Us magazine has a new picture of Taylor Swift and Maggie “the Sad Cartoon Turtle” Gyllenhaal out for completely spontaneous walk, just like the one Taylor had with her totally real boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal a few days ago. And just like before, they’re having so much fun laughing and pointing they didn’t even notice that photographer directly in front of them. They only have this one picture though, probably because the boom mic showed up in the other ones.
12.03.2010 its Taylor Swift and the Sad Cartoon Turtle
05.04.2010 it’s the sad cartoon turtle!
The Costume Institute Gala in New York is arguably the biggest celebrity fashion night of the year, even bigger than the Academy Awards, so last night Maggie Gyllenhaal worked her magic and transformed herself from “Ugly” to “Nope Still Ugly But Now In A Dress”.
When asked why the event meant so much to her, she explained, “My shell may look solid, but it’s actually a patchwork of up to 60 different little shells!” I thought maybe she didn’t hear me so I asked the same question again. “My diet consists mostly of shrubs and plants!”, she replied.
After that I bailed.
07.17.2008 THE SAD CARTOON TURTLE IS SMILING
I don’t like when the Sad Cartoon Turtle smiles, because then it ruins her nickname. She needs to do her sexy look (ahem) for the name to work. Anyway, Maggie went down to the Titanic, got an outfit then went on David Letterman to promote the new Batman movie. And it’s a good thing. I didn’t even know there was a new Batman movie until right at this moment. At least this is a good excuse to ask every producer that hires Maggie Gyllenhaal as the sexy female lead a question: um … really? Seriously? How fucking high are you? I wouldn’t fuck her even if I had 10 dicks. I don't know what that means but it sounds like an insult, so there. Take that.
04.22.2008 ARE YOU GD KIDDING ME
I knew this of course but an article in todays USA Today just about knocked me over by putting it all together. We have three superhero movies out this summer, and they star Maggie Gyllenhaal, Liv Tyler and Gwyneth Paltrow. WTF. The choice of Maggie Gylenhaal is especially inexcusable, since Batman could be great. She looks like a sad cartoon turtle. Say what you will about Katie Holmes, but at least she looks human, and not like a drawing you'd see in a kids book about being down in the dumps.
09.04.2007 MAGGIE GYLLENHALL IS DISGUSTING
For some completely inexplicable reason, Maggie Gyllenhaal - who might honestly be the ugliest person on earth - is the new face of Agent Provocateur lingerie. God she's hideous. I can honestly feel the bile in the back of my throat right now. It's so uncomfortable to look at her in the best of circumstances, much less to look at her trying to be sexy. Her eyes are six feet apart and her nose is all piggy and puffy like in cartoons when someone hits their thumb with a hammer. I could make a list of at least 10 dudes I would make out with before Maggie Gyllenhaal, and I'm the most hetero dude on the planet. Seriously. I'm all man baby. Many of the local Indian tribes here even have songs about me and the amazing adventures of my dork.
08.31.2007 HOLLYWOOD HATES YOU
Several sources today, including MovieWeb and IESB, say that Jake Gyllenhaal and his offensively ugly sister have been approached about playing the Wonder Twins in the upcoming "Justice League of America" Movie. Tom Welling is also rumored to be playing Superman, which actually sounds cool, but I'm sure the producers will screw that up, because, to recap, their movie includes retarded twins and a blue monkey with a bucket. MovieWeb says:
We have a very trusted source fresh from the set of The Dark Knight, who has worked with Maggie Gyllenhaal doing live theater. As you know, Maggie stars as Rachel Dawes (replacing Katie Holmes) in the upcoming bat sequel. Our source confirms that Gyllenhaal has in fact been approached about appearing in the new Justice League of America film. Only, there is a catch. It would be a cameo, in which she would appear alongside her brother Jake.
That's right. The Gyllenhaal siblings have been approached with the idea of playing Jayna and Zan, the Wonder Twins.
These two are seriously the dumbest damn superheros ever created. She can turn into any animal. He can turn into anything water-based. Believe it or not, the crime fighting limitations of an eagle carrying a block of ice with a face occurred to the writers pretty quickly, so Zan would turn into things like an ice bicycle that the monkey would ride around. Shockingly, that stopped even fewer crimes. Because a house cat and a bucket of purple water isn't really that scary. A towel salesmen with a can of tuna could pretty much take over the earth.
