is for the wealthy and good looking.

Photo Credit: Getty

Celebrities Show Off Their Bikinis On Christmas

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Beyonce Xmas Bikini

Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter

Beyonce and Jay Z Greet the Future King and Queen of England

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge Prince William And Catherine Meet Beyonce And Jay Z At A Brooklyn Nets Game
The royals of England came and met with the Beyonce and Jay Z to discuss such things as how best to garage your fleet of Bentleys during the snowy season and a brief but telling trivia contest on how little each knew about the current whereabouts of their children. The meeting itself court-side at the Brooklyn Nets game was fairly brief, but served the purpose of allowing the British monarchs to be seen with important black figureheads in America without having to fake smile through another insufferable Obama dinner. Prince William once more was forced to fire his wardrobe chief for failing miserably at making him blend in at a commoners event.

Photo Credit: Splash