Mariah Carey Gets A Star

By Lex August 07, 2015 @ 8:19 AM

Mariah Carey Gets A Star
Mariah Carey laid down seductively along Hollywood Boulevard as seismologists at Cal Tech traced their pencils over the peak lines and declared a 4.3. Carey deserved her star. Even before they started passing them out to every chick who had the hot pop song of the summer or was in the latest Marvel movie. Mariah Carey earned her fame the old fashioned way. She came to town on a bus, hustled for big fake tits money, and fucked an important music executive twice her age. Kids these days with their YouTubes and their Snapchat machines just don’t get it. This might be the last of the grand dames. Form a human bucket line. If she dries, she dies.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Mariah Carey Nipple Slips Out of Containment

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 8:43 AM

Mariah Carey Bikini Malfunction In Italy
The technology that went into Mariah Carey’s all-terrain fat containment suit wasn’t even available just five years ago. It’s how we’re going to keep diabetic soda kids from going comatose on future trips to Mars. Still  you direct too many psi into the muffin area and a tit is going to squirt out of containment. A convenient coincidence when you’re forty-five and trying to look cool in front of your new rich Australian boyfriend. Reports says Mariah fell madly in love with James Packer the minute her business manager vetted his last four years of tax reports. How much is this dude worth? Mariah’s body will let you know. A nipple is a good sign.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

J-Lo Can’t Sit Through Mariah And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise.

See the incriminating photo. (TMZ)

Holly Graves will capture your hearts with some amazing sideboob and thong shots. (Egotastic)

Tamara Ecclestone unleashes her nips on the beach. (Drunken Stepfather)

Watch the Joker smack down Harley Quinn in this leaked Suicide Squad footage. (Huffington Post)

Let’s pretend it’s the 90′s and check out Kate Beckinsale’s ass. (Popoholic)

Hot girls tugging on their clothes to reveal what’s underneath. (The Chive)

Emma Stone grew up to be highly bangable. (COED)

2015 Billboard Music Awards Had to Happen

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:02 AM

2015 Billboard Music Awards  Mariah Carey
Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he’d make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched the Billboard music awards. Kanye was booed by the upper deck and his mom in heaven because he refused to splurge on the platinum lipo package. Mariah Carey was so tightly cinched her head threatened to go Scanners. At one point the assistant who holds the lint roller came up and wiped up visible smudges on her gown which turned out to be hemoglobin osmosed through her flesh. The Devil’s cut. Nothing fell. Where do I got to get my five minutes of fast forward back?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Leon’s Getting Larger

By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Mariah Carey Puts On See Through Outfit For Vegas Performance
The Mariah Carey combustion clock edged another minute closer to midnight. Carey has some fleeting amount of time left in between the loss of her once impressive pipes and the moment earnest college students pour buckets of sea water over her to keep her from suffocating. Being a wealthy lady let who lets it all go won’t be so bad. You can eat and breathe and disappear the staff that make fat jokes to Chinese body harvesting camps. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless the exploding waves of viscous matter are visible from space. Then you’re on YouTube.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Mariah Carey’s New Boyfriend Already Cheating

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 10:23 AM

Mariah Carey And Brett Ratner Enjoy A Day Shopping In St. Barts
Mariah Carey can’t seem to make good choices in men. I’d like to sit her down and give her some Come to Jesus advice. Right after I Come to Jesus on those impressive titties of hers. Nobody hands you your bucket list, you have to seize it. I understand the need to court industry men to get yourself set up in this business. Nobody’s going to judge your jumpstart on the bitter end of of Mottola hummer. But now maybe it’s time to date a regular joe with a tremendous tolerance for bitchery. He’ll carry your purse like Nick Cannon did when he still needed your help booking work. Mariah is apparently dating movie director Brett Ratner, the two of them seen rubbing fleshy bodies in St. Bart’s over the weekend. Then TMZ bought a picture of Ratner making out with some other chick on the back of the same boat where Mariah was making medical excuses for not singing a requested pirate song. If the Jewish dudes are cheating on you, you got problems. That’s racist. And true.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet