Charlie Sheen has magic in his fingertips

By brendon June 29, 2012 @ 8:44 AM

During Charlie Sheens meltdown last year, the most frequent target of his public abuse was Chuck Lorre, the creator of ‘Two And A Half Men’.

Basically, Sheen thought Lorre was an idiot and that the show would be better if everyone would just listen to him. He said, “I’m dealing with fools and trolls,” and “I got magic and poetry in my fingertips,” and “C’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”(1)

Well now Sheen has ‘Anger Management’. He helped create it, he’s the producer, and the opening scene in last nights premiere showed him at the peak of his creative power:

“Management” opens on a tight shot of Charlie on an angry rant … saying, “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME, I QUIT!!”(2)
“You want to replace me with some other guy? Go ahead! It won’t be the same! You think I’m losing! I’m not! I’m … anyway, you get the idea.”
When the camera pulls out, it reveals Charlie is only taking out his anger on an inflatable punching bag.

Ahhh. Do you get it? The whole time you assumed he was in Chuck Lorres office, beating him to death, and the camera would pull back and he’d be covered in blood and begging for mercy. It’s a classic comedy bit (‘The Cosby Show’ and ‘Seinfeld’ also opened with the lead character in an anti-Semitic rage) but it was all a trick; Charlie fooled us with his comedy!

Hopefully you didn’t miss it on account of being either Chuck Lorre (and you were pouting) or a girl that used to date Charlie Sheen (and that POV brought back bad memories of him getting drunk and giving you a few Irish kisses so you spent last night hugging your knees and rocking back and forth in the bathtub).

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CBS wants Charlie Sheen back at work

By brendon March 21, 2011 @ 1:20 PM


The reason that some people think Hollywood only cares about money is because Hollywood only cares about money, and so with that in mind, CBS President Les Moonves is reportedly trying to find a way to get Charlie Sheen back to work on Two and a Half Men, despite the fact that he’s an unstable and violent lunatic. But Moonves has a plan; just ignore it.

(Moonves) is ready, willing, and able to forgive and forget all of Sheen’s recent antics and continue broadcasting the series.
Moonves has been speaking directly with top execs at Warner Bros. Television (and) ‘Men’ co-creator and executive producer Chuck Lorre.
“Moonves wants to get the show back on the air. He’s all for it. He says certain people need to forget anything and everything Charlie’s done recently and just move on with the business at hand.
“The core issue is, as he put it, the volatile relationship between Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre. He believes that if CBS and Warner Bros. TV honchos can find a way to get Chuck and Charlie to speak again, cooler heads will prevail.”

Yeah Sheen seems pretty rational, so I’m sure this can all be worked out. Just go over to his house, he’s probably out back with a red striped shirt and patch over his eye, ready to launch a homemade rocket so he can be an outer space pirate, but if you hurry he can be back in the office by Wednesday.

Charlie Sheen edition headlines

By brendon March 08, 2011 @ 6:48 PM


If you told 10 people that you were planning to go on TV with some porn stars and call yourself a warlock and say how much you love drugs and tell your boss to go fuck himself, I bet almost none of them would say, “Oh yeah that’s a good idea.”

And yet that’s what Charlie Sheen is expecting from people who work with him, specifically his Two and a Half Men co-star Jon Cryer. But Cryer hasn’t, and Sheen is handling it just as you might expect. He tells E!

“Jon has not called me. He’s a turncoat, a traitor, a troll. Clearly he’s a troll. He issued a statement. Is it gonna take me calling him a ‘traitor, juvenile and scared’ for him to get it?”

You’re gonna find this astounding but Sheen has his facts wrong, and Cryer has not issued a statement. But would Sheen talk to him if he did?

“What’s there to say? I’ll tell him ‘You’re a little late. Goodbye, troll.’ When I’m starring in multimillion-dollar films and he’s begging me for a supporting role I’ll say, ‘You left me out in the cold with all of your guilt and stupidity.’ “

I bet when Sheen announces his new movie, “The Warlock Who Traveled To The Pits Of Doom And Killed All The Trolls Even Chuck Lorres Mom Who Is A Whore And Had A DIck In Her Mouth When He Killed Her And It Was A Black Guys Dick And She Was All Like, Yeah Yeah I’m Chuck Lorres Mom And I Love This Black Guys Dick”, Cryer is gonna feel pretty silly.

In other Sheen news…

WARNER BROTHERS – fired Sheen yesterday on grounds that he violated the morals clause in his contract, so Sheen is suing them because he says he doesn’t even have a morals clause. In a sense, they’re both right. Except for Sheen. Who is wrong. (hollywood reporter)

ROB LOWE – is the new big name meeting with producer Chuck Lorre to replace Sheen on Two and a Half Men. First John Stamos, now Rob Lowe. It’s a parade of comedy legends. (tmz)

AUBREY O’DAY – bent over with her big jugs in a low cut dress while having her hands set in cement outside Planet Hollywood in Vegas. This is related to Sheen in the sense that he likes girls who look slutty.

Charlie Sheen just shut down Two and a Half Men

By brendon February 24, 2011 @ 11:47 PM

Two and a Half Men

The good thing about cocaine is that it gives you lots of energy. The bad thing is that it’s energy to do stuff like this.

“I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre).  He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like. That’s me being polite.”

That’s Charlie Sheen this afternoon, still talking about Chuck Lorre, his boss, the man who created Two and a Half Men, the show that, while completely fucking horrible, is also the number 1 comedy on television and pays Sheen 2 million dollars a week.

Oh and he’s not done yet.

“All these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’  Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up.”
“All I want is to bring my family together, and I have to deal with all this B.S. politics.” 
“That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket.”
“You can tell him [Lorre] one thing.  I own him.”

Still not done, he wrote this letter

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…

“…march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.” Holy shit, are we still talking about Two and a Half Men?

And yet, he’s still insisting that he’s not on drugs, and Monday he claims he will take a drug test, in front of cameras, to prove it.

Charlie Sheen has accepted a challenge from Radar and has sensationally agreed to undergo a drug test on Monday to prove he is clean and sober.
“These assholes claim they know this and we are going to prove them wrong. That’s how confident I am.”
Sheen agreed that the test will take place on Monday at his Mulholland Estate mansion.

This will seem presumptuous, but, despite his denials, CBS thinks Sheen might actually be on drugs, and has now shut down Two and a Half Men for the remaining four episodes.

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros TV have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,”

I’m actually scared for the two girls with him in the Bahamas. Sheen is so high at this point, if he declared himself Pharoah and then decided they should be his queens on a journey to the afterlife, it would be the sanest thing he’s done all day.