By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
Johnny Weir will no longer be gay divorcing his husband Victor Vornov. The fairy tale marriage looked like it was going to come to an end when Johnny surprised Victor with divorce papers and the couple began jousting like a couple of 12-year-old girls in a slap fight. Which if we can be honest, is pretty awesome to watch. Victor accused Johnny of biting him and Johnny said Victor was verbally abusive. The reconciliation will only come if Johnny publicly apologizes for all of the nasty shit he said about Victor. Johnny also has to keep his hag mom from meddling in their marriage. She apparently controls Johnny’s finances by letting him spend all of his money on sequined capes and Prada pumps. If he wants the Vornoy beast back in his tender bits, he’s going to have to create a less stressful marital environment.
Which all leads this whole marriage equality stuff. Not the equality part. That’s good. But the why would you want it in the first place part. I understand why gay women want to be able to get married. Women love marriage. Even a hardcore butch wants to pick out wedding china. But since marriage stopped being about selling off daughters into scullery service for three gold pieces, the institution has not been so good for men. Sure, there are those questionable studies that show how fucking happy married men are. Apparently they are all healthy sexually active romantic fools if you believe the findings put out by the objective Pro Marriage Institute for Being Awesomely Married. But mostly, ask any married man how he’s doing and about two beers into the conversation you’ll get an epic rant that begins and ends with some comment about the dearth of oral sex. Then the tears. I understand the fight for equality, but is marriage the pot of gold you really want at the end of the gay rainbow? I’d ask for more dance music radio stations and making mesh tops mandatory summer wear for hardbodied Puerto Ricans in urban environments. But that’s just me channeling my big gay genius.
By Jack March 21, 2014 @ 12:50 PM
Johnny Weir’s big gay divorce from husband Victor Voronov is getting real after a shocking reveal that Voronov defaced Weir’s Birkin bags. Apparently the disgruntled top took out his rage on the sparkly pixie bottom by writing “Fuck You” on his expensive designer handbags. That’s just uncalled for. You can punch a guy in the maw, kick him in the balls even, but you do not deface a man’s purse. Writing on a Birkin with a Sharpie is the worse kind of abuse. Weir sent Voronov an angry email saying,
“If you decide to wreck things, please wreck cheaper things than Birkins. The fuck you on the Birkin is kinda cool, though, you artist. I know you don’t care about Hill I’ll survive if you divorce me, but please leave my Birkin bags, Celine bags and Chanel bags alone.”
When you read a note like that from your husband, you can be pretty clear the marriage is coming to an end. He might as well say he’s going to kiss a girl, at a ball game, while wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. There are certain lines you just don’t cross. It’d be easy to feel sorry for these two former sweethearts and the death of romance, but I mostly feel like I’m the one who got shafted with all the Weir-Voronov signature line wedding memorabilia I purchased on QVC.
By Jack March 20, 2014 @ 1:10 PM
Flamboyant ice skater Johnny Weir and his husband Victor Voronov are getting gay divorced after a couple years of fabulous marriage. The triple toe-looping star released a statement saying that he and Voronov have not been happy for a while and are no longer together, though, naturally, he wishes him well and his heart aches. He neglected to mention the part where Voronov filed domestic abuse charges against Weir last month for biting him with his little white gremlin teeth during an argument. Oh, yeah, that. The terms of the divorce have not been disclosed, though you can bet Voronov will be asking Johnny to return all the shit he stole from his mom’s closet. Anybody in the market for a former Olympic medalist power bottom biter who isn’t currently lined up outside Bruce Jenner’s beachfront condo in Malibu can now add Johnny Weir to their Match.com target list.
By Lex February 12, 2014 @ 5:51 PM
It’s tough being an activist. You can be the preaching vegan, but when the meat-lovers pizza arrives at the apartment after a night of drinking, that’s where the rubber meets the road. Johnny Weir took a lot of grief from the rainbow flag wavers for attending the Sochi Olympics even though Russia hates the shit out of gays. Weir defended himself by saying the Olympics were solely about athletic accomplishment, not a proper forum for a political statement.
I’m not a politician and I don’t really talk about politics. You don’t have to agree with the politics, but you have to respect the culture of a country you are visiting.
That seemed to be enough for the Guardian Gays to lift the gate and let Johnny fly off to Russia, where he now apparently has realized he can’t come home without picking up a snow globe for his significant other and making some kind of political statement about how awesome it is to be gay. I guess that principle about respecting the country you visit had to be sacrificed in the name of getting back into his favorite clubs stateside. Johnny decided to really to stick it to Putin and Russkies by dressing up like Lara from Dr. Zhivago:
I’m here, I’m queer, I look fabulous in vintage Chanel, get used to it
As Johnny donned another haute couture blouse and leggings with perfectly matched pearls, millions of traditionalist Russians suddenly realized they have no real problem with homosexual men, they just really fucking hate Johnny Weir.
By Lex January 17, 2014 @ 4:27 PM
Even as Obama is trying to carpet bomb Russia with every gay athlete he can find, gay activist groups are calling for those same same-sex loving Olympians to boycott the shit out of Sochi. But figure skater Johnny Weir has told them to go take a long gay hike. He’s going to Sochi. Not as an athlete or anything, he’s not on the team. He’s just going to hang in the Olympic Village around the showers for when security calls for mandatory lockdowns due to the inevitable terrorist attacks. We only have moments to live, open mouth kiss me, you Hungarian bobsledding man-fool.
I could never boycott the Olympics whether they be in Pyongyang (North Korea), in Uganda, in Iran or Mars. I would have competed there because my whole life has been about going to the Olympics. Being gay isn’t something that I chose, being gay is something I was born into. But being an Olympic athlete was something that I chose and something I worked hard for and I’ll see it to any necessary end.
It actually did end, Johnny. But I get your point. The Olympics isn’t a place for politics. That what athletes say about the Olympics when they really want to go even when it’s in horribly repressive countries. It’s what performers like Beyonce say too when they go sing at private parties for dictators’ kids. That’s just about the music, or the sanctity of the birthday party. Sometimes it’s hard to be politically correct and also get what you want. In those instances, nobody in your coffee klatch is going to blame you for a little lying.