Bella Goes To Venice And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Kristen Stewart pained herself to dress up and almost force a smile for the Venice Film Festival. People in Europe get spoiled emo better than we do here in the U.S. Embrace Angry Bella, Italy. Embrace her and keep her.

Behold the sexually fluid actress in all her glory. (Popoholic)

Jackie Moore gives us a peek in “Student Bodies”. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Tyga leased that Lambo for Kylie in HER name. I guess his credit is bad. (Last Men On Earth)

Vivid offers to pay for Mexican man with a 19 inch penis’s dick shortening. ¡Ay caramba! (TMZ)

Phoebe Price is being gross in her underwear again. (Drunken Stepfather)

I like thigh gaps, do you like thigh gaps? (The Chive)

Meanwhile, Bryana Holly’s tits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Why Is Kristen Stewart A Thing And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Every women’s magazine ever has labeled Kristen Stewart as a beauty icon with model looks. Is this some kind of conspiracy among the horse faced editors of these magazines to make men question their own judgement. This needs investigating.

Judge for yourself. (Popoholic)

Summer St. Claire is hot and topless in pink lingerie. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Can you identify the Kardashian by her ass? (TMZ)

These pics of Miley Cyrus naked will give your eyes herpes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sheila Marquez in lingerie is a beautiful thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Paulina Gretzky bikinis on a boat. (Busted Coverage)

Booties, butts, and asses. (The Chive)

Kristen Stewart Is a Survivor

By Lex August 17, 2015 @ 9:09 AM


When you start  with the premise that being super famous and having people leer at you in your local hipster coffee house is akin to the Holocaust, Kristen Stewart has had a lot to overcome. To promote her new movie, Kristen Stewart agreed to meet with some reporter chick from Nylon magazine who uses exaggerated metaphors to compare two hours with Kristen Stewart in a curio stores in Echo Park to going up the river to look for Kurtz. In no short order, Kristen Stewart reveals that life is hard, the press sucks, and fuck anybody who wants to tell her how to behave. The three tentpoles to easily dismiss her as a spoiled brat. Four if you included the hand-rolled cigarettes. Five if you include her angst at anybody using the word lesbian to describe her finger fucking her girlfriend.

If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’

Stewart follows the Miley Cyrus school of sexuality fluidity not documented by any science, but decidedly popular among rich girls who hate their parents. Stewart believes in three or four more years, we will have evolved past the gay or straight analog world. So mark your calendars for 2019. Andy Dick is going label-less. Or just count six more Kristen Stewart films you don’t intend to watch. Have you considered becoming an aid worker in Northern Syria? I here they’re hiring.

Photo credit: Getty Images/Nylon Magazine

Kristen Stewart’s Mom Denies She Confirmed Her Daughter Is Now Gay Like Everyone Else

By Lex June 16, 2015 @ 1:15 PM


Kristen Stewart’s mom and some reporter at the Mirror in England are having a back and forth over whether or not mom confirmed her daughter is fucking her butch female personal assistant. Despite making no official announcements, Kristen and Alica Cargile have been wearing matching black jeans and flannels while shopping in indie book stores and eating vegan nut cakes for months now. If they shoved three fingers up each other’s twats on a float during Gay Pride weekend they’d be less obvious, though vastly more interesting. Kristen’s mom insists she never confirmed her daughter’s gaiety.

I spoke to Sharon Feinstein about my film K-11 that has been put on display in the Hollywood Museum. It’s currently there under the LGBT banner on the third floor. She also asked me about my views on gay rights, which I was happy to express… Never ever did we discuss Kristen!”

Mom admits she mentioned Alicia seemed ‘lovely’ which is a nice way to describe the chick scissor kissing your daughters vagina up in her room each evening until three am. Sharon Feinstein, the reporter, claims she’s going to release the recorded phone interview tapes to restore her integrity. An odd choice of words for a reporter trying to get some mom to confess her daughter is diking out.

Kristen follows in a long line of modern day Hollywood converts to gayism following failed hetero relationships and a desire to get back at her father in new and interesting ways.  Lost actresses used to find themselves in Scientology and before that est, now this lesbian thing is really catching on. I’d invest heavily in high end vulcanized rubber. You don’t have to be gay to see the trend line. Although you do if you want to work.

 Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Memorial Day Hugs

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 10:56 AM

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Memorial Day Hugs
Kristen Stewart and not her girlfriend spent Memorial Day re-imagining Indigo Girls songs in a post-Ellen world while denying there’s such a thing as lesbian breath. Kristen has been outspoken of late on the sexism that runs unchecked through Hollywood. The institutionalized bias explains why despite being an unpleasant chain smoking grinch whose primary form of communication is grunts and audible sharts, Stewart’s currently working on five new movies. Rewarding bad female behavior is the worst kind of sexism. Lose her number. She’ll call you when it’s time for an anonymous donor.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart Wants To Help

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Kristen Stewart Leggy In UK Harper's Bazaar
Kristen Stewart is the latest crazy successful Hollywood actress to decry sexism in Hollywood. Women have to work twice as hard as men do and for half the pay. This could mean only $20,000 an hour for your work. There are very few dramatic roles for women available each year in movies. Of course, Stewart is taking most of them. If you complain, she’ll finger fuck your daughter. Sexism is just that complicated.

Women inevitably have to work a little bit harder to be heard. Hollywood is disgustingly sexist. It’s crazy. It’s so offensive it’s crazy.

Stewart makes a mistake common to people who spend much of their day dwelling on their feelings. Like toddlers or Hollywood actors. The fact that marble mouthed Vin Diesel is more sought after than her must mean Hollywood is sexist. Or it could mean that Vin Diesel movies make a crapload of money and everything Stewart’s done since Twilight has been made for an audience of ten people who read Jezebel and think it’s fact checked. Causality is a bitch of a science. My feet are sore this morning, therefore I ran a marathon yesterday. I hope my time was good.