Lena Dunham Mis-Fingers Rapist

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 9:30 AM

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Here’s a grand revenge plot for someone you butted political heads with in college. Finger them as a guy who raped you in college in your hilariously real and ribald memoirs. I closed Lena Dunham’s autobiography after I got to the part where she offered her baby sister candy if she could kiss her on the lips. The vomit cloth only soaks up so much between wringings. Lena alludes in her book to a college conservative named Barry as her rapist. By way of coincidence, among the three Republicans on the ultra-liberal Oberlin campus was a dude named Barry and that Barry kind of remembers not ever raping Lena Dunham. Mounting Lena Dunham does seem like something you’d remember, if for no other reason than the scent of day-old mackerel overwhelming your thalamus ten years on.

Lena decided not to come out and clear this Barry even after everybody had this dude wrongly pegged for the lowlife who savaged her fleshy loins. This could be Lena’s revenge for Barry not applauding loudly enough after her spoken word odes to abortion on center campus. Barry hired a lawyer at which point publisher Random House and their attorneys issued a statement apologizing for the ‘confusion’ and emphatically stating that the real name of the dude who raped Lena wasn’t even Barry. What a totally funny coincidence. Random House offered to pay Barry’s legal expenses because that’s just what kindly New York publishing houses do when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

The spitefully doughy Lena Dunham remains conspicuously absent for comment though it is difficult to retort while simultaneously digesting a Fugdsicle through each of your bodily orifices.

Lena Doth Protest Too Much And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 04, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lumpy dwarf Lena Dunham continues to deny playing with her little sister’s cooch. She’s calling them allegations which is odd since she’s the one who wrote about the incident without being prompted by anything but her desire to seem sexually edgy. I think that’s actually called a confession.

Read all about her saying she didn’t do what she said she did. (Huffinton Post)

Amanda Bynes is basically a homeless hobo now. (TMZ)

Lily Aldridge shows off her body for GQ UK. (Drunken Stepfather)

It’s OK to want to have sex with Dakota Fanning, she’s 20. (Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez forgot to wear a bra. Booooiiinnnggg! (Popoholic)

Stan Lee stares at Maitland Ward’s huge titties. (The Superficial)

Will Smith likes to take sleeping pics of Jada Pinkett Smith like a creeper. (Dlisted)

Lena Dunham Fingers Herself

By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Lena Dunham is every rich New York girl’s fat unattractive friend. From Taylor Swift to that creepy woman who runs Vogue to Alec Baldwin when he dresses up in his fake Spanish yoga wife’s maternity clothes, Lena gives you more progressive street cred than a necklace of aborted fetuses. Though it’s close. And the fetuses don’t smell like old cheese in between minge wash days.

Lena is under attack from conservative columnists because her memoirs shockingly reveal Lena to be a privileged screaming harpy who you would pay your last silver coin to Van Helsing to exterminate. Within her tell-all, Lena casually describes sexualizing her six-year old sister’s privates. At the time, Lena was just a chubby second grader herself working diligently on her Marxist sketches where women in khaki skirts shit down their legs and into their uncomfortable boots:

Dunham writes of casually masturbating while in bed next to her younger sister, of bribing her with “three pieces of candy if I could kiss her on the lips for five seconds … anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl I was trying.” At one point, when her sister is a toddler, Lena Dunham pries open her vagina — “my curiosity got the best of me,” she offers, as though that were an explanation.

Any relatively sane person knows that little kids do weird show and tell shit with their nads around that certain age of discovery. I remember a troubled kid at school who used to flash his junk and scream ‘penis’ at the top of his lungs. Okay, that was me. Lena Dunham isn’t a child molester. She’s just a person who scored a massive fucking advance on a book where she promised to include a bunch of provocative shit about her growing up life. She probably made it up. But her outrage over being called on molesting little sis, that’s super fucking genuine:

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Len’a putting the bros and old men in their place. At the same time, she’s giving guys like Mama June’s paroled ex-boyfriend some decent pedo spank bank reading material. Don’t ask me why all of this means that Lena Dunham wins, she just does. It’s like a balloon blowing contest. You’re in first place until you pop. Ride it, musty. The pop is coming.

Lena Dunham Kills Babies With Her Tits And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 31, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lumpy troll Lena Dunham decided to show us all her compelling clever tits once more to promote Planned Parenthood. I’m not sure what her lackluster funbags have to do with abortion but we could probably lower the number needed if every guy looked at her photo before attempting intercourse.

Check out her horrid breasts if you dare. (The Superficial)

Mike Tyson gets his own cartoon because…I don’t know why. (TMZ)

Kate Hudson and her friends dress like slutty bikers for Halloween. (Huffington Post)

Avril Alexander in a bikini gives me a funny feeling in my pants. (Drunken Stepfather)

I’ll to take a number to eat at the Xenia Deli, not creative, but you’ll see (Hollywood Tuna)

Hermione is still one incredibly hot chick I shall never know biblically (Popoholic)

Let me tell you a tale of Brittney Palmer’s tits. They are awesome. (The Chive)

Lena Dunham Is A Psychiatrist And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 15, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lena Dunham has once again made something she has nothing to do with all about her. She’s weighing in on the whole Amanda Bynes issue. Lena’s well versed in the psychiatric sciences since her naked lumpy character on Girls went crazy. I hope Amanda Bynes eats her.

Read Lena’s diagnosis and prescription for Amanda. (The Superficial)

This is Locas Diego and these are her chi-chis. (Drunken Stepfather)

Angela Ruiz sure knows how to wear fucking lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nadine Leopold and her freckle face are highly fappable in these lingerie pics. (Popoholic)

Jennifer Lawrence’s sham of a relationship to Coldplay is getting “serious”. (Dlisted)

Denise Schaefer eats the fuck out of a burger. (COED)

MMA Veronica Macedo is hot but she’ll kick your balls into your mouth. (Busted Coverage)

2014 Emmy Awards Red Carpet Pictures, Lena Dunham Just Ruined Everything

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 4:24 PM

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The 2014 Emmy Awards were just beginning their train of anorexic beauties on channels I have to skip past when maneuvering between ESPN and the regional sports channels. Then along comes Lena Dunham with the visuals of a Tim Burton re-imagined SNO BALL® and everything is ruined. Where is the line between being principally anti-beauty and reveling in your fugly? Forever two paces behind Lena Dunham. Who do I sue to get my boner back?

Here are the girls from the 2014 Emmy Awards I would let date me. Some of them may be under eighteen, so perhaps we’d have to date in Canada or another third world nation:

Photo credit: Getty Images / AKM-GSI / FameFlynet