By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 10:47 AM
A you stole my man with your slutty vagina accusation lingers on through eternity. At the time, it seemed easy to peg. Jennifer Aniston was vanilla ice cream and Angelina Jolie was hot pussy juice flavored ice cream and stole Brad Pitt because he has a dick and that’s how dicks works. Jennifer Aniston has spent the past decade pretending like that’s not what happened and she’s crazy fuckable. Angelina Jolie has spent the past decade doing every possible thing she could do to become less desirable. Adopting the united colors of Benneton babies, directing important films because somebody has to, and hatcheting off her breasts to counter future cancer. All of which goes to show Brad Pitt’s lucky bastard karma isn’t what you think. Also, I might be sexist for saying that shit about Angelina Jolie being less desirable now.
Photo Credit: INF
By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Jennifer Aniston recently reminisced about about her ex boyfriend who died of brain cancer in 2007, Daniel McDonald. Aniston apparently thinks she should have settled down with him posthumously, which is amazing news to the guy she is currently banging, Justin Theroux:
“He would have been the one. But I was 25 and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
Maybe that dude you fucked in Jamaica that one time was his way of saying thanks for dinner at Lawry’s that night he forgot his credit card. And that guy whose dick you sucked in the bathroom at the Playboy Mansion, still mad you talked him out of the Corvette. The comment struck a chord with Mujah Maraini-Melehi, who later married McDonald and probably bragged to all her friends who his ex was before it started gnawing at her. She says Aniston is exploiting the story to draw attention to herself so her menopausal breakout Cake can gain traction during award season.
She also says Aniston wasn’t around when McDonald had the cancer, because in death you hate your ex-girlfriends even more. Mujah wrote a long letter on Facebook explaining what a hypocrite Aniston is, and outlining pretty much every detail of her career and personal life in the process. I think she’s still holding onto the pain. It’s weird knowing someone you loved put his dick in such a soulless jack off. Try not to think about it. The tabloids are full of shit. Except the blessings shit Aniston said about her current boyfriend. That’s bonafide.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Jack December 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Old crone Jennifer Aniston wants the media to stop pressuring her to shit out a flesh-colored baby turd already. This isn’t like asking the Yankees if they’re going after pitching in the offseason. Aniston’s about to turn 46. She can find sperm. She clearly doesn’t want a kid.
Jen might as well have her vagina removed and get an old lady haircut. (Dlisted)
Boxer Elliott Seymour admits he took a dive in that fight with Mickey Rourke. (TMZ)
I’d still like to make love to Jennifer Lopez’s booty. (Huffington Post)
Luci Ford covered topless? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)
Britney Daniels’ booty in short shorts will make your day. (Hollywood Tuna)
Oooooh, Edita Vilkeviciute wears lingerie and it is very very sexy. (Popoholic)
Sarah Palin porn star look-a-like Lisa Ann retires from fucking on screen for money. (Busted Coverage)
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
Jennifer Aniston revealed her financially motivated inspiration for reprising her role as the nympho dentist in Horrible Bosses II. The critically panned and widely considered unnecessary follow up to 2011′s copacetic original features Aniston again appearing three quarters nude for use in theatrical trailers to manipulate impressionable Thanksgiving weekend stoners with no family. Aniston suddenly finds she still draws inspiration from the seductive temptress she played in the original:
“I have thought a lot about her while I’ve done other films since then… She’s a hard one to let go of. I didn’t get enough of her. It went too quick.”
I’d find motivation too if Megan Fox passed on my part. Jennifer Aniston has made about fifteen major motion pictures since she became famous through Friends. For at least seven of these films, her publicity team leaked stories about her romancing the leading man and for five of them she’s held press interviews discussing her sexual bravery for appearing topless in the film, even though all of this has been bullshit and almost all of the films have been flops. She’s not particularly versatile as an actress, but at least knowing we could see her tits or that she was blowing Gerard Butler for real in his trailer would’ve made her seem more likable.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Jennifer Aniston stuffed her top on the Ellen show to mock Kim Kardashian and presumably make Ellen’s boxers moist with flop sweat. It was hilarious, if you’re notion of pure entertainment is a future spinster mocking a woman who has a husband, a child, and more money than Qatar. Fuck, I just defended Kim Kardashian. Lightning bolt of Zeus inbound. As a woman who has spent the past decade allowing magazines to describe you as ‘brave’ for lying about being topless in the final cut of the film, Jennifer Aniston ought be a bit more circumspect about poking anybody for showing off their tits. It’s every American’s constitutional right to run over a Kardashian if the ethics question is would you turn right and kill a Kardashian or turn left and kill Hitler. But you surrender that right when you make fifteen bad movies in a row.
Photo Credit: Ellen
By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Unlike her standard publicity methodology where Jennifer Aniston first talks about being topless in her latest movie, then gets praised by vagina heads for being so brave in her 40′s, then turns out not to be topless, then conjures up rumors about her dating her hunky co-star, then leaks tales of being a sexually vibrant nymph with a polyp-free colon, and then ultimately runs off and hides without any makeup in a Ramada Inn putting on four ounces of unhappiness and grump, Jennifer has skipped right to the grump this go-round. She’s filming ‘Cake’ with Sam Worthington and not even pretending they’re having a secret romance. She’s still keeping up appearances with the dude from the last movie she’s talked about marrying for a couple years now. But Jen’s destiny remains to be forlorn and love-lost and a bunch of other words that mean Angelina Jolie when she still had breasts done stole your man. Sorry, Jen’s publicists, you don’t hold my balls in your hands like People magazine. I speak the unfettered truth of the inconsequential and mildly retarded set.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News