By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 7:33 AM
The amount of ass Aziz Ansari gets simply for being on television is a cosmological discrepancy bestowed onto no other. Ashton Kutcher still would be getting hummers in the break room if he swept floors at Home Depot. Ansari would have remained a bobbleheaded virgin into his later years had someone from NBC’s Diversity Department not found him passable instead of grating and obnoxious. He needs to know his limits. The chicks willing to get down with Ansari are limited squarely to tourists from Iowa and desperate fringe Hollywood actresses with amphetamine addictions. Ansari went on Howard Stern and explained how he was able to snake Blake Lively’s number and how she ignored his texts while most likely shuddering at the idea of being close to him. The most pathetic in the stream is this gem coming after a string of non responses:
“I’m going to the Boom Boom Room for that afterparty. Hopefully this is your number? Either way, good seeing you.”
We’ve all been there. It’s her number, she doesn’t like you. This is the last ditch effort before throwing in the towel and getting incredibly wasted while your friends ask you what’s wrong and you mumble about what a fucking moron you are. You will probably learn to let it go within a few months, at which point you will see the chick at the Red Robin and hide in the corner. At this point you will feel vulnerable, get wasted again, take your phone out, and repeat the process with some other chick who thinks you’re gross.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 11:15 AM
Blake Lively says her husband Ryan Reynolds is incredibly involved in her lifestyle website Preserve. The site is made up of yuppy instagram porn featuring gourmet culinary items and overpriced trust fund hipster garbage such as vintage bow ties. A kind of earthy existentialist eBay for the conscientious consumer who really wants to talk about their purchases. There is also a vague connection to philanthropy, a device to alleviate guilt on the part of anyone who buys 25 dollar barbecue sauce and feels bad about the homeless guy outside of Pier 1. Part of the site’s cringe worthy manifesto reads:
“Sometimes we walk proudly. Other times we stumble gracelessly. Yet we take each step with a generous measure of never-ending curiosity and wonder. We remain in awe of the folks and folkways existing around us. We want to learn about them, embrace them…preserve them.”
Ryan Reynolds is apparently really into the site, or at least gives half hearted nods when Lively is yammering about the inconsequential bullshit that rich people waste money on.
“There is nothing that goes through that I don’t run by him. On the site, when I’m doing photo kills I’ll say, ‘What photos do you think? This one or do you think that one?’ And I love that he challenges me. He’s someone that I trust when he challenges me.”
Notice he did not even slip a word in during her relaying of the process. Reynolds knows you have to pick your battles, and while Lively is droning on about what organic peanut butter goes well with artisan celery, he is plotting his next move. It most likely involves ordering pizza, watching hockey, and committing massive amounts of infidelity.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Travis September 19, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
The only good thing about all of the different fashion weeks and the designers rolling out ridiculous, expensive new clothes that nobody really ever wears is that all of the most attractive celebrities show up because they get free stuff. Like Blake Lively, for example, who took a break from nothing to attend the Gucci show at Milan’s Fashion Week. Sure, she doesn’t have any movies or TV shows in the works right now, but there’s still just something about Blake that makes any event she attends more exciting. I think it’s her breasts. Yes, that’s definitely it.
(Photo Credits: WENN.com)
By brendon October 16, 2012 @ 2:49 PM
Though I’m consistently tricked into thinking her tits are gonna look bigger than they do every time I see thumbnails for her pictures, Blake Lively looked terrific yesterday on the set of ‘Gossip Girl’, which is apparently still on the air.
And to think, when she got this job, she was a drifter who lived by some abandoned train tracks. No that’s not true. But she should say it anyway because it’ll look like she’s overcome a bunch of adversity, and people really like stories about that.
By brendon September 10, 2012 @ 4:14 PM
You might think that Leonardo DiCaprio would be upset today after hearing that Blake Lively (his ex-girlfriend) married Ryan Reynolds this weekend. But here’s DiCaprios current girlfriend, Erin Heatherton, shooting for Victorias Secret today in Miami. He might think this is Blake Lively. Or he probably doesn’t even remember that he dated Blake Lively. It would be like asking your dog about a shoe he ate last year.
(image source = fame/flynet)
By brendon September 10, 2012 @ 2:54 PM
Ryan Reynolds starting dating Scarlett Johansson in April of 2007 and they secretly got married in September of 2008. That marriage lasted a little more than 2 years, and if you think the problem was that he dated her too long, than you and Ryan Reynolds agree, because he secretly married Blake Lively this weekend in South Carolina, after dating her for just 11 months.
Hopefully this marriage sticks because he’s maybe two divorces from going to a chruch in a tux and picking up girls as the walk down the aisle to marry someone else. And he’s rich and handsome and charming and does crunches like 50 fucking hours a day. If you have a hot girlfriend, he’s like seeing a big shark while your boat is sinking; you just hope he goes after someone else.