ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP - has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE - carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere - just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
Beyonce performed at the music awards show for MTV Europe last night, and luckily we can witness it through these pictures and not in real life because it’s really uncomfortable when someone who isn’t sexy tries to act sexy. She has a very pretty face but big ass + no tits = not sexy. All this does is highlight that. Beyonce is making this really awkward. It’s like watching your mom flirt. I would call her Ms. Knowles if we were in the same room, and lean back and offer my hand if she tried to kiss as a greeting.
Beyonce is in Croatia today (wait what) and she went for an ocean swim in a little bikini despite the fact that she said in a recent interview that “she feels insecure about her body offstage.” (source = the sun)
And it’s no wonder. The other rap guys must give Jay Z hell above his womans flat stomach and human sized ass. And why are her hips in line with her shoulders? Women should be built like an iceberg, from the chest down they should just get wider and wider and wider. And wider. And wider and wider. And wider. Wider. Rawr, I’m gettin all hot just thinkin about it!
In 2004, when Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance on Will and Grace, she brought 75 assistants, including an eyebrow specialist and someone whose job was to hold her coat. In 2005, Mariah Carey had her limo circle the block at 2:15am until her London hotel laid down a red carpet lined with white candles and rose pedals because she refused to walk on concrete. Neither one of them is the most annoying bitch in this story.
“Beyonce Knowles reportedly took a caravan of cars to transport herself and her entourage across the street.
The singer, who was staying at the Madarin Oriental hotel in Hyde Park (London), left to go shopping at the famed Harvey Nichols department store.
Which is about 45 feet from her hotel.
Instead of walking across the street, Beyonce took two vehicles full of bodyguards and personal assistants to drive down the road and make a U-turn in order to be dropped off in front of the store.
(She) was given a 20-minute guided tour around the department store (then) took the same route back to the hotel.”
In Beyonces defense, she confused “Harvey Nichols” with “Tim Hortons”. One is a department store, the other sells doughnuts. So she needed cars with as much room as there is in her stomachs. It’s also why the tour was only 20 minutes. She asked “where are the doughnuts” twice, then “no really where are the doughnuts”, then “what do you mean there’s no doughnuts”, then she slumped to the ground and cried. By then someone had gotten her doughnuts, and so there was really no point in sticking around any more.
NOTE - changed out the banner picture with one from the Daily Mail to show how close her hotel really is.
Beyonce struggles with stairs in general (ahem) so God only knows how hard someone had to keep from laughing when they told her to try these. This is like something a shoe thief would be made to do in “Saw”. But she’s been wearing this crazy crap all week. Only a celebrity would be dumb enough to pay way way more for something that is way way worse. The dumber the idea the more they’ll pay. No normal person would tape two quacking ducks to their feet, but a celebrity would if the ducks were endangered and cost 900 dollars each in a store with it’s own DJ.
(who = Beyonce Knowles, where = Paris, when = 5.5.9, image source = splash)
I have no idea what “board feed” is, but Howard Stern somehow got the raw board feed of Beyonce live on the Today show, performing that song she stole from that hot blond chick (this one), and it’s hard to even imagine anyone has ever been worse at anything than Beyonce is at singing. Which is amazing because imaging things is very easy. Like, imagine you were a knight with a sword fighting a dragon on the moon. It might not be much but there’s at least a picture in your mind, right? Now imagine anyone worse than Beyonce. Nothin, right?
