Britney Spears spent six months on hiatus from her Vegas show to work out, make smart nutrition a part of her lifestyle, and attend her boys’ soccer games without a bra to remind the neighbors she once filled the Tokyo Dome. She still looks thick. Maybe it’s the settling effect. Or the costumes. Something isn’t working. It’s possible that Mississippi just sticks something voodoo fierce. She could be absorbing fat through a subterranean network of tubes acting much like a virtual grease trap. Or it’s the Cool Whip. Some things you can’t dance away. Leave dad his thirty percent at the door. Nobody gets skinny in the asylum.
Nobody knows what the Teen Choice Awards are. Nobody cared after Britney Spears showed up and squatted like a Russian grandma taking an alley dump in 1911. You’d have to be a qualified doctor to name all the parts Britney was displaying in her pop-up gynecological diorama. She was subsequently awarded six trophies for being a sex positive role model for girls and smartly distancing herself from Iggy Azalea musically. There’s a reason we don’t let teens decide shit in this society. Sour Patch kids are giving you diabetes. Check out Britney’s snatch, kids. Life never gets better.
If there is an actual race to the bottom for inanely worded computer generated pop songs, it’s time to hand out the award. Pop music for teen girls never required musically gifted performers. But they had to provide vocals. If that last connection to song production is no longer part of the process, then you can literally plug in anybody. Why the freaky looking albino? You’ve just savaged my Britney Spears fap with that Poltergeist possessed dancing mannequin. Somewhere the parents of Bananarama are crying for having wasted money on singing lessons.
Britney Spears took a tumble performing one of her level green moves on stage in Vegas. It’s the ankle. They’ll probably have to put her down. It was fun while it lasted. Charitable donations in lieu of flowers please.
Britney Spears turned on a heckler at her Vegas show after he called her a “fat bitch”. She called the guy a “Fucking asshole”. These were either gratuitous empty insults or well reasoned evaluations of character. It’s really really close.
Seven years ago Britney Spears was locked with her kids in the bathroom threatening to off herself. Now, she’s rooting them on at AYSO and studying pre-Algebra so she can help her kids with their homework. This is a testament to modern medicine and the ability of her father make sure she eats her special sandwiches. I’m not saying every woman who shows signs of crazy ought to be tranquilized and put under strict custodianship, I’m just saying we need an honest debate. The world gets quieter but the sex gets less interesting. I could go either way.