What The Fuck Happened to Books?

By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 8:34 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Nicky-Hilton-Lena-Dunham-at-BookExpo

It’s no wonder the kids aren’t reading books anymore. It seems like only last year the New York BookExpo hosted masters of the ink and paper like Gwyneth Paltrow with her perfect recipes for guilt-free paella and a happy marriage. This year we got Farrah Abraham, Nicky Hilton, and Lena Dunham, the Hemingways of the Millennials. Of the three of them, Lena is the only one capable of fashioning the written word. If you’re up for a couple hundred pages into the self-absorbed hijinks of an entitled chubby girl with a loyal user card at Planned Parenthood, this is your summer read.

Farrah Abraham’s saucy novel follows the erotic tales of the completely fictional character Fallon Opal. Fallon rises to fame on a reality show, has an ass-to-mouth sex tape released she pretends is against her wishes, and finds a swarthy man named Dimitri to love her for who she really is, which I guess is Farrah Abraham. It’s hard to believe people would read books about the making of porn rather than just, I don’t know, watch porn, but dumb people need dumb books too.

Nicky Hilton is the world’s most boring person. Like her sister she’s not endowed with the ability to count high enough to certify a full deck of playing cards. Unlike her sister she lacks the joie de vivre and Neurosyphilis Dementia to be interesting. But, she’s got a book. If you ever wanted  to know how to dress like a trainable heiress who still cowers in fear when it rains, Style 360 is a must read. Get it now before her publicity teams buys up all the first-runs so they can pretend real people bought it.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Even Lena Dunham’s Dog Hates Her

By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Lena Dunham's dog bit her ass

Lena Dunham adopted a rescue dog back in January, and it ended up taking about five months for it to get fed up with her shit. The Girls star posted a photo of her ass to Instagram last night to show everyone that her dog, Lamby, bit her on the ass and drew blood. At least I think the dog drew blood, because otherwise that’s pretty gross that she’s wearing underwear with blood on it. But that might just prove how out of touch I am with the hipster culture, because blood-covered underwear probably runs a few hundred dollars extra at the thrift stores in Brooklyn, and skidmarks? Forget about it. You’d need to be starring in your own feature films to afford that kind of shit-stained used swag.

Lena Dunham’s Shoes Were Killing Her

By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Lena Dunham Waits Barefoot For A Car After The Met Gala
Lena Dunham was warned by her fairy godmother to get home from the ball before midnight, but she just wouldn’t listen. Now just look at that sad pumpkin. In fairness to Lena, it’s super hard to find designer shoes in size Hobbit-wide. I only wish Judd Apatow had been around to disperse the young street children who danced around Lena’s cankles like they were Maypoles.

Photo Credit: Splash

Lena Dunham Is Still A Classic Beauty

By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Girls star Lena Dunham was a guest of honor at the Point Honors New York Gala last night, as she received an award for all of the work that she does as an advocate for the LGBTQ community, which is a very formal way of saying that gay people love her. However, the actress still looked about as comfortable on the event’s red carpet as Kim Kardashian in a talent competition. Lena eventually thanked designer Marc Jacobs for her gold gown, which she said gave her “boob I could use,” and it was at that point that every man at the Point Honors Gala turned to each other and whispered, “And that’s why.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Joan Rivers Calls Lena Dunham A Dangerous Diabetes Causing Fatty

By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 2:34 PM

Pickled fashion crone Joan Rivers attacked Lena Dunham’s weight and the message her fat ass sends to girls. It all started when the legendary comedian took time away from luring kids into her gingerbread house oven to go on The Howard Stern Show. The topic of Dunham came up and the dress she wore to a recent event that showed off some tight cellulite above the knee. Rivers took umbrage to this and said that it sends the wrong message to girls. When Stern (who has previously apologized for calling Dunham that ‘little fat chick’) said that her whole spiel is that she doesn’t give a shit, Rivers said,

“But that’s wrong. You are sending a message out to people saying, ‘It’s okay. Stay fat. Get diabetes. Everybody die, lose your fingers. I’m saying if you look the way you look, Lena — and that’s fine and you’re funny — but don’t say it’s okay that other girls can look like this. Try to look better. Try to look better!”

Finally, someone says what everyone is thinking. People are always saying how awesome Dunham is for showing what a real woman with curves looks like.. Those aren’t curves, they’re lumps. Sofia Vergara has curves. She says it’s okay to be fat and proud, and it’s not. I guess it’s okay to be fat, if you must, just not the proud part. Some good does come out of models and actors being so thin and perfect. It fat shames the rest of us obese Wal-Mart Twinkie eaters to get off our gigantic asses and hit the treadmill and not bankrupt Obamacare in its infancy. If suddenly it’s cool to be overweight, that damn falcon faced Joan Rivers will actually be right. I can’t live in a world where Lena Dunham is naked on my TV screen and Joan Rivers deserves a round of applause.

Lena Dunham Shies Away from the Spotlight

By Jack March 14, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Lena Dunham is threatening to quit acting. But is it really a threat if it’s what everyone in the world wants? In a recent interview for Glamour magazine, Dunham talked about how she is “OVER talking about her body”, which I suppose means she might actually stop bringing it up constantly in conversation and interviews. Dunham has been widely criticized, not only because her naked body looks like a tube of toothpaste pressurized at airplane altitudes, but also because she’s just a second-rate actress.

“I don’t know if I’m going to want to act anymore. I’m always relieved on the days I don’t have to. I’d rather give parts to other women than be the woman having the parts.”

It must be tough being the woman having the parts considering you’re the woman writing and assigning the parts. At some point, even the most self-absorbed feminist needs to fly the banner of being out to help other women. They won’t let you in the front door of the Angry Vagina Club if you don’t spout such lines. But there’s no chance in hell Lena removes herself from in front of the camera. That and haikus about abortions are what keeps her going. Well, that and 4,000 kcals per day.