By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 4:24 PM
The 2014 Emmy Awards were just beginning their train of anorexic beauties on channels I have to skip past when maneuvering between ESPN and the regional sports channels. Then along comes Lena Dunham with the visuals of a Tim Burton re-imagined SNO BALL® and everything is ruined. Where is the line between being principally anti-beauty and reveling in your fugly? Forever two paces behind Lena Dunham. Who do I sue to get my boner back?
Here are the girls from the 2014 Emmy Awards I would let date me. Some of them may be under eighteen, so perhaps we’d have to date in Canada or another third world nation:
Photo credit: Getty Images / AKM-GSI / FameFlynet
By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 8:34 AM
It’s no wonder the kids aren’t reading books anymore. It seems like only last year the New York BookExpo hosted masters of the ink and paper like Gwyneth Paltrow with her perfect recipes for guilt-free paella and a happy marriage. This year we got Farrah Abraham, Nicky Hilton, and Lena Dunham, the Hemingways of the Millennials. Of the three of them, Lena is the only one capable of fashioning the written word. If you’re up for a couple hundred pages into the self-absorbed hijinks of an entitled chubby girl with a loyal user card at Planned Parenthood, this is your summer read.
Farrah Abraham’s saucy novel follows the erotic tales of the completely fictional character Fallon Opal. Fallon rises to fame on a reality show, has an ass-to-mouth sex tape released she pretends is against her wishes, and finds a swarthy man named Dimitri to love her for who she really is, which I guess is Farrah Abraham. It’s hard to believe people would read books about the making of porn rather than just, I don’t know, watch porn, but dumb people need dumb books too.
Nicky Hilton is the world’s most boring person. Like her sister she’s not endowed with the ability to count high enough to certify a full deck of playing cards. Unlike her sister she lacks the joie de vivre and Neurosyphilis Dementia to be interesting. But, she’s got a book. If you ever wanted to know how to dress like a trainable heiress who still cowers in fear when it rains, Style 360 is a must read. Get it now before her publicity teams buys up all the first-runs so they can pretend real people bought it.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Lena Dunham adopted a rescue dog back in January, and it ended up taking about five months for it to get fed up with her shit. The Girls star posted a photo of her ass to Instagram last night to show everyone that her dog, Lamby, bit her on the ass and drew blood. At least I think the dog drew blood, because otherwise that’s pretty gross that she’s wearing underwear with blood on it. But that might just prove how out of touch I am with the hipster culture, because blood-covered underwear probably runs a few hundred dollars extra at the thrift stores in Brooklyn, and skidmarks? Forget about it. You’d need to be starring in your own feature films to afford that kind of shit-stained used swag.
By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 12:53 PM
Lena Dunham was warned by her fairy godmother to get home from the ball before midnight, but she just wouldn’t listen. Now just look at that sad pumpkin. In fairness to Lena, it’s super hard to find designer shoes in size Hobbit-wide. I only wish Judd Apatow had been around to disperse the young street children who danced around Lena’s cankles like they were Maypoles.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Girls star Lena Dunham was a guest of honor at the Point Honors New York Gala last night, as she received an award for all of the work that she does as an advocate for the LGBTQ community, which is a very formal way of saying that gay people love her. However, the actress still looked about as comfortable on the event’s red carpet as Kim Kardashian in a talent competition. Lena eventually thanked designer Marc Jacobs for her gold gown, which she said gave her “boob I could use,” and it was at that point that every man at the Point Honors Gala turned to each other and whispered, “And that’s why.”
Photo Credits: Getty
By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 2:34 PM
Pickled fashion crone Joan Rivers attacked Lena Dunham’s weight and the message her fat ass sends to girls. It all started when the legendary comedian took time away from luring kids into her gingerbread house oven to go on The Howard Stern Show. The topic of Dunham came up and the dress she wore to a recent event that showed off some tight cellulite above the knee. Rivers took umbrage to this and said that it sends the wrong message to girls. When Stern (who has previously apologized for calling Dunham that ‘little fat chick’) said that her whole spiel is that she doesn’t give a shit, Rivers said,
“But that’s wrong. You are sending a message out to people saying, ‘It’s okay. Stay fat. Get diabetes. Everybody die, lose your fingers. I’m saying if you look the way you look, Lena — and that’s fine and you’re funny — but don’t say it’s okay that other girls can look like this. Try to look better. Try to look better!”
Finally, someone says what everyone is thinking. People are always saying how awesome Dunham is for showing what a real woman with curves looks like.. Those aren’t curves, they’re lumps. Sofia Vergara has curves. She says it’s okay to be fat and proud, and it’s not. I guess it’s okay to be fat, if you must, just not the proud part. Some good does come out of models and actors being so thin and perfect. It fat shames the rest of us obese Wal-Mart Twinkie eaters to get off our gigantic asses and hit the treadmill and not bankrupt Obamacare in its infancy. If suddenly it’s cool to be overweight, that damn falcon faced Joan Rivers will actually be right. I can’t live in a world where Lena Dunham is naked on my TV screen and Joan Rivers deserves a round of applause.