By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 10:50 AM
After eleven years of dating, five years of marriage and two little kids with that skinny dude from 90210, Megan Fox is cutting her husband loose. Nobody ever fully understood why a world class sexpot was hooked up with a one-show in the 90′s actor turned part-time DJ when she could’ve hit the Miami Beach condo jackpot with some A-lister. The anomaly provided the everyman false hope of his own Megan Fox in the sack. According to the gossip rags, husband Brian Austin Green tired of Fox’s obsession with landing new film roles that took her away from bringing him YooHoo sodas and finding his video game controllers under the couch cushions. He was relatively less tired of his ten years of unemployment forcing his wife to nail down more Michael Bay tight top film roles to feed their babies. You’ll come out fine on the other end, Fox. I’d hit up one of those online reputation companies and see how much it would cost to expunge every Boolean search of your name plus Brian Austin Green. Or just replace it with ‘Single and Still Super Fucking Hot’. They’ve built more condos in Miami. Aim for the penthouse this time. You already know what the basement is like.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex October 02, 2014 @ 11:19 AM
Brian Austin Green became the last long term unemployed dad in America to join social media and start posting photos of his children on Instagram. Nobody would give a shit if Green hadn’t drawn the long straw and got to fuck babies into Megan Fox. About five years ago Fox turned her life over to the express intent of becoming less and less fascinating with each passing day. Her choice of marrying the dude who was once on a TV show in the 90′s says a lot for her commitment to sell less magazine covers. Photoshopped black and white repurposed pictures in men’s magazines is another. At some point she’ll be at a smallish Maryland area book store on C-SPAN talking about her kids picture book about rabbits. That’s the last day the last man in America ever masturbates to Megan Fox and she loses her wings.
Photo Credit: Loaded Magazine
By Matt August 13, 2014 @ 6:36 AM
Megan Fox went on Conan and told him his spirit animal is a llama. Some show prep producer mocked up a convoluted astrological chart for Fox to stumble through so the audience could laugh while imagining fucking her. Megan Fox likes to talk about shitting and farting and other boner killing conversation because she knows she can’t actually kill your Megan Fox boner. Fox is excellent at playing the dumb. This isn’t because she’s completed a character workshop with the Groundlings, its because Fox is legitimately an idiot. Having a conversation with her is akin to the feeling you get when a three year old gives you a sloppy watercolor painting. It sucks but you smile and pat them on the head. With Fox, you might try for a tit.
Fox’s handlers have essentially given up on hammering home talking points and instead just bank on people being amused by her idiotic spectacle. She has fully abandoned any pretense of forming coherent thoughts and resorts to making multiple Uranus jokes in a four minute period. Of course that hasn’t been funny since third grade, but as long as we all want to fuck Fox super badly, she’ll be getting the yucks.
By Matt July 01, 2014 @ 9:11 AM
I’d always assumed Megan Fox’s crappy acting was directly related to her complete lack of acting talent. Fucking assumptions wing me again. Apparently, her dramatic performances are grade school level because she just doesn’t give a shit:
“It’s so hard to be a working mom especially when your heart is not in your work, when your heart is with your family”
You can get fired from Sizzler for being uninspired around the salad bar, so why is Fox still getting offers? She’s hot, just like a ton of other women in this town who will push their tits up in a low cut top, slap on some tight jeans, and mouth any lines or Michael Bay’s junk as needed to secure employment. Once talent is no longer in play, that funnel top is fucking huge.
“I’m looking for movies that will shoot in Los Angeles, for projects where I can shoot in and out in 10-20 days.”
Gotcha, sexy Meryl Streep. Hollywood needs to work around your breastfeeding and tumble-time play schedule. Maybe all of this nonsense is just Fox lowering expectations for her upcoming role in Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe she is going for that Johnny Depp aloofness in an attempt to cast the detached nature of her performances as a struggle with inner turmoil. Or maybe she’s just an entitled Guess model who has already blown her Transformers money on Bugaboos and is looking for some easy paydays. If she got naked as April O’Neil, all of these questions could easily go away.
Photo Credit: Instagram, Esquire
By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 2:19 PM
I guess they’re still shooting scenes for the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. Either that or Megan Fox is postpartum nuts and performing her April O’Neil shtick on the streets of Los Angeles hoping somebody steals her unattended babies. Michael Bay seems to have this TMNT shit finally under control as they continue into their eleventh year of filming. I think the computers actually completed most of the movie during the Bush Administration and they’re just not telling the humans as a sort of payback for fucking up the turtles origin story. It’s almost time for the virgin nerd army to assemble and collectively bitch one octave higher than the standard male vocal pitch. If and when you meet one of these argumentative geeks, speak to them in a calm manner until such time as they reveal an easy strike opportunity to their man-boobs. Then fire without hesitation and watch them crumple like a cleric with no magic points.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Travis July 24, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Megan Fox and Will Arnett spent yesterday filming some scenes for the upcoming Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot in Manhattan, and it’s kind of sad that I almost forgot that Megan was still an actress. Remember when everyone used to think she was the hottest woman on the planet? Man, those were fun times.
Now she’s dressing up as April O’Neil, which should get some folks in the nerd community revved up, but even if she rolled up to Comic-Con in a turtle van, she would have had a hard time cracking the Top 50 in terms of hottest women dressed as slutty comic book characters. I’m all for comebacks, but we’re going to have to try a little harder, Meg.
(Photo Credit: Ivan Nikolov/WENN.com)