By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 9:39 AM
You’ve just got to see my vacation photos. There’s me in my bikini. Me in my bikini on the beach. Me in my fabulous beachwear. Me kicking sand. There’s me being playful in my beachwear but in the cabana so no sand. Take a seat. I’ve got five more albums. Who wants a vegan lemon drop?
Beyonce’s Wonder of Me life tour continued with her curated photos of her weekend family vacation somewhere in the nation of France. Beyonce surpasses even Disney Annual pass holders in ratio of selfies taken on holiday. The Disney nerds are often alone, so they have an excuse. Beyonce threw in a couple photos of her stripper named baby that were Skyped in from her toddler labor and makeup camp in Greenland. But mostly the photos showed Beyonce posing with her legs together so she didn’t need to tip a dude from the Marseilles University of Phoenix to Photoshop in a decent gap. I’d be lying if I didn’t say Beyonce seems to be living the life. It’d be nice to see the superstar going into the schools and inspiring slow-witted children to dream big. Nobody ever gives rousing speeches in the summer remedial classes. It’s time.
Photo Credit: Beyonce
By Jack September 17, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
Overexposed harpie Beyonce had her thighs Photoshopped in a bikini. Maybe it’s because she’s knocked the fuck up or maybe it’s just that she wants to pretend she still has thigh gap. Either way, she should fire her photo guy.
Check out Bey’s web of thigh lies. (TMZ)
Leonardo DiCaprio’s cock was named the UN peace ambassador (Gawker)
American Apparel comes out with see-through underwear. (Drunken Stepfather)
Amanda Cerny in a bathing suit is a very very good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miley Cyrus covers Led Zeppelin and the result sucks as much as you imagine. (Huffington Post)
Jenny McCarthy lost her wedding ring banging the lesser Wahlberg. (Dlisted)
(Photo Via Tumblr)
By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 10:44 AM
If I was a hot bodied woman, I’d lock myself in a bedroom in front of a large mirror and masturbate myself until the fire department kicked down the door and put me in hand restraints. Even then I’d find a way to get my paws onto my tits and shove a seamen’s locker worth of objects up my cooch. I don’t blame Beyonce for sending out photos of herself in a bikini. It’s her version of holding up a high school diploma in a smiling family photo. Everybody should be proud of something. For the intellectually retarded, why not some T&A photos. We’re all God’s creatures.
Photo Credit: Beyonce
By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 8:38 AM
Jay Z announced his wife is pregnant again or pretending to be pregnant or they found a surrogate willing to be killed after delivering the baby if her family can be airlifted out of Borneo or some shit. This one might be real because Beyonce is making insane demands of the people she keeps around to tell her she looks great in that face mask and that her last bowel movement smelled like Hidden Valley Ranch.
Members of her entourage are being required to only talk in soft voices, keep room lights on dim, and only listen to mellow music that reminds you of having a root canal in the 90′s. Once the child is delivered by golden tongs into this world, it will be free to bump Jay Z’s “Too Many Hoes” on repeat.
The baby is a huge blessing for Beyonce. Acting like a massive cunt is usually frowned upon, but having a bun in the oven or paying another woman to do the same gives you some leeway to bitch it up and throw that plate of asparagus against the wall because they aren’t organic. Don’t feel bad for Jay Z, he gets to fuck the lady who cleans up the asparagus after Beyonce retires to her calming couch.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 12:28 PM
According to Matthew Knowles, the Jay Z and Beyonce divorce rumors of the past several months were a complete fiction ginned up to create buzz around their summer concert tour. Knowles says he used to do this shit all the time when he managed Beyonce and Destiny’s Child:
I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on. So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.
I can’t believe Beyonce fired her dad as manager what with his Jedi Mind tricks and highly motile sperm. I’m not surprised by celebrity publicists creating buzz by dropping hot rumors in the media trades before a tour or album release. What is more interesting is why people actually give a shit if Beyonce and Jay Z stay married and pretend to co-parent the stripper named baby Beyonce hasn’t touched since she accidentally brushed it with her elbow when writing a check to the surrogate.
When my girlfriend comes to me and says, so and so broke up, isn’t that sad. I say, yes, very very sad, because I still desire oral sex in my life. But what I’m thinking is why the fuck is it sad that two people who make each other miserable have decided to no longer be miserable. It’s sad when somebody you love dies, not when somebody who you’ve been contemplating poisoning for the last six months says, we need to talk.
Photo Credit: INF, Fame Flynet
By Jack August 25, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Beyonce did her best at last night’s VMAs to dispel rumors that she and Jay Z both wish they were fucking somebody else at night. They were all snuggly and used their stripper named baby as a prop for their lies. Let it go, B.
Read all about Jay Z and Beyonce’s brave face. (Dlisted)
Selena Gomez forgot her bra and showed the heap of sideboob. (Popoholic)
Laura Cremaschi and her ass went to the beach. (Hollywood Tuna)
Are Ireland Baldwin And Angel Haze flicking each other’s beans? (Huffington Post)
Let’s talk about Taylor Swift’s sweet ass at the VMAs. (The Superficial)
Elsa Hosk shows off her Swedish bottom for an Italian magazine. (Drunken Stepfather)
Some genius is making a documentary about the old Nintendo Powerglove. (COED)
(Photo Via MTV)