By Jack March 09, 2015 @ 11:30 AM
Lena Dunham has sworn she wouldn’t marry her boyfriend Jack Antonoff until gay people can get married. Now that that has come to pass she’s up against Antonoff swearing he’d never marry ugly. Classic romantic impasse.
Lena Dunham holds the key to everything, but its buried in her ass. (Dlisted)
Claudia Jordan isn’t old, she’s mature and her tits look spectacular. (Egotastic)
Let’s celebrate the thigh gap with lots of pictures of thigh gaps. (The Chive)
Suge Knight straight up ran over a dude and there’s video. (TMZ)
Kim Kardashian is named one of the most influential people because our culture is doomed. (Huffington Post)
Kate Hudson looks cold. (Drunken Stepfather)
Zoe Kravitz in a bikini will make you want to abuse yourself. (Hollywood Tuna)
By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 11:01 AM
Maybe we are the Great Satan. How else do you explain this shit? I’d go boom in a Belgian Sbarro outlet to make this go away. I’m offended on behalf of all the gods, including Vishtag, the Aramaic god of barping in your mouth just a little. For fuck’s sake, put a burqa on, you self-satisfied can of cheese. The world is watching.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 3:17 PM
Girls is back. It’s like the swallows returning to Capistrano, if swallows were enormous fucking flightless birds who believed everybody wants to see their sweaty naked balloon parts wrapped around some dude. I bet God didn’t make swallows like that. Why did he let people get this way? It shows a complete lack of irony to not recall chicks with I Heart Abortions tattoos inked across their muffin topped mons. I tuned in briefly when Peter Pan got her vagina eaten out by a man she will learn doesn’t love her. They never do. Fucking men. One of them still hopped on Lena Dunham, because she wrote that in the script then fired the one guy on set who asked if it was believable. To be fair, she didn’t fire him, she had him killed. Then she ate him. Girls is back. It’s time to search the deepest reaches of your genetic coding and see if there’s any chance left to be gay.
Photo credit: Satan
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 9:30 AM
Here’s a grand revenge plot for someone you butted political heads with in college. Finger them as a guy who raped you in college in your hilariously real and ribald memoirs. I closed Lena Dunham’s autobiography after I got to the part where she offered her baby sister candy if she could kiss her on the lips. The vomit cloth only soaks up so much between wringings. Lena alludes in her book to a college conservative named Barry as her rapist. By way of coincidence, among the three Republicans on the ultra-liberal Oberlin campus was a dude named Barry and that Barry kind of remembers not ever raping Lena Dunham. Mounting Lena Dunham does seem like something you’d remember, if for no other reason than the scent of day-old mackerel overwhelming your thalamus ten years on.
Lena decided not to come out and clear this Barry even after everybody had this dude wrongly pegged for the lowlife who savaged her fleshy loins. This could be Lena’s revenge for Barry not applauding loudly enough after her spoken word odes to abortion on center campus. Barry hired a lawyer at which point publisher Random House and their attorneys issued a statement apologizing for the ‘confusion’ and emphatically stating that the real name of the dude who raped Lena wasn’t even Barry. What a totally funny coincidence. Random House offered to pay Barry’s legal expenses because that’s just what kindly New York publishing houses do when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
The spitefully doughy Lena Dunham remains conspicuously absent for comment though it is difficult to retort while simultaneously digesting a Fugdsicle through each of your bodily orifices.
By Jack November 04, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Lumpy dwarf Lena Dunham continues to deny playing with her little sister’s cooch. She’s calling them allegations which is odd since she’s the one who wrote about the incident without being prompted by anything but her desire to seem sexually edgy. I think that’s actually called a confession.
Read all about her saying she didn’t do what she said she did. (Huffinton Post)
Amanda Bynes is basically a homeless hobo now. (TMZ)
Lily Aldridge shows off her body for GQ UK. (Drunken Stepfather)
It’s OK to want to have sex with Dakota Fanning, she’s 20. (Hollywood Tuna)
Selena Gomez forgot to wear a bra. Booooiiinnnggg! (Popoholic)
Stan Lee stares at Maitland Ward’s huge titties. (The Superficial)
Will Smith likes to take sleeping pics of Jada Pinkett Smith like a creeper. (Dlisted)
By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Lena Dunham is every rich New York girl’s fat unattractive friend. From Taylor Swift to that creepy woman who runs Vogue to Alec Baldwin when he dresses up in his fake Spanish yoga wife’s maternity clothes, Lena gives you more progressive street cred than a necklace of aborted fetuses. Though it’s close. And the fetuses don’t smell like old cheese in between minge wash days.
Lena is under attack from conservative columnists because her memoirs shockingly reveal Lena to be a privileged screaming harpy who you would pay your last silver coin to Van Helsing to exterminate. Within her tell-all, Lena casually describes sexualizing her six-year old sister’s privates. At the time, Lena was just a chubby second grader herself working diligently on her Marxist sketches where women in khaki skirts shit down their legs and into their uncomfortable boots:
Dunham writes of casually masturbating while in bed next to her younger sister, of bribing her with “three pieces of candy if I could kiss her on the lips for five seconds … anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl I was trying.” At one point, when her sister is a toddler, Lena Dunham pries open her vagina — “my curiosity got the best of me,” she offers, as though that were an explanation.
Any relatively sane person knows that little kids do weird show and tell shit with their nads around that certain age of discovery. I remember a troubled kid at school who used to flash his junk and scream ‘penis’ at the top of his lungs. Okay, that was me. Lena Dunham isn’t a child molester. She’s just a person who scored a massive fucking advance on a book where she promised to include a bunch of provocative shit about her growing up life. She probably made it up. But her outrage over being called on molesting little sis, that’s super fucking genuine:
Len’a putting the bros and old men in their place. At the same time, she’s giving guys like Mama June’s paroled ex-boyfriend some decent pedo spank bank reading material. Don’t ask me why all of this means that Lena Dunham wins, she just does. It’s like a balloon blowing contest. You’re in first place until you pop. Ride it, musty. The pop is coming.