Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Memorial Day Hugs

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 10:56 AM

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Memorial Day Hugs
Kristen Stewart and not her girlfriend spent Memorial Day re-imagining Indigo Girls songs in a post-Ellen world while denying there’s such a thing as lesbian breath. Kristen has been outspoken of late on the sexism that runs unchecked through Hollywood. The institutionalized bias explains why despite being an unpleasant chain smoking grinch whose primary form of communication is grunts and audible sharts, Stewart’s currently working on five new movies. Rewarding bad female behavior is the worst kind of sexism. Lose her number. She’ll call you when it’s time for an anonymous donor.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart Wants To Help

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Kristen Stewart Leggy In UK Harper's Bazaar
Kristen Stewart is the latest crazy successful Hollywood actress to decry sexism in Hollywood. Women have to work twice as hard as men do and for half the pay. This could mean only $20,000 an hour for your work. There are very few dramatic roles for women available each year in movies. Of course, Stewart is taking most of them. If you complain, she’ll finger fuck your daughter. Sexism is just that complicated.

Women inevitably have to work a little bit harder to be heard. Hollywood is disgustingly sexist. It’s crazy. It’s so offensive it’s crazy.

Stewart makes a mistake common to people who spend much of their day dwelling on their feelings. Like toddlers or Hollywood actors. The fact that marble mouthed Vin Diesel is more sought after than her must mean Hollywood is sexist. Or it could mean that Vin Diesel movies make a crapload of money and everything Stewart’s done since Twilight has been made for an audience of ten people who read Jezebel and think it’s fact checked. Causality is a bitch of a science. My feet are sore this morning, therefore I ran a marathon yesterday. I hope my time was good.

Kristen Stewart Still Fucking Unhappy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kristen Stewart hates being famous. Besides the money and the influence and the sweet shit and the ability to fuck the man or woman of her choosing depending on her whim, this celebrity shit sucks. She misses The Gap.

Kristen whines like a champ, it’s worth reading to hate. (Dlisted)

Camille Rowe in a bikini by a pool. That is all. (Egotastic)

Interpol is after Justin Bieber like Carmen Sandiego. (TMZ)

Penelope Cruz wears a tight red leather bodysuit for Zoolander 2. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez is lookin’ mighty fine these days. (The Superficial)

Why weren’t fangirls this hot when I was younger? (The Chive)

COED picks the hottest celebrity butts. (COED)

Kristen Stewart Secretly Gay Married! Fuck, Wait, I Don’t Care

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Out And About In West Hollywood
A gossip site which seems to use a random word generator to develop shocking headlines, claims that Kristen Stewart and her two knuckle honey bunny Alicia Cargile, were secretly married. They also claim that her relationship with Robert Pattinson was pure public relations stunt, that Stewart’s always favored girls, and that she can flip pancakes with just a spatula and her vagina muscles. The marriage would be another bold step in Kristen’s plot to make her parents feel bad for not giving her the Dora the Explorer backpack she was expecting for child acting school graduation. I doubt the marriage bit. Kristen seems content to Google ‘what does a lesbian look like’ and visit various welded art exhibits around town with her scissor sister. If you were wondering what it might have looked like if Luke had submitted to Vader, and both enjoyed fingering each other to brooding singer songwriter acoustic guitarists, hello, friend.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart Back To Looking Manly

By Lex March 11, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Kristen Stewart Looks Manly In Wonderland Magazine Spring Issue
There were a couple weeks there in February where Kristen Stewart had to doll up and put on a dress for awards shows and premiere appearances. Her butch credentials were already being questioned back at HQ deep beneath Ellen’s Montecito humidor. Stewart’s already boned several boyfriends and ruined a Hollywood marriage over dick lust. Don’t think there isn’t suspicion in the ranks. You’re not being paranoid, bi-curious Karen Silkwood. There really are two chicks in sleeveless jean jackets behind you in that Subaru Forester.

Photo Credit: Wonderland Magazine Spring Issue

Kristen Stewart Lost Something

By Lex February 19, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

Kristen Stewart Wears A Skirt In Interview Magazine
Kristen Stewart has lost her pizzazz. She used to be that horribly disdainful self-loathing chick who blew the lost boys and ruined other people’s lives. Those wretched angry fucks are unbelievable fodder. Now she’s just another brooding lesbian chick wondering when the ball peen hammers go on sale again at OSH. Boring. They had to use the cartoon effect on her in this magazine just so you’d take a quick glance before you visually bounced. Before you’d stare at her a good five minutes wondering if she was pretty enough that you’d let her rub out her cigarette on your neck in exchange for a hummer. Now, she’s a horn-less unicorn. I think that’s just a horse. Where have all the bad women gone.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine