J-Lo Can’t Sit Through Mariah And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise.

See the incriminating photo. (TMZ)

Holly Graves will capture your hearts with some amazing sideboob and thong shots. (Egotastic)

Tamara Ecclestone unleashes her nips on the beach. (Drunken Stepfather)

Watch the Joker smack down Harley Quinn in this leaked Suicide Squad footage. (Huffington Post)

Let’s pretend it’s the 90′s and check out Kate Beckinsale’s ass. (Popoholic)

Hot girls tugging on their clothes to reveal what’s underneath. (The Chive)

Emma Stone grew up to be highly bangable. (COED)

2015 Billboard Music Awards Had to Happen

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:02 AM

2015 Billboard Music Awards  Mariah Carey
Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he’d make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched the Billboard music awards. Kanye was booed by the upper deck and his mom in heaven because he refused to splurge on the platinum lipo package. Mariah Carey was so tightly cinched her head threatened to go Scanners. At one point the assistant who holds the lint roller came up and wiped up visible smudges on her gown which turned out to be hemoglobin osmosed through her flesh. The Devil’s cut. Nothing fell. Where do I got to get my five minutes of fast forward back?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Leon’s Getting Larger

By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Mariah Carey Puts On See Through Outfit For Vegas Performance
The Mariah Carey combustion clock edged another minute closer to midnight. Carey has some fleeting amount of time left in between the loss of her once impressive pipes and the moment earnest college students pour buckets of sea water over her to keep her from suffocating. Being a wealthy lady let who lets it all go won’t be so bad. You can eat and breathe and disappear the staff that make fat jokes to Chinese body harvesting camps. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless the exploding waves of viscous matter are visible from space. Then you’re on YouTube.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Mariah Carey’s New Boyfriend Already Cheating

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 10:23 AM

Mariah Carey And Brett Ratner Enjoy A Day Shopping In St. Barts
Mariah Carey can’t seem to make good choices in men. I’d like to sit her down and give her some Come to Jesus advice. Right after I Come to Jesus on those impressive titties of hers. Nobody hands you your bucket list, you have to seize it. I understand the need to court industry men to get yourself set up in this business. Nobody’s going to judge your jumpstart on the bitter end of of Mottola hummer. But now maybe it’s time to date a regular joe with a tremendous tolerance for bitchery. He’ll carry your purse like Nick Cannon did when he still needed your help booking work. Mariah is apparently dating movie director Brett Ratner, the two of them seen rubbing fleshy bodies in St. Bart’s over the weekend. Then TMZ bought a picture of Ratner making out with some other chick on the back of the same boat where Mariah was making medical excuses for not singing a requested pirate song. If the Jewish dudes are cheating on you, you got problems. That’s racist. And true.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Mariah Carey Clutching Her Vegas Cash

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 9:13 AM

Mariah Carey Busty Cleavage While Leaving Dinner In Hollywood
Mariah Carey announced she’s opening her Vegas residency with a show featuring her number one hits. The news was disappointing to that guy who bought a torn piece of her gown off eBay who loves her extended work. Carey’s getting paid something close the Gross National Product of Honduras to sub in for Celine Dion who is taking a year off to travel the world in search of a newer nose. In the midst of her divorce, Carey made sure Nick Cannon got none taste of her new Vegas cash. She worked out some kind of deal with Cannon where he gets a few million and visitation rights to the twins at the Public Storage locker in Riverside. But he isn’t touching mama’s Caesar’s Palace money. The future might be tough for Nick Cannon whose most sellable skill was pretending Mariah wasn’t getting fat.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Mariah Carey Is Done

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

Carey

Mariah Carey is reportedly signing a long residency in Las Vegas. She’ll be entertaining people who bought her album for their kids who are now in grad programs at Vassar and wealthy Saudi dignitaries who used to stone people to her hits. This signifies the end of an era for Carey. You never hear about celebrities once they take that so short but final journey from Los Angeles to Vegas. That feeling you get the third day on freon becomes now permanent. Looking out from the sealed-in window of your suite you long to get back to where you came from. And you’ve got two shows tonight. Better mail it in. Nobody gives a shit anyway they’re just clapping at your tits and your hits. Exchange you for the chick doing your impression in Legends in Concert and they wouldn’t know the difference. Especially because she’s singing your high notes from behind the curtain. What’s 365 times 2 times 2 and where the fuck are the Xanax?

Photo Credit: Instagram