Lana Del Rey is pretty damn boring. When she used to be known as Lizzy Grant, the shy really boring singer, it was kind of like, hell, she’s shy and boring and that’s okay because she can sing not super horrible and she seems real. I don’t know who said that, but I imagine it was a bunch of people who go to sign-up shows in the Village and applaud anything retro and non-commercially viable. But now that she’s become Lana Del Rey, with all the new looks and shapes and persona that came with it, she has to be judged against the landscape of virtual circus girls and stage strippers that round out her profession. And by that standard, she comes up like a dried sponge. Miley Cyrus may look like the tattered knitted rape doll they leave in the cages with the male monkeys in heat to keep from assaulting each other, but at least she’s not dull. Lana Del Rey is boring, so they’re getting her to take her clothes off more in her music videos in hopes that people won’t nod off so much like they do when she speaks. It seems to be working. Her conveniently ‘leaked’ new track ahead of her album release is playing all over the Internet reminding many people how amazing her music is to drop a deuce by. I listened to the entire track and was rewarded by shitting out the stubborn remnants of a fast food burrito I ate in 2003. Lana Del Rey could be a thing. But she’ll need to ditch the bra.
Girl who have tattoos around their pubes are hot. I don’t care what the tattoo is. It tells the world, I had a guy with a needle inking some shit above my privates so that you can see it when you take off my pants. It also tells the world you’re a girl who got drunk and hates her daddy. That will make you popular with the boys.
Lana Del Rey has been described as a lounge singer, Sinatra-esque, kitschy, old-school, and throwback. If I were her promoter I’d push to have her described as the chick with tattoo above her pussy. Much better sell.
Lana Del Rey did a cover of Nirvana’s ‘Heart Shaped Box’ during a concert in Sydney last week, and though it’s down now, Courtney Love–pardon me–Courtney Love Cobain, went on twitter today to smugly ask if Lana even knows what the song is about. And then explained it was about her vagina. The phrase ‘heart shaped box’ refers to a ladies vagina. Who would have guessed.
After that she said Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze and Bruce Willis is a ghost. The theme was: things drunk heroin addicts find amazing but everyone else figured out 15 years ago.
People say that Lana Del Rey is too pouty and quiet but consider this: fuck those people. Lana Del Rey is awesome. She’s hot, she writes all her own songs, and she didn’t just copy someone else or rely on gimmicks like that jackass Lady Gaga. Not only that but she seems like the kind of girl that we’ll eventually see naked, and that’s a trait I really admire in girls.
NOTE: There are still plans to re-release her first album, ‘Lana Del Ray A.K.A. Lizzy Grant’, this summer. Which is smart because ‘Little Girls’ (aka ‘Put Me In A Movie’) and ‘Mermaid Motel’ are awesome. image of Lana smiling and posing with fans yesterday in London = inf and bauer griffin