The screaming pumpkin heads who drop big cash to see Britney Spears in Vegas don’t care that she’s just miming over pre-recorded tracks. The performance is really the moving story of how gay aliens come to earth and try to rob Britney Spears chubby vagina powers for themselves. Yes, there’s war brewing on Uranus. In her weekend show, Spears’ costume ripped open in the back. She carried on without missing a lip-synched beat as her slender drones desperately Googled how to work a zipper on a woman’s dress. Britney’s outfit was mended before the big number where she belts out a perfect Toxic while consuming a 7-Eleven microwaved bean and cheese burrito in a La-Z-Boy recliner on stage. Custodial parent’s bills don’t pay themselves.
Britney Spears spent six months on hiatus from her Vegas show to work out, make smart nutrition a part of her lifestyle, and attend her boys’ soccer games without a bra to remind the neighbors she once filled the Tokyo Dome. She still looks thick. Maybe it’s the settling effect. Or the costumes. Something isn’t working. It’s possible that Mississippi just sticks something voodoo fierce. She could be absorbing fat through a subterranean network of tubes acting much like a virtual grease trap. Or it’s the Cool Whip. Some things you can’t dance away. Leave dad his thirty percent at the door. Nobody gets skinny in the asylum.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Nobody knows what the Teen Choice Awards are. Nobody cared after Britney Spears showed up and squatted like a Russian grandma taking an alley dump in 1911. You’d have to be a qualified doctor to name all the parts Britney was displaying in her pop-up gynecological diorama. She was subsequently awarded six trophies for being a sex positive role model for girls and smartly distancing herself from Iggy Azalea musically. There’s a reason we don’t let teens decide shit in this society. Sour Patch kids are giving you diabetes. Check out Britney’s snatch, kids. Life never gets better.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
If there is an actual race to the bottom for inanely worded computer generated pop songs, it’s time to hand out the award. Pop music for teen girls never required musically gifted performers. But they had to provide vocals. If that last connection to song production is no longer part of the process, then you can literally plug in anybody. Why the freaky looking albino? You’ve just savaged my Britney Spears fap with that Poltergeist possessed dancing mannequin. Somewhere the parents of Bananarama are crying for having wasted money on singing lessons.
Photo Credit: “Pretty Girls” Britney Spears
Britney Spears took a tumble performing one of her level green moves on stage in Vegas. It’s the ankle. They’ll probably have to put her down. It was fun while it lasted. Charitable donations in lieu of flowers please.
Watch Britney eat it. (TMZ)
Courtney Stodden was offered 1 million dollars by Vivid. (The Superficial)
Oregon Ducks cheerleaders doing their thing. (COED)
Kim Dejesus likes to wear tiny swimsuits. (Busted Coverage)
This is Khloe Kardashian pretending she goes to the gym. (Huffington Post)
Blake Lively wants to go to Harvard Business School because why not? (Dlisted)
Who needs a fucking bra? Not us! (The Chive)
Britney Spears turned on a heckler at her Vegas show after he called her a “fat bitch”. She called the guy a “Fucking asshole”. These were either gratuitous empty insults or well reasoned evaluations of character. It’s really really close.
Watch Brit get all Louisiana on a dude. (TMZ)
Amber Heard looks cold. At least her nipples do. (Egotastic)
Nerds everywhere are spazzing out over seeing old ass Han Solo in the new Star Wars trailer. (Huffington Post)
Courtney Stodden has got some big ‘ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)
I wouldn’t mind having Bella Thorne’s legs wrapped around me. (Popoholic)
Who needs bras? Set them titties free! (The Chive)
Please enjoy this crotch shot courtesy of Erin Heatherton. (Drunken Stepfather)