Hillary Duff Not For Nothing

By Matt May 04, 2015 @ 8:19 AM

DUFFFY

Hillary Duff’s posturing on Tinder appears to be a stunt for an upcoming reality show she is producing where she gets herpes from the valet guy. I’m still undecided about whether I’d suck a dick for a million dollars but I’m pretty confident in Duff’s response. Can we sell it in Bulgaria? She described the fascinating time she joined Tinder to Ryan Seacrest, forgetting we all know it’s bullshit now:

“It kind of started out to be a joke with some of my girlfriends. I was like, ‘Explain this whole thing to me because it’s kind of blowing my mind.’ We were swiping and it started out to be kind of a joke and then I was like, ‘I’m gonna join Tinder,’ and they were like, ‘What?! No way you can’t.’ And I was like, ‘Why can’t I? Yeah, I absolutely can.’”

You can do anything if you set your mind to it, like grow a garden or arrange for young Bangladeshi children to get clean water or download a free app on your phone. I’ll be watching so long as I get to laugh when your silverware gets stolen. The worse this goes for you the better the show will be, meaning if you’re hacked to death by the Spaghetti Monster you’re looking at solid sweeps ratings. You just sealed your fate. Canceled in five.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Hillary Duff Banging Down the Ladder

By Matt April 29, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

DUFF

Hillary Duff signed up for Tinder presumably because they paid her thousands of dollars to do so, although there’s also a strong possibility she is using it to satisfy her blue collar fetish like most chicks do before they marry their plastic surgeon. Duff claims this is the first time in her life she’ll have the opportunity to hook up with a “Total normie.” Apparently Disney Channel show runners don’t count but they always have the best candy. Duff claims to have nine dudes lined up, but didn’t specify if they’d be separate or all at once in a camping tent near Indio. Let this be a lesson to the plethora of creeps on Tinder. Find out where Duff is going to be or just hang outside her house and log on. Jeff is 3 feet from you. He looks cute. Swipe right. I’d give this experimental phase an over under of two dates before some Joe Blow forgets to order premium vodka and Duff makes a beeline for the members only lounge at LAX. Hold that pose.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Hillary Duff Looking Sharp

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Duff

Hillary Duff Instagrammed herself in a bikini and gave a shout out to All the Moms Out There because taking photos of your tits and ass in inexorably tied to making other people:

“Hey #moms #westillgotit ❤ #loveyourbod”

You’ve still got it. I’m not sure about the rest of America. Have you been to a Dairy Queen? I don’t see your kid in the picture. Would that make it weird? Maybe leave your reproductive habits out of the equation then. Duff was cheered on by a gaggle of women she wouldn’t shake hands with outside of a paid promotional engagement. This is more proof that any rich woman who was previously super hot can have a child at a young age and then turn him over to a Guatemalan woman and do pilates ten hours a day and still find time to take sexy photos of themselves. The critics have been silenced.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hillary Duff Knew Exactly What She Was Doing

By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Hillary Duff with her kid and maybe her nipple

Hillary Duff took to Instagram yesterday to let her fans into a very special moment in her life, by posting a photo of her sharing an embrace with her son, along with the message, “This is everything.” That’s pretty beautiful, isn’t it? A mother and her son, and all that truly matters in the world captured perfectly by one photo shared with 1.8 million people. I just can’t get past the part where the kid has basically exposed his mom’s entire breast, and I can’t tell if that’s the edge of her bra or a nipple right next to his elbow, but either way he deserves some ice cream and a high five.

Aaron Carter Wants Hilary Duff Back

By Jack March 07, 2014 @ 4:48 PM

Aaron Carter is still in love with his teenage girlfriend Hilary Duff and is acting like a middle school girl on Twitter to prove it. The two of them dated when they were 13, back when Aaron could only dream about meeting his future broke and unemployed hero self in ten years time. They would braid each other’s hair and doodle love notes in his unicorn trapper keeper until he chose loose lipped Lindsay Lohan over Hilary. It appears that Aaron only now realizes the error of slipping his wee-wee into Lindsay instead of waiting on Hilary. He Tweeted a picture of the about to be divorced Duff and wrote,

“Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever.. Like me…I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her. I don’t care what ANY of you think.”

I’m sure it sucks that your glory days happened in middle school, but women do not like the smell of desperation. Play it cool, Snapper. Start tweeting about all the hotties be hitting on you during your swing shit at Jack in the Box. Subtly mention how it looks like the creditors might let you keep your Fiero. And then, you can never go wrong with using your God-given vocal talents to win her back. They’ve yet to invent a girl who can resist the doleful croon of Aaron’s Party (Come Get It). Stick to your game, player. This seems nearly certain to happen.