By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 3:51 PM
I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show pictures of celebrity kids. Jennifer Garner and Halle Berry and I think that woman who became a man but still had a baby on Oprah joined the protest, asking the celebrity magazines to refrain from taking candid photos of their kids. Outlets like People magazine felt obliged to pen tortured explanations about how they’re parents too and work really hard to make sure kids are never exploited within their pages. Obviously, there are rare exceptions of newsworthy events or when print subscriptions are plummeting and you need a cover story on Suri Cruise looking fucking adorable as ever. Also, if you pay the parents a shit ton of money for their kids’ pictures, it’s cool. It’s noted as the Kardashian Exception under law.
I used to feel sorry for the children of celebrities for being visually exploited in this manner. Now I realize that large middle aged women need porn too. If perusing photos of Suri and North and Nahla and all the other kitschy commercially named rugrats keep these same women from overdrawing their checking accounts to buy cute owl-ornaments on QVC, so be it. These children are doomed with or without the long distance exploitation. Why not let Betty from Ames ventilate her privates as she reviews what famous preschoolers are wearing to the summer parties. If Dax and Kristen weren’t so inherently more right than other people, this might just be open to debate.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:18 PM
I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie’s too guilt ridden to provide the proper stick to her offspring. Way too fucking much carrot. I’d help out. I’m gentle and giving with the left hand, but I serve cold justice with the right. That’s mainly due to the tendonitis in the left. I want the giving part to be painful to remind myself of the true cost of generosity. I hesitate to think of the consequences of Suri reaching adulthood without any sense of consequence. In the very least, the Jews and the Mexicans will likely be disintegrated when her death star is fully operational. I’ll mop up all the half-boiled hemoglobin with your angry letters about how spanking is abuse.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 1:06 PM
Being Suri’s caretaker can be no simple task. Like the drastically underpaid job of Mrs. Blaylock ensuring that Damien is not hindered in his devilish prophecy. Somebody needs to cater to her every whim and want lest she unleash a freak hailstorm in Miami or cause soccer to finally be accepted in the U.S. or some other dastardly deed. It’s enough to put wrinkles on your stomach. Fuck, there goes my New Year’s resolution.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, PCN
By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 12:55 PM
I guess all those years with Tom listening to his tortured lectures on why copulation between a man and woman was not meant to take place in this Fourth Galactic Cycle took its toll on Katie Holmes. Just look at those troubled tummy lines. Gandalf’s brow is less furrowed. On the one hand, I can admire Katie for her stand against plastic surgery of any kind. On the other hand, I’d like to buy her a My Last Husband Was So Fucking Gay t-shirt to cover up with at the pool. If the little kids see that, they’ll never want to propagate.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, PCN, Splash
By Lex November 08, 2013 @ 6:17 PM
Some ladies gossip magazine wrote that Tom Cruise ‘abandoned’ his daughter Suri after Katie Holmes renounced Tom and Xenu in one fell swoop. So, Tom Cruise sued them for $50 million for defamation and libel and slander and everything else that means ‘you hurt my feelings, now give me money’. But in the very first round of depositions, Tom admitted that he didn’t see Suri for 110 days straight after the divorce. Tom also went on to say such priceless shit as his film location shoots were more difficult than Afghanistan tours of military duty and more taxing than being an Olympic sprinter, but that’s just because he’s crazy with the gay. The 110 days thing could be a problem. I don’t know where you come from, but all the divorced kids in my neighborhood expected to see dad at least once a week, or a couple weekends a month. You know, unless they were really overseas fighting in wars alongside Ethan Hunt.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 1:06 PM
Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu’s Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody really noticed.
Photo Credit: PCN