When I got too fat in college (yeah, I went, kinda) and burst a pair of my pants trying to drunk dance on top of a car, all I got was humiliated, ticketed, and a cold winter chill up my ass. I wish I had handlers like Mariah Carey. Concerned girls with headsets who come keep me from public indecency in the moments my flesh mounds defy their corset restraints. Word is Mariah has seven such girls who follow her everywhere. One girl’s job is to make sure Mariah doesn’t fall down the stairs. Another girl makes sure Mariah has the proper toilet paper to pepper her smears. And one girl’s job is to let Nick Cannon bang her in the ass while wearing a Mariah wig. Mariah has no time for any of this. She has a couple young kids she needs to see every other Tuesday for an hour. The caged bird has to sing.
Mariah Carey has a new music video called ‘Beautiful’. I’m not going to listen to it, but I’m told it’s about how much she loves a guy. It could be Nick Cannon I suppose, though that seems unlikely. Nobody really loves Nick Cannon, they just kind of find him okay. If he was a fruit, he’d be a plain red apple. He’s in every fruit assortment, but nobody picks him first. Certainly nobody’s going to write a song about him that contains this powerful callout:
“Ooh, you make me feel undressable”
I first thought it referred to the team of stevedores Mariah requires to unload her from the trusses that bind her body for public appearances. But now I realize it just means she really wants to fuck a guy who isn’t Nick Cannon. Fair enough. Nobody wants to fuck the apple.
Mariah Carey released this teaser video for her new single “Beautiful” yesterday, and the big takeaway is that her “new beginning” and “new era” will begin on May 6. If the teaser, which features the 43-year old singer and American Idol judge acting sexy on a motorcycle, is any kind of indication of what that new era will entail, then we can expect to see constant reminders that she still has long legs and giant tits.
There’s nothing wrong with that, obviously, because despite her heavy workload and two kids, she seems to be keeping her physical appearance a top priority. Clearly, she only married Nick Cannon so she could harvest his organs and drain his blood until he’s nothing but a lifeless prune. So keep up the good work, Mariah.
If there was any doubt that Mariah Carey was gonna be on her twitter all last night to document that her Valentines Day was more fantastic than yours, than I guess you’ve never heard of Mariah Carey because of course she did that.
Though to be honest it looked kinda shitty and unoriginal, which is to be expected because she’s married to Nick Cannon, and Nick Cannon is a complete fucking moron.
The only good part was when her dog jumped in the tub “in hopes …. of champagne”, which either implies that the bath is filled with champagne because that’s all Mariah will bathe in or that Mariah thinks dogs have thumbs. So I know the picture makes me hate her, I just have to decide on what she meant and then adjust my hate accordingly.
NICKI MINAJ – called Mariah Carey a “bitch” during last nights premiere of ‘American Idol’. And also before the premiere, after the premiere, and every other time Mariah Careys name has ever come up. (radar)
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT – will film some nude scenes for her show ‘The Client List’ on Lifetime, but it’s pointless because they will then blur everything before the broadcast so you wont actually see her naked. I bet her boyfriend wishes he could do that. (enquirer)
SHARON OSBORNE – started a small fire in her Beverly Hills home last night after falling asleep with some candles burning. Someone should really invent a candle that has a layer of smelling salts like half way down. (tmz)
AL PACINO – will play Joe Paterno in a movie called ‘Happy Valley’ for director Brian DePalma. No word yet on who might be interested in the Jerry Sandusky role, but they should probably be arrested immediately. (huff post)
KATE UPTON – is in a white bikini in the new GQ, but there’s just the one picture, because why would anyone be interested in something like that.
Mariah Carey looked about as good as she ever has when she took this pr photo yesterday on a beach in Australia. After that she held a black mass and killed a bunch of animals as an offering to the dark lord. Mariah Carey is controversial!