By Travis December 04, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Mariah Carey was one of several stars that helped usher in TV’s spirit of capitalism last night at the pre-tape for the 81st Annual Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, and her greatest talents were on full display for everyone in attendance. It’s a pretty strong statement that you can put Mariah in Rockefeller Center in front of the nation’s most famous Christmas tree and surround her with adorable young children, and her giant breasts somehow still manage to be the focus of attention. She’s really lucky that she’s so wealthy and has managed her money so well, because in a few years she’s going to need some serious spine-straightening operations or she’ll end up shaped like a question mark.
Photo Credits: Ivan Nikolov/WENN.com
By Travis October 09, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
There are probably plenty of people out there who still think that Mariah Carey’s marriage to Nick Cannon was a total sham, orchestrated simply to give both of them career boosts at a time when nobody really gave two shits what either of them was doing, while the birth of their children was also possibly just their way of doubling down on the charade by thinking we believed that they’re so in love. But then Mariah Tweeted this picture of her breasts to Nick for his birthday yesterday morning and I forgot whatever other bullshit I was just talking about.
By Lex July 15, 2013 @ 3:05 PM
Injuries sustained during a high heel stumbling incident on the set of her husband-directed music video could not stop Mariah Carey from performing at the Hurricane Sandy Relief Concert. A separated shoulder hardly lessened the majesty of Mariah Carey belting out classic like the soul searching ‘Who the Fuck Marries Nick Cannon?’ and the bluesy ‘Mama’s Getting Too Fat for High Heels’. It was like watching Lazarus rise from the grave. If Lazarus had been smart enough to wrap his lips around Tommy Mottola’s shlong and demand a recording contract.
Photo Credit: INF, WENN
By Travis July 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Mariah Carey had to take an unexpected trip to the hospital last week after she fell over during the filming of the music video for her latest single “#Beautiful” (hashtag intended because she’s so hip) and injured her shoulder. Of the injury, Mariah’s personal assistant and husband, Nick Cannon, originally told the Today Show that it was really serious, in order to emphasize how brave she was for eventually returning to the set and finishing the video.
But Mariah also Tweeted this photo from the emergency room and posted the above video of her being discharged, and she was either high as a diamond-encrusted kite from all of the painkillers or she’s just the most aloof diva in the world. I’m willing to bet it’s a little of both.
By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 4:36 PM
When I got too fat in college (yeah, I went, kinda) and burst a pair of my pants trying to drunk dance on top of a car, all I got was humiliated, ticketed, and a cold winter chill up my ass. I wish I had handlers like Mariah Carey. Concerned girls with headsets who come keep me from public indecency in the moments my flesh mounds defy their corset restraints. Word is Mariah has seven such girls who follow her everywhere. One girl’s job is to make sure Mariah doesn’t fall down the stairs. Another girl makes sure Mariah has the proper toilet paper to pepper her smears. And one girl’s job is to let Nick Cannon bang her in the ass while wearing a Mariah wig. Mariah has no time for any of this. She has a couple young kids she needs to see every other Tuesday for an hour. The caged bird has to sing.
By Lex May 10, 2013 @ 7:17 PM
Mariah Carey has a new music video called ‘Beautiful’. I’m not going to listen to it, but I’m told it’s about how much she loves a guy. It could be Nick Cannon I suppose, though that seems unlikely. Nobody really loves Nick Cannon, they just kind of find him okay. If he was a fruit, he’d be a plain red apple. He’s in every fruit assortment, but nobody picks him first. Certainly nobody’s going to write a song about him that contains this powerful callout:
“Ooh, you make me feel undressable”
I first thought it referred to the team of stevedores Mariah requires to unload her from the trusses that bind her body for public appearances. But now I realize it just means she really wants to fuck a guy who isn’t Nick Cannon. Fair enough. Nobody wants to fuck the apple.