By Lex September 06, 2013 @ 1:27 PM
Michael Douglas keeps repeating the mantra that he and Catherine Zeta-Jones are ‘fine’ despite their separation. I guess he’s an optimist. If I had cunnilingus throat cancer and my wife was bipolar and not eating and we had just split up to keep from killing each other, I might go with ‘okay’, or ‘getting by’ or maybe the more apropos ‘none of your fucking business’. But Michael Douglas is no dummy. Never give the tabloids a keyword to bugger.
Here’s Catherine Zeta-Jones with a Marlboro Light for breakfast on her way to church. She seems ‘fine’ too.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Lex August 29, 2013 @ 12:18 PM
She’s bipolar and likes to throw shit. He’s got cancer from munching too much dirty box. If these two crazy lovebirds can’t cut it in this world, what chance do the rest of us have finding true and lasting love? The good thing about being rich and famous is that even when you’re old and getting divorced for the tenth time, you can still go hit the yacht and grab some binoculars to scope out the next younger hot woman you’re going to ruin. I guess that’s a good thing.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Travis August 28, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
It has been a little more than four months since Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were photographed together at the 40th anniversary of the Chaplin Award Gala and they’d been going on separate vacations during that time, so I thought everyone already basically assumed that they had divorced. But they were still faking along, pretending to be happy, until People revealed that they’re “taking a break” this week, which is fancy Hollywood slang for “the wife who is 25 years younger than the husband would like to start riding some young beef while her lady parts still work.”
To their credit, Michael and Catherine had been through a ton of personal and health shit during their 13-year marriage that would have killed most of us normal people, but they’ve persevered for the sake of their two young children. And also because they have a shitload of money.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 9:20 AM
Yep. Looks like it, according to Michael Douglas. And science.
Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
– The U.K. Guardian
Everybody thought Michael Douglas was crazy. For about ten minutes until doctors started saying, yeah, actually, slathering your partner’s warts infected cooch with your tongue can give you throat cancer. I sat through sixth grade twice and I can tell you that little gem was never covered in Sex Ed. Not saying anybody should panic from this news, but I do think we ought to reconsider this whole feminist ‘good for the goose is good for the gander’ reciprocation nonsense. The next time your girl asks you if it’d kill you to go down on her every once in a while. You know the answer.
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have been in Europe on vacation all week, and earlier today, while off the coast of Portofinio, Italy, on a yacht bigger than the high school I went to, Catherine strutted around in a bikini and showed how good a 50-year-old can look when she has implants.
In summation: if you ever hear someone say that money can’t buy happiness, you should slap them in their god-dammed liar mouth.
(image source = bauer griffin)