By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Unlike her standard publicity methodology where Jennifer Aniston first talks about being topless in her latest movie, then gets praised by vagina heads for being so brave in her 40′s, then turns out not to be topless, then conjures up rumors about her dating her hunky co-star, then leaks tales of being a sexually vibrant nymph with a polyp-free colon, and then ultimately runs off and hides without any makeup in a Ramada Inn putting on four ounces of unhappiness and grump, Jennifer has skipped right to the grump this go-round. She’s filming ‘Cake’ with Sam Worthington and not even pretending they’re having a secret romance. She’s still keeping up appearances with the dude from the last movie she’s talked about marrying for a couple years now. But Jen’s destiny remains to be forlorn and love-lost and a bunch of other words that mean Angelina Jolie when she still had breasts done stole your man. Sorry, Jen’s publicists, you don’t hold my balls in your hands like People magazine. I speak the unfettered truth of the inconsequential and mildly retarded set.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex February 13, 2014 @ 3:51 PM
When two greats in the world of feminism like Jennifer Aniston and Gloria Steinem get together, you’re going to want to grab a pound of fudge and your favorite vibrator and pull up a chair. Jennifer interviewed Gloria over the weekend at the MAKERS Conference, where women get together to celebrate women being totally fucking amazing people who are every bit as good as men who apparently don’t need such conferences. MAKERS is undertaking a massive video project to record thousands of hours of life, loves, and important lessons of awesome women such as Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Oprah Winfrey. It’s like Lifetime meets Oxygen meets having a tetanus drenched salad fork stuck in your eye. And, now add to that Gloria Steinem sharing with Jennifer about how it’s super cool to be a woman with no husband or kids.
I accepted it for a long time and I thought, well okay, I’m getting married and I’m having children. I’m definitely doing that. Just not right now. I’d put it in the future. And then, fortunately, the Women’s Movement came along and made me realize I was actually happy. And that there were more ways to live than one. So it came as a great revelation.
Then Steinem joked that Jennifer was in deep shit because she was following Gloria’s own heralded path of being a self-involved grizzled spinster. She and Jennifer chuckled so hard that even their aborted babies in heaven could hear them. Steinem made the exact same point in her groundbreaking article for Esquire in 1962, but I suppose telling it yet again to an A-list actress in 2014 makes it seem fresh and worth paying a hefty admission price. At the conclusion of the interview, the two ladies gave each other an empowering embrace and agreed that sperm was the most ruinous substance on the planet.
By Lex December 30, 2013 @ 6:50 PM
Someday not far off, Jennifer is going to put her boobs away in the closet, along with that publicity machine that puts out so many happy stories about Jennifer’s life as a bon vivant. Chinese cups can only suction so much toxin out of the body. Eventually, people will stop tolerating you simply because you look nice in a bikini and you once gave head to Brad Pitt on his birthday. Now is the time to check out Jennifer Aniston. She’ll be married soon to somebody with gravitas. Not this Justin guy. Justin’s the name of the spastic kid on your Little League team, not the guy you take to Vanity Fair The AIDS galas. Maybe a real estate mogul or an elected official or somebody willing to trade their will to live for the chance to see Jennifer topless for two weeks before and after marriage.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash
By Travis December 30, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Jennifer Aniston and her fiancée, the guy who isn’t Brad Pitt, took a little lovers trip to Los Cabos in Mexico this weekend, and Courteney Cox tagged along because she probably had nothing better to do than catch up with her dear, old friend. But maybe there was something more to this trip, and Jennifer told Not Brad Pitt that she would fulfill any one of his deepest sexual desires, and he asked to have a threeway with Monica and Rachel. Then, I assume, he spent the next hour or so wishing he had a time machine or at least a few bottles of lube.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 12:32 PM
Sometimes I wonder to myself, will Jennifer Aniston ever find true love? Then I realize those are the bad thoughts they taught me to suppress at conversion camp and I just look at her tits and think she looks pretty damn good.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston wearing a bikini in Cabo. It’s the same exact outfit she wore eighteen months ago in Mexico. I guess money is a bit tight when you’re spending $40K a day to have a Chinese girl spit mountain spring water up your bowels to keep your coat shiny.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis August 14, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
It has been eight years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced so he could go about not feeling guilty over having crazy monkey sex with Angelina Jolie every day for the rest of his life, and while the star of We’re the Millers is now engaged to that other guy who isn’t nearly as famous as Brad, people still love talking about Jen’s poor, broken heart. As it turns out, Jen and Angelina were scheduled to be on the same flight from L.A. to London on Sunday night, and that would have basically been Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa rolled up into one perfect present for every website on the planet.
Unfortunately, some dick at British Airways realized what was going on and contacted Jen’s people in order to change her flight plans, unbeknownst to the actress. Although, I’m sure that once she found out, she ordered her publicist to schedule an interview with Oprah to talk about how she doesn’t want to talk about Brad anymore, because her life is all about that other guy now. The one who isn’t Brad.
(Photo Credit: Getty)