By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM
As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:
“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”
Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.
If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.
Photo Credit: Beyonce.com
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Beyonce and Jay Z took a little break from the former’s European concerts for some play time in Dublin yesterday with their daughter, Blue Ivy, because they’re just normal parents who want a good life for their child. Of course, while most kids her age are hanging out in pre-school or daycare while their parents are hard at work to keep the middle class from vanishing, Blue Ivy is being pampered on private jets and staying in the fanciest hotels across the world. That’s the breaks that a kid born into the Illuminati gets these days, though, and the rest of your unimportant children are going to have to accept that when Blue eventually takes over the world and forces them all to sacrifice their blood to the one true moon devil. But at least it will be absolutely darling when she does.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
All the virgin sacrifices and Illuminati pagan blood rituals in the world can’t change the fact that Jay Z isn’t the young man that he used to be, which is probably why he looked a little tired and grumpy last night after hanging out at the Arts Club in London. Beyonce, on the other hand, looked ready to party even as they left, which is amazing considering she had also performed earlier that night. It just goes to show that when you’re two of the wealthiest people in show business, a good night’s sleep and a full diet of stem cells and placenta milkshakes will keep you looking young and rejuvenated while the rest of us poor assholes die in the streets as they step over our diseased corpses.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
People who say that a music artist shouldn’t need to get naked to sell music obviously don’t like really crappy music sung by girls who everybody just wants to see naked. Ipso facto or some shit like that. The less clothes Beyonce wears in her music videos, the better her songs. That’s just science. This new song Partition looks, I mean, sounds particularly strong. When that dude grabs her tits and then she waves her bare ass in his face, I feel like I’m in heaven with the angels singing. In fact, just turn the sound off and watch the video and you’ll have a moving music listening experience. Fuck the haters. I stand firmly behind Beyonce’s gifts. I only wish she’d make more documentaries about herself taking showers.
By Jack December 31, 2013 @ 3:27 PM
Beyonce is in deep shit for sampling audio from the Challenger explosion for her new song XO. Jay Z’s baby mama thought it would be a good idea to revisit a national tragedy and take a clip from the NASA transcripts right before the shuttle blew up in 1986. A voice is heard saying, “Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction”. What the fuck that has to do with the song is beyond me. Not surprisingly the families of the people who died on the shuttle think that Beyonce using the sample was in poor taste. This is especially surprising since, like me, Beyonce is from Houston. You do not fucking make light of the Challenger disaster in Houston. It’s like going to a Philly sports bar to talk shit about the Eagles. I once saw a guy get his ass beat for making the following joke: “What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts”.
I know Beyonce thinks she can do whatever she wants since she has so much dough that she literally shoves gold in her pussy, but some things are best left alone. Of course, she’s not so book smart, but she’s no marketing idiot. She knew this would cause controversy which in turn leads to more album sales. Next she’ll be sampling video of the Rwandan genocide for her music videos about falling in love with the wrong man. She writes the songs that make the whole world think.
By Jack December 30, 2013 @ 2:02 PM
Jay Z and Beyonce celebrated the release of her new album by dropping $6,000 on dildos and buttplugs at a New York sex shop. It all went down at a chic Lower East Side rubber cock emporium called Babeland. The two apparently went in there and stocked up on vibrating eggs and nipple clamps for the vegan romantic interest in your life. Still, six grand seems like a might tough tally at a sex toy shop. I went to Babeland once, (for um…a friend), and though it’s a little pricier than normal it’s not THAT expensive. What, did they buy a bunch of golden dildos? A source says,
“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme. It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”
Okay, so they did. I guess when you’re successful enough, you just start shoving precious metals up your ying-yang because depositing cash in the bank is no longer thrill enough. At some point an E.R. doctor will be asked to remove the Hope Diamond wedged into Beyonce’s chunnel. Maybe that’s when you start asking for help.