Jesse Ventura Defeats Dead Guy

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 7:25 AM

Ventura

Jesse Ventura won a settlement for $1.8 million dollars against Chris Kyle, the Navy SEAL sniper who wrote American Sniper. In the book, Kyle claims he overheard Ventura talking anti American shit at a Navy SEALS reunion, including about how the Navy SEALS could lose a few pounds and how the U.S. was killing innocent Iraqi civilians. Naturally, he punched Ventura. Ventura claims he never badmouthed America or the SEALS, he never got punched,  and that his reputation had been damaged by the book to the point it was becoming difficult to book speaking engagements about why his hair suddenly went missing after being interviewed by the FBI. Ventura sued Kyle over the book but Kyle ended up getting shot and killed by a crazed Marine on a gun range in Texas in 2013. But the book had already raked in over $6 million in sales to the Kyle family, so the trial continued.

The jury heard from a bunch of reunion eyewitnesses who claim the altercation never occurred that evening and awarded Ventura the cash from the Kyle estate. I’m not sure why Kyle felt the need to lie about Ventura in his book. Maybe he really did get into a drunken fight at the reunion with some douchebag and woke up the next morning assuming that douchebag was Jesse Ventura. Easy mistake. I bet that happens to a lot of people who come across Jesse Ventura.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jesse Ventura Is Public Enemy Number Nuts

By Jack February 06, 2014 @ 3:29 PM

Former wrestling governor Jesse Ventura has gone off the grid in Mexico to broadcast his latest rebel without a cause show. He fled down Mexico way because he believes that the U.S. government is following him around with surveillance drones. Ventura has long been a conspiracy nut who believes that the government is run by a secret Illuminati-like cabal. He thinks that we live in a fascist state that wants to turn us all into zombies or something.

“I’m off the grid. I move about with my TV show so that the drones can’t find me and you won’t know exactly where I am. As long as we have solar power and we can reach the satellite.”

While our government is no doubt up to tons of nefarious unpublicized shit, I think the Star Chamber has more to worry about than someone called “The Body” spouting a bunch of half-baked theories to his fifteen member audience. If the government is as all powerful as he thinks then him moving around between various Acapulco hotel rooms probably won’t keep him safe. I know the NSA bugged Americans and that Facebook sells all our data to the Taliban or whatever, but the only drones following Jesse Ventura live in his bald mulleted head.

Ventura/Stern 2016?

By Jack June 03, 2013 @ 5:53 AM

Jesse Ventura, the conspiracy theorizing former wrestler and ex Minnesota governor, is threatening to run for president in 2016…with running mate Howard Stern. The remarks came in a speech he gave at an event honoring a retiring gubernatorial guard. Jesse “The Mind” says he’s talked to Stern about being his running mate and that Howard was very interested. Howard is also interested in jiggly tits and pussy farts but it doesn’t make him qualified to be VP. Not that being VP is hard. You just kind of hang around and hope the president chokes on a piece of veal or something. But could they really win?

Just the fact that this meathead was governor of a state points to a distinct maybe. If Reagan could parlay making chimp buddy comedies into being the zeitgeist of the 80′s and the Terminator can be the chief executive of California anything is possible. Ventura has already been elected to high office on an independent ticket, so while unlikely, they may at least get on some state ballots. That’s what makes America great, isn’t it? Anyone can be president no matter how completely idiotic and insane they are. I’m looking your way Martin Van Buren.

Could Jesse Ventura just end up being a decent President? Just look how he out-smarted the Polish Hammer, Ivan Putski, thirty years ago…