By Lex February 19, 2015 @ 8:27 AM
Kristen Stewart has lost her pizzazz. She used to be that horribly disdainful self-loathing chick who blew the lost boys and ruined other people’s lives. Those wretched angry fucks are unbelievable fodder. Now she’s just another brooding lesbian chick wondering when the ball peen hammers go on sale again at OSH. Boring. They had to use the cartoon effect on her in this magazine just so you’d take a quick glance before you visually bounced. Before you’d stare at her a good five minutes wondering if she was pretty enough that you’d let her rub out her cigarette on your neck in exchange for a hummer. Now, she’s a horn-less unicorn. I think that’s just a horse. Where have all the bad women gone.
Photo Credit: Interview Magazine
By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 11:01 AM
The bond between two girls the newspapers refuse to call lesbian fuck buddies is strong. They’re not two cute old Italian biddies holding hands on the way to church on Sunday. They’re two chicks finger banging the lady snot out of each. There’s nothing wrong with paternal loathing that leads to two girls entwined in a thumb fight with just vaginas. We should celebrate it. In video form, especially if the butch assistant turned Tootsie Pop licking owl can keep to the shadows. Let your love shine, ladies. This is 2015. Nobody likes men anymore.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash
By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 9:24 AM
Being suddenly gay seems so last year, but Kristen Stewart is still working out her rage by shamelessly checking out her butch assistant slash girlfriend’s ass in public. Once you’ve wrecked enough men who aren’t your your dad and that chip hasn’t grown any smaller you’re left with lesbianism or drugs. I applaud Kristen for choosing the path that she’ll regret but at least won’t kill her. Plus acid washed jeans and unisex sweaters are only a million times cheaper than Topshop designer wear. Lipstick is a noose. Craigslist up a donor, let’s make a baby and be happy forever.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
Spurned by jealousy of her famous ex-boyfriend and the God who punished her with a pretty face, Kristen Stewart has begun locking herself into the Anger Expression room of her house with her butch assistant. It’s the kind of relationship where for half a second as a nosy neighbor you get excited when they forget to pull the shades. Then you move. I’m just thrilled Kristen finally seems happy. I root for chain smoking self-loathing angry women like no other. Who else will love them besides me and their personal assistants, only one of whom knows precisely how many knuckles will make her feel special.
Photo Credit: INF
By Jack June 23, 2014 @ 4:24 PM
Kristen Stewart is suing 147 year old Joan Rivers for a passage in her new book Diary of a Mad Diva about Kristen Stewart’s affair with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. I won’t give away the joke but it involves the director’s balls. And since it’s Joan Rivers, it’s not an actual joke.
Read all about sad sack Stewart’s suit against the dried up old harridan. (Huffington Post)
Venus Williams shows off her tennis balls in ESPN magazine. (COED)
Sting shafts his kids on their $300M inheritance. What a globally minded asshole. (DListed)
Emma Watson nude with a bunch of flowers. Yes, I love flowers too. (The Chive)
The Pope just excommunicated the entire mafia for being the fucking mafia. (The Superficial)
Jada Pinkett-Smith still looks sexy as fuck in a yellow bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Liberty Ross’s divorce from director Rupert Sanders is finally complete, according to TMZ, and the model/actress has once again proven to the world that if a wealthy man is stupid enough to cheat in open daylight, he deserves to have his bank account torn to pieces. The divorce stemmed from Rupert’s affair with Kristen Stewart on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman, which Liberty also acted in, and because he couldn’t find a better place than the back seat of a car to fuck the most boring girl in Hollywood, Liberty is said to have made off with more than half of his assets. Meanwhile, when asked about the divorce, Kristen probably just brushed her hair to one side and bit her lip while looking at the ground, and then someone labeled her the most daring and compelling talent of her generation, because we’re all just big fucking idiots.
Photo Credit: Getty