Maria Shriver Is Anti Miley Cyrus

By Matt December 11, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

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Maria Shriver reportedly disapproves of her potentially legitimate child Patrick Schwarzenegger dating Miley Cyrus because she’s best known for getting wasted and having midgets spread her ass cheeks for screaming teens and naughty Hungarian men who remember strip clubs under Communist rule. Shriver reportedly cancelled her trip to Art Basel in Miami when she found out Cyrus would be there with her son smoking a joint in pasties and drinking herself into a full Cosby ready stupor. Shriver is a real stickler for character. That’s why she married a dude with a dozen credible sexual harassment suits on file who liked to fuck things that moved within in his sightline. Its unclear if Patrick gives a shit what his perma-scowl faced mother thinks, since it is unclear whether his trust fund has kicked in or not. Based on who he’s bringing to Christmas Dinner I’d say probably yes.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Handles Her Schwarzenegger

By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 11:37 AM

Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Go Jet Skiiing In Miami
Miley Cyrus finally found a fella that makes her smile even when she’s morning almost sober. You can’t really do better than a Schwarzengger. The way Maria and Arnold banged the shit out of everybody but each other for thirty years, it’s hard to declare his lineage with any certainty, but I bet he’s hoping his dad’s a foreign diplomat with real hair, not the incoherent roid bastard who cold porked the maid. Those are some heavy emotions. The kind that can only be assuaged as a randy platypus with her own daddy issues fondles your balls from the back of your Jet-Ski. Watching two young adults who hate their parents fuck each other’s brains out still makes me tear up.

Photo Credit: INF

Miley Cyrus Does Art Basel

By Lex December 04, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Miley Cyrus Wears One Piece Thong While Preforming At Art Basel In Miami
Miley Cyrus made a powerful statement at the Art Basel show in Miami by smoking weed and drinking on stage while talking about death and banging on the piano to songs she said her friend’s cat wrote for her. It’s a little less beatnik perhaps when the show is sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger and you’re staying at the Fountainbleau with your celebrity boyfriend from USC.

“You thought Art Basel was a respected place where you could escape me. This year has constantly challenged me, and that’s why I started doing art. — Miley Cyrus on stage

Actually, I thought Art Basel was a pretentious shit show of trust funders hoping to hawk their collages to friends of Gwyneth Paltrow who invest in art for the same reason dudes at Jiffy Lube hang up wall posters of hot black chicks with big asses in thongs. But that part about escaping Miley certainly seems warranted. Though I’m pretty sure we all realize now there is no escape.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley Makes Fun Of Mexicans And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 25, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lovable cum sponge Miley Cyrus got la Raza all in a tizzy after posing for pics in a sombrero and taco costume. Personally, I’d be thankful for the cultural shout out. Any time Miley embraces you and you don’t get contact syphilis, you’ve won.

See Miley’s tuna taco. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio makes my wiener whistle a happy tune. (Hollywood Tuna)

Michelle K uses signed pics of her tits to sell albums. (Idolator)

Hailey Clauson is a naughty girl next door type. Oh, so naughty. (Popoholic)

Chevy Chase is one bloated, drunk, fat mess. (Dlisted)

Lana Del Ray’s hot Maxim pics are the best reason to read that shit. (COED)

Old yenta Bette Midler called Ariana Grande a whore. (The Superficial)

Demi Lovato No Longer Down With Miley Cyrus

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

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Demi Lovato announced she “has nothing in common” with Miley Cyrus because she was conducting an interview and had to say something quote worthy. Cyrus and Lovato were best friends until Lovato had a nervous breakdown and was found to be a bipolar bulimic self harming cocaine addict. This is known to happen in the company of Cyrus as your post dildo themed rave serotonin levels dip until your body tells itself it’s dead now. The two are on a different trajectory. Cyrus may not reach the rehab milestone for years to come and it will probably coincide with nobody giving a shit about her anymore. In the meantime it’s best the two avoid each other. While Lovato struggles to maintain her sobriety, Cyrus is currently struggling to remain not sober. It’s a constant battle but usually ends well with anonymous sex you can’t remember. With any luck the two can rekindle their friendship. It would be a Shakespearian tragedy if Lovato’s relapses should coincide with Cyrus’ eventual rehab stints.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Obnoxiously Uninhibited

By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 7:15 AM

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Miley Cyrus celebrated her 22nd birthday by riding a giant dick in a nightclub full of sex dolls and dildos stuck to the walls. I filled in the part where she ate enough molly to poke a hole in her highlights and got a train run on her by the partners at CAA in the champagne room. This is 2014 and people shouldn’t be squeamish about celebrating sex. They may however want to be squeamish about riding shimmering cocks in public because that’s gross behavior. Cyrus and her cronies may have been born under the wrong moon. The early 80′s offered a fairly uninhibited culture of sex and drugs which led to AIDS and Journey. This is kind of like that but without the spine. If you’re going to lick the ashes off the floor in a leather gay bar dungeon do it with some decorum.

Photo Credit: Instagram