By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 6:02 PM
I prefer when the publicists just say the young drug experimenting and partying performers are suffering from exhaustion or vocal chord fatigue or whatever other bullshit to explain why tours are being canceled and why the stars are mysteriously hold up in hospital wards. But I guess allergic reaction to an antibiotic is the new ‘wants to spend more time with her family’. Journey taught us that the road ain’t no place to raise a family, but it is an excellent place to chase down some happy pills with Jack and Cokes. Occasionally bands will cancel tours for non-drug related reasons. The dude from Kings of Leon canceled the tour a couple summers back because he just wanted to bang the shit out of his new Victoria’s Secret wife. Van Halen’s reunion concert got shut down when the crotchety old dudes just couldn’t stand to fucking look at each other sober. But, by and large, it’s recreational substances. Though that was refuted by Miley’s publicists:
Miley was suffering from a sinus infection during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed the antibiotic Cephalexin which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to. This type of extreme reaction can last from five to 27 days in these types of cases. She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time. Miley is devastated about missing shows and possibly disappointing her fans.
That certainly seems official. Despite first hand accounts of Miley’s massive weed smoking, it’s hard to argue with publicist penned science. I can certainly give her my compassion at this time. Privacy is another matter. I’d like to retain that for myself. I do hope Miley gets better. I bet her drug connect does too.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
First she teased and then she showed her tits and then she got on a horse and showed her tis and then she got on stage and started fingering her taint and kissed Katy Perry and grinded Robin Thicke out of his marriage. Now Miley Cyrus has run completely out of ideas. She’s Instagramming blurry photos of herself holding her tiny tits. She’s not even drinking her own urine or getting a FUCK YOU tattoo. That won’t do. We need some kind of online suggestion box where people can upload their ideas for ways for Miley to get back into the spotlight. We can blacklist phrases like cunt bomb to keep her feelings from getting hurt. It’s crowd sourcing, it’s the wave of the future. It could keep Miley going until 22.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Instagram
By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Now claiming that she’s sick on top of mourning her dead dog, Floyd, who was snatched away in the night by a band of coyotes, Miley Cyrus canceled her show in North Carolina last night just 30 minutes before it was supposed to begin. Fans were obviously devastated over the announcement, so a local news team hit the street to humiliate any crying fans they could find, like this poor girl who could barely even speak because she was so upset. It’s hard not to feel bad for her, because now she’ll have to wait to find out what shameless attention whoring looks like close up. But that doesn’t mean she should give up her own dream of working at a mall kiosk and being pregnant three times before she turns 20 like all Miley fans are destined for.
By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Miley Cyrus claims that she’s been left devastated by the death of her dog, Floyd, after he was reportedly snatched away in the night by coyotes, and she’s been coping with the loss by crying about it on Twitter and at her recent shows. The horny, pot-loving singer has even dedicated renditions of Floyd’s favorite songs to him during her shows, all for the sake of helping her cope with the gigantic hole in her heart. She also got a new dog that she was spotted with in New York yesterday, after her show on Saturday night, where she was so depressed that she could barely grind on a car hood without breaking down.
While the coyotes are probably still sleeping off their meal, Miley’s mom thought it would be a good idea to replace Floyd with another dog, and that’s just fine parenting right there. In fact, I can’t wait until Miley finally decides to have a baby, forgets it at a truck stop and then decides to adopt another one to replace it. If anything, that original baby will probably grow up to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis April 04, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Despite reportedly being devastated over the death of her dog, Floyd, Miley Cyrus decided that her shows must go on. Miley has been throwing a pity party for herself on Twitter, claiming that she’s “fucking miserable” about Floyd, and that’s understandable, because life can’t always be the pure bliss of tightly-rolled joints and widely-spread legs. While Floyd died on Tuesday, Miley took a chance to honor him at her show on Wednesday night by singing “The Scientist” (above) and “Landslide,” which Miley claims was Floyd’s favorite. Then, as a final salute to her dog, she shot 21 ping pong balls out of her butthole into the mouth a giant dog costume worn by two exhausted midget dancers. Floyd would have wanted it that way, y’all.
By Jack April 03, 2014 @ 2:08 PM
Former Hefner wet spot sleeper Kendra Wilkinson thinks Miley Cyrus is a great role model for young girls. Kendra is pregnant with her second womb ferret with her husband who played in the NFL for a couple seasons and this time it’s a girl. So, who better than a vapid stripper who climbed her way to fame one boner at a time to judge what makes a good example for kids? According to Kendra it’s Miley Cyrus:
“As much as we think she’s crazy, I think she’s a good example. Let’s not be so trapped in a box. I’m going to teach my daughter that way: be who you want to be. Society’s going to put these rules on you but if you have this feeling that you need to do whatever it is, do it…Now, I’m not saying drugs.”
Yes, because Miley rubbing her twat with a foam finger on national TV is “thinking outside of the box”. Nothing prepares a woman for the challenging world of working in the operating rooms and boardrooms like simulating sex on stage and making Mr. Yuck faces with your tongue. Through Kendra’s prism, I guess if you don’t actually have to take an octogenarian bone in your boot thrice a week to earn your keep, you’re doing more than alright. I pray the kids take after their long term unemployed father.