Yeah, I guess Beyonce lied about not being pregnant. Or her carefully secreted surrogate being pregnant. Which doesn’t surprise me because Beyonce hates publicity. At least when it’s not about her. When that fetus pushes through her chunnel and Beyonce sees the camera lenses training off her vagina and onto little Baby Stupid Name, she’s going to shit a tooth.
New York Post rumors are basically one guy in their newsroom making up celebrity shit for some other guy in the newsroom and next thing you know, there it is, anonymous sources stating that Beyonce is probably hiding her second baby from the public. You may recall that Beyonce responded to rumors of her first pregnancy by hiring a girl off Craigslist to ‘make her a pretty baby that don’t cry so much.’ But the baby turned out too pretty. So Beyonce bought a $21,000 crib to chain the baby to so she could go out on the town without having to worry about stupid face Blue Ivy showing up and hogging all the attention. That seems like a lot of work to do all over again.
Ever since Kim Kardashian spread her way into the A-list social circle of Kanye West and Jay Z, it has been rumored that Beyoncé wants nothing to do with her. The reason, of course, would be that Beyoncé is a very talented pop superstar and Kim made a sex tape with Ray J. But things have probably been a little tougher for Kim now that she’s pregnant, especially when she showed up to Monday night’s Met Gala looking like one-third of the Rose Bowl Parade.
While Kanye was performing at the ball, he actually took a moment to tell Kim how awesome she is in front of all of the celebrities in attendance, and that must have felt nice after she couldn’t fit into her original dress and had to add sleeves to her gown because her arms looked like giant sequoias. So it was also nice of Beyoncé and her sister, Solange Knowles, to take a quick photo with Kim, so she could post it to Twitter and make the other Make-A-Wish children jealous.
Beyonce is going on a world tour. Apparently, there are teenaged girls and gay men in places outside the U.S.. But she’s not going without a list of demands, as evidenced in her tour contract rider, that little addendum that provides all of the artists customized requests:
- titanium straws to drink alkaline water kept at precisely 21-degrees
- all crew to wear 100% cotton only clothing
- plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms
- a new toilet seat at every event
- red toilet paper
- hand-carved ice-ball to suck after every performance
- glass platters of almonds, oatcakes and green-only crudités
Honestly, that doesn’t sound all that much more choosy than most prescription medicated Westside L.A. moms in their daily fanatical doings. But that red toilet paper. That’s a real mystery. I did a little digging. It turns out the red butt 2-plys have no significant difference from your standard whites. It’s just a style choice. A choice to wipe your ass with red. Are we to read into a deeper meaning here? Is Beyonce a communist? Is this the team color of the college she didn’t go to? Or, is it possible, just in some way, somehow, slightly possible that Beyonce is a needy self-absorbed crazy bitch? Yeah, I know, probably a communist.
After turning in one of the better Super Bowl Halftime performances in recent years, Beyoncé has laid some new ground rules for her Mrs. Carter Show world tour, thanks to those less-than-flattering photos that made it look like she was firing out a massive dump. Beyoncé and her team have banned press photographers from her tour, and she will only have her own photographer taking pictures of her, according to the Daily Mail.
This way, Beyoncé can be in control of which photos of her can hit the Internet and which can’t. So instead of just being human and showing people that she has a sense of humor, Beyoncé has opened the door for every smartass on the Internet with photoshop to do even more damage with the approved images that she allows to be published.
“Hey, I didn’t have a penis on my forehead at that show in London,” she’ll say before sending out the Illuminati hit squad to take care of the persons responsible.
I’m still reveling in the pure love I felt after watching Beyonce’s HBO documentary, You’re God Damned Right I’m the Shit, a brutally honest look back at the rise of Beyonce, minus all the controversial, negative, or unpleasant elements. It was about as even keeled as a candidate profile film at a political convention. At one point in the doc, Jesus descends from heaven and begs Beyonce to never give up on her dreams, or neglect her hair weaves. Still, she is pretty damn hot. So while Jay-Z and Justin are off this summer in their tuxedos, I might just have to pay a visit to the neglected housewife. I’ve got about as much chance as Jesus.
Here’s Beyonce in her summer bikini shoot for retailers H&M…
Photo Credit: H&M