Carrie Underwood Modern Day Superhero

By Matt July 14, 2015 @ 7:09 AM


Carrie Underwood left her four month old baby in her car with two of her dogs. What could go wrong. According to Underwood the dogs managed to lock the doors of the car, which is widely seen as impossible outside of the cartoon universe. Do they also know how to work the air conditioning? Luckily Underwood was able to break the window of the car, which aside from being locked in a car with ravenous half human dogs is also great for a baby’s development:

“When your dogs manage to lock themselves, all your stuff & the baby in the car & you have to break the window to get in. #WhatAreTheChances.”

Outside of Dade County I’d say roughly zero. It’s good the kid made it out, but if these insane mutts of yours are throwing their claws around to the point they can lock a car door perhaps it’s not the best environment for a newborn. What’s to stop them from accidentally raking his face or simply gnawing on his little foot like it’s a dog toy? Either way your irresponsibility as a parent has now been transformed into an act of valor. This time. A month from now when you claim you fought off a dozen pedophiles from a child porn ring I’m going to question what your kid was doing in the room. What if Wonder Woman had a pill problem?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The Von Trapp Great Grandkids Hated Carrie Underwood

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 5:43 PM

Somehow I missed the live re-singing of the Sound of Music on NBC last night. I vowed never to watch anybody sing again ever on TV, the same day my girlfriend threw out my admittedly barbaric VHS collection of midget fights. I thought I was punishing her, but then I realized I was really just helping myself. I guess the Von Trapp great-grandkids weren’t too fond of Carrie Underwood portraying their mom because they all went on different news outlets to Von bitch:

“It’s just upsetting that this could potentially be the final broadcast of our story. And although her voice is amazing, she doesn’t have acting experience…. It’s just the overall image, she’s a country star, she won ‘American Idol,’ she’s very public in kind of a tabloid way.” —  Myles von Trapp Derbyshire, super petty great-grandkid

Who doesn’t get upset about how their great-grandmother they never met is portrayed in the movies? Especially when those same shiny Von Trapp great-grandkids are using the family name to look semi-attractive and yodel in concerts around the world. I’m down with the Carrie Underwood can’t act hate, and I’m even willing to accept a bunch of kids trying to eke out a showbiz living based on three generations ago family events. But then the idiot kids went and said they held a secret meeting to collectively decide they wished Anne Hathaway would’ve portrayed their dead great-grandmum. Now I’m just rooting for the Nazis to take them all away again.

Carrie Underwood Is Still Good Looking

By Lex May 16, 2013 @ 9:37 AM

Carrie Underwood In June Issue Of Marie Claire
Remember when American Idol finalists were good looking women? I mean, after they were chubby women and gay men with frizzy hair, and before they were once again chubby women and gay men with frizzy hair, there was a pocket of good looking women who competed on American Idol. They never won, because 12-year old girls don’t vote with their dicks, but they at least offered something to look at while making your girlfriend happy by draining your soul of masculine dignity. Kellie Pickler, Carrie Underwood, Katherine McPhee, and… yeah, there weren’t verymany. I really hated that girlfriend. But she had great season tickets.

Here’s Carrie Underwood in a chick magazine. I’d watch a show that just featured her. Though not singing, maybe taking a bath or something.

Photo Credit: Marie Claire

12-year-olds first kiss is on stage with Carrie Underwood

By brendon September 25, 2012 @ 1:49 PM

Carrie Underwood was on stage in Louisville when she saw a 12-year-old boy named Chase holding a sign asking if she would be his first kiss. And that shit worked. She called him on stage and kissed him. It wasn’t hot or anything, but it was a hell of a lot better than my plan to get my first kiss. Not one of them has worked, it’s been almost 15 years! YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF CHASE I HOPE SHE GAVE YOU AIDS!

carrie underwood is serious

By brendon June 08, 2010 @ 9:24 AM


The reason most hot girls aren’t good at things like softball is because who cares. Hot girls have way better things to do in high school, like prancing around and cheerleading tryouts and laughing when I ask them to prom. Carrie Underwood must have been ugly in high school because she sort of looked like she knew what she was doing when she played in the City Of Hope charity softball game yesterday in Nashville. Most girls swing a bat with the same force a magic fairy would use when granting a wish, but Carrie smacks the ball around like it just called her fat.

(source = splash news online)

carrie underwood was the big winner

By brendon April 19, 2010 @ 8:57 AM


Last night was the Rhinestone Music Awards, and I don’t know anything about country music, and I didn’t look up who won. I should really stop telling people that Tyler is your Country Music Award Show Headquarters. But if you came here for that, I guess, Garth … Brooks. Does he still do this stuff? He won, let’s say, I don’t know, five. He won five. And, uh, Conway Twitty won … Best Music. Him and Jerry Reed. For their song about … bbq pork. There. That was todays Country Music Minute. All I know for sure is that Carrie Underwood is really, really, really pretty. The End.