Jamie Foxx Stops the Games

By Matt March 19, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

JF

If your buddy ever tells you he sucked a dick that one time in college he’s either a liar or bad at it. People rarely change. Dudes buy Harleys because there’s a chick out there with a go to fetish who’s going to hate herself in the morning. That’s why if you were married to a gay guy for a contractually obligated period of years in an effort to hoodwink the public that’s pretty much the camp you’re boxed into. Jamie Foxx has heard more gay rumors than your average single diminutive flamboyant male R&B singer or at least right about on par. You may not read the black gossip press, but if you do, type ‘Jamie Foxx gay’ into their search bar and watch two-thirds of every article they’ve posted over the past decade come up. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. But it exists. Enter Katie Holmes, Hollywood’s most famous beard. She and Foxx are apparently enjoying a sparky romance according to their publicists. I’ll believe that when I see a video of the two of them banging raw dog without the cameras on. I’d watch. But just for science. And to respond expertly on those gossip sites.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Jamie Foxx Porking Katie Holmes And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 18, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

461427252

Rumors are flying that Jamie Foxx has been slipping it to Katie Holmes. It makes sense. Short and troubled might just be her type. Foxx has an Oscar so he probably gets the ass. I think that’s Hollywood law.

Read all about their boring love affair. (Huffington Post)

Go on and give your undies a tug, you tease. (The Chive)

Kylie Jenner is dumb as shit but I would still tap that. (TMZ)

Heather Carr shows off her naked, sandy butt for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)

Tatiana Eriksen uses her bare titties to sell pricey water. (Egotastic)

Charlotte McKinney’s got some big ‘ol guns, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

That Marky Mark gets to fuck Rhea Durham is reason number 1345 why I hate him. (Popoholic)

Katie Holmes Has No Regrets

By Matt August 07, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Holmes

Its the classic growing up story where a young lady gets pregnant by Kris Klein from American Pie and immediately marries a weird older guy with dark hair and a huge jaw so as to avoid any Blanket Jackson eyebrow raising. Holmes got married for casting opportunities, so its no surprise she isn’t sweating having raised her kid in a totalitarian secret society while out now promoting a new movie. The really dark feelings will seep in after the premiere. Asked about the marriage on the Today show Holmes mused:

“I never really look back. I just approach life [taking] it one day at a time. I’m really excited about where I am right now. I’ve had some really wonderful creative experiences. I’m just really grateful.”

Five and a half years in the perfect amount of time to convince the general public Tom Cruise is straight while still banking a few years of your prime. This was just a case of an insane cult member and a simple girl from Ohio drifting apart. In life you should never let it bring you down when you conspire to fuck up your kid for career purposes.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Remember When We All Got Together to Not Photograph Kids?

By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 3:51 PM

Katie Holmes And Suri Cruise Make Faces At Each Other Out In New York
I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show pictures of celebrity kids. Jennifer Garner and Halle Berry and I think that woman who became a man but still had a baby on Oprah joined the protest, asking the celebrity magazines to refrain from taking candid photos of their kids. Outlets like People magazine felt obliged to pen tortured explanations about how they’re parents too and work really hard to make sure kids are never exploited within their pages. Obviously, there are rare exceptions of newsworthy events or when print subscriptions are plummeting and you need a cover story on Suri Cruise looking fucking adorable as ever. Also, if you pay the parents a shit ton of money for their kids’ pictures, it’s cool. It’s noted as the Kardashian Exception under law.

I used to feel sorry for the children of celebrities for being visually exploited in this manner. Now I realize that large middle aged women need porn too. If perusing photos of Suri and North and Nahla and all the other kitschy commercially named rugrats keep these same women from overdrawing their checking accounts to buy cute owl-ornaments on QVC, so be it. These children are doomed with or without the long distance exploitation. Why not let Betty from Ames ventilate her privates as she reviews what famous preschoolers are wearing to the summer parties. If Dax and Kristen weren’t so inherently more right than other people, this might just be open to debate.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:18 PM

Suri Cruise Hides From Cameras With Katie Holmes On The Set Of 'Dangerous Liaisons' In New York
I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie’s too guilt ridden to provide the proper stick to her offspring. Way too fucking much carrot. I’d help out. I’m gentle and giving with the left hand, but I serve cold justice with the right. That’s mainly due to the tendonitis in the left. I want the giving part to be painful to remind myself of the true cost of generosity. I hesitate to think of the consequences of Suri reaching adulthood without any sense of consequence. In the very least, the Jews and the Mexicans will likely be disintegrated when her death star is fully operational. I’ll mop up all the half-boiled hemoglobin with your angry letters about how spanking is abuse.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Katie Holmes in a Bikini Top Monitoring Suri

By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Katie Holmes In A Bikini Top Poolside In Miami
Being Suri’s caretaker can be no simple task. Like the drastically underpaid job of Mrs. Blaylock ensuring that Damien is not hindered in his devilish prophecy. Somebody needs to cater to her every whim and want lest she unleash a freak hailstorm in Miami or cause soccer to finally be accepted in the U.S. or some other dastardly deed. It’s enough to put wrinkles on your stomach. Fuck, there goes my New Year’s resolution.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, PCN