Lena Dunham’s Tits Cure Depression And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 13, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Self-described comedienne Lena Dunham Instagramed a picture of herself in tights and a sports bra to combat mental illness. It didn’t work. Seeing her half naked makes me deeply depressed.

See the horror…the horror. (Huffington Post)

Peyton List wears short shorts to Coachella, she’s not even barely barely legal. (Egotastic)

Manny Pacquiao records a song for his walkout. It is fucking amazing. (TMZ)

Doutzen Kroes in a one piece swimsuit is fucking sexy as hell. (Drunken Stepfather)

Emily Ratajkowski is all kinds of cleavy at the MTV Awards. (Hollywood Tuna)

Bella Thorne dresses in skimpy shorts at Coachella like every other slutty chick at Coachella. (Popoholic)

Sexy girls gettin’ sweaty in headbands. (The Chive)

Lena Dunham Still Unappetizing

By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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Lena Dunham is being accused of anti-Semitism after she wrote a flatly lame piece in the New Yorker entitled “Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz” The main gag which repeats itself over and over compares traits Jewish dudes supposedly have in common with dogs such as:

“He doesn’t tip. And he never brings his wallet anywhere… He comes from a culture in which mothers focus every ounce of their attention on their offspring and don’t acknowledge their own need for independence as women. They are sucked dry by their children, who ultimately leave them as soon as they find suitable mates.”

Dunham herself is Jewish which apparently doesn’t make you funny like I had learned from watching the movies. I’m personally offended at this. Not because of the lackluster stereotyping but because it blows. You’d have thought when the outcast fugly girls finally took power they’d have a more spectacular agenda than jokes from the lodge circa 1950.

The Anti-Defamation league is up in arms because they have a firm understanding of how Google Alerts work. The New Yorker would no way in hell have published this if it came from anyone but a famous feminist blowhard. Its readers should remove their stupid fucking glasses now and admit their bible spoon feeds them pseudo-intellectual baby food and has sold out with the rest of them. Look for them to publish a Britney Spears think piece in the coming weeks while still running ads for 300 dollar safari hats. I get wistful watching things die slowly.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Lena Dunham Is Really Obnoxious And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 09, 2015 @ 11:30 AM

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Lena Dunham has sworn she wouldn’t marry her boyfriend Jack Antonoff until gay people can get married. Now that that has come to pass she’s up against Antonoff swearing he’d never marry ugly. Classic romantic impasse.

Lena Dunham holds the key to everything, but its buried in her ass. (Dlisted)

Claudia Jordan isn’t old, she’s mature and her tits look spectacular. (Egotastic)

Let’s celebrate the thigh gap with lots of pictures of thigh gaps. (The Chive)

Suge Knight straight up ran over a dude and there’s video. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian is named one of the most influential people because our culture is doomed. (Huffington Post)

Kate Hudson looks cold. (Drunken Stepfather)

Zoe Kravitz in a bikini will make you want to abuse yourself. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lena Dunham Marbles Coming Up

By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 11:01 AM

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Maybe we are the Great Satan. How else do you explain this shit? I’d go boom in a Belgian Sbarro outlet to make this go away. I’m offended on behalf of all the gods, including Vishtag, the Aramaic god of barping in your mouth just a little. For fuck’s sake, put a burqa on, you self-satisfied can of cheese. The world is watching.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lena Dunham, Eat It

By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 3:17 PM

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Girls is back. It’s like the swallows returning to Capistrano, if swallows were enormous fucking flightless birds who believed everybody wants to see their sweaty naked balloon parts wrapped around some dude. I bet God didn’t make swallows like that. Why did he let people get this way? It shows a complete lack of irony to not recall chicks with I Heart Abortions tattoos inked across their muffin topped mons. I tuned in briefly when Peter Pan got her vagina eaten out by a man she will learn doesn’t love her. They never do. Fucking men. One of them still hopped on Lena Dunham, because she wrote that in the script then fired the one guy on set who asked if it was believable. To be fair, she didn’t fire him, she had him killed. Then she ate him. Girls is back. It’s time to search the deepest reaches of your genetic coding and see if there’s any chance left to be gay.

Photo credit: Satan

 

Lena Dunham Mis-Fingers Rapist

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 9:30 AM

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Here’s a grand revenge plot for someone you butted political heads with in college. Finger them as a guy who raped you in college in your hilariously real and ribald memoirs. I closed Lena Dunham’s autobiography after I got to the part where she offered her baby sister candy if she could kiss her on the lips. The vomit cloth only soaks up so much between wringings. Lena alludes in her book to a college conservative named Barry as her rapist. By way of coincidence, among the three Republicans on the ultra-liberal Oberlin campus was a dude named Barry and that Barry kind of remembers not ever raping Lena Dunham. Mounting Lena Dunham does seem like something you’d remember, if for no other reason than the scent of day-old mackerel overwhelming your thalamus ten years on.

Lena decided not to come out and clear this Barry even after everybody had this dude wrongly pegged for the lowlife who savaged her fleshy loins. This could be Lena’s revenge for Barry not applauding loudly enough after her spoken word odes to abortion on center campus. Barry hired a lawyer at which point publisher Random House and their attorneys issued a statement apologizing for the ‘confusion’ and emphatically stating that the real name of the dude who raped Lena wasn’t even Barry. What a totally funny coincidence. Random House offered to pay Barry’s legal expenses because that’s just what kindly New York publishing houses do when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

The spitefully doughy Lena Dunham remains conspicuously absent for comment though it is difficult to retort while simultaneously digesting a Fugdsicle through each of your bodily orifices.