Miley Cyrus Defends Her Homeless Showpiece

By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:36 PM

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Miley Cyrus is doubling down on support for the handsome homeless dude she let take her mic time at the VMA’s to discuss the plight of young people living in city shelters. Yesterday we learned that Jesse Helt had a warrant out for his arrest for something minor he skipped out on back in Oregon. Today, that he was living in a park in Los Angeles because he was having trouble getting modeling gigs in Hollywood and he was too proud to go back to Oregon and live with his parents. That’s actually kind of admirable.

He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another. — Helt’s mom on her son, the unemployed male model

Gee, thanks mom for blowing a perfectly good handsome young white man lives in a bush story. Good looking 20-somethings really are the most misunderstood of the besieged classes.

Instead of just admitting that she and her handlers should have vetted their woe-monkey more before giving him the VMA stage and crying like you were eleven again and just losing your virginity to a Disney casting agent, Miley went on the attack . She Tweeted  whole bunch of self-righteous jabs at people who live in houses and don’t feel sorry for failed Hollywood models living in the jacaranda:

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Instead of putting young Richard Gere onstage, you should’ve had him pretend bang you in your next music video. He’d be famous and turning down jobs. You wouldn’t look like the spoiled girl who just learned that not everybody lives in large houses with slides that lead to the game room. Where the hell is Tish? She knows this crap.

Photo credit: MTV VMAs

Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Hero Has A Warrant

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:14 AM

Miley Cyrus’ attempt to redeem her coked up clit grinding at last year’s VMA’s fell flat when she had a homeless guy accept her Music Video award while she sat in the front row and mugged tearfully. I am not sure how much money someone has to pay you to utter these words but you would be better off blowing old men in bathroom stalls if you wanted to preserve your dignity:

“If you want to make positive change in the world right now, join us and go to Miley’s Facebook page.”

The homeless guy’s name is Jessie Holt and he took the opportunity to go into his hard luck story, which is clearly devoid of any responsibility on his part:

“I’ve survived in shelters all over the city. I’ve cleaned your hotel rooms, I’ve been an extra in your movies. I’ve been an extra in your life.”

Wait, are you an unfortunate homeless man or an out of work actor who was too good for restaurant service jobs? It turns out Holt has a warrant for his arrest in Oregon for breaking into an apartment. So apart from being a martyr serving society’s underbelly by doing the necessary things you don’t notice, Holt is also the guy who steals shit out of you car when you leave the doors unlocked. He has peered through your window at night to see if anyone is home. He has jacked your credit card when you left it in the Friday’s booth and taken it immediately to Best Buy to snake some cool Beats by Dre. Whenever people go out of their way to seem like heroes it’s a pretty solid indication they are self-serving assholes. That goes for both of them.

Miley Cyrus Is So Quirky

By Matt August 14, 2014 @ 9:38 AM

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Miley Cyrus posted a photo to her Instagram with acne medication applied to her lip and titled it ‘Zitcream Mustache.’ Cyrus really knows how to go against the grain. She became a sex symbol who looks like the dude who played the single snare drum in your high school marching band and now this. Pretty soon she will be wearing Converse All Stars that are two different colors. She might even unscrew the top of the salt shaker when she visits a restaurant. The zit cream is keeping with the trend of being super zany and down to earth. Female fans like the schtick because they are pre-pubescent and threatened by anyone who is potty trained, let alone makes an effort to act adult like. Her male followers think she’s hilarious because they have never fucked anything or had to deal with a chick who does Bacardi shots and pukes Taco Bell all over your coffee table. She is truly off the wall and I can’t wait until she reaches maturity to giggle incessantly at her used tampon and bruised anus pics.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Relates To Pigs

By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 12:55 PM

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Miley Cyrus is flooding Instagram with pictures of her new pet pig Bubba Sue, because most people have never seen a pig suckled a human teat and find the novelty endlessly hilarious. Cyrus has found that taking topless photos or parading cute animals around is a preferable means of self promotion than having to say something stupid about the Gaza conflict. Although she could mention people hate pigs there I suppose. Like many of her peers, Cyrus is  involved with PETA, because it makes you seem compassionate when you mention cruelty to circus elephants over prime rib at BOA. Pet pigs are super cut until they shit on the floor then start rolling around in it because it feels cool against their skin. I can understand Miley’s affinity for such habits, but she needs to remind herself that tossing about in her own feces might cost her some endorsement deals. Also, it’s what killed two of her uncles.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Is Good to Her Fans

By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 11:38 AM

Miley Cyrus Lets A Fan Grope Her Backstage In New York
Miley Cyrus now lets fans taste her tongue and grab her tits before and after her concert performances. In fact, you don’t need to attend the concert at all. You just hold your fifty bucks out in your hand in the private queue marked ‘Cheeses and Misc.’ out behind the theater until your number is called. I think it’s fucking genius. Why ignore a large swatch of the consumer audience whose sole interest in you is as a gender neutral portable fuck toy? Not only is that demographic loyal, they spend the entirety of their life savings pursuing their interests. Critics are calling Miley all sorts of bad names for her new hands-on services and wondering what Billy Ray must think of his daughter. You can ask him yourself. He’s running the Cheeses and Misc. line out back.

Photo Credit: Splash

Miley Cyrus Isn’t Dead Yet

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 7:37 AM

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A Miley Cyrus death hoax over the weekend spread unchecked through the camp of people who have exit bags laid out to suffocate themselves to oblivion should anything happen to Miley Cyrus. Just check out fan Lauren. The mere possibility of Miley’s tragic death forced her to spell out almost half her words. And Natalie nearly swallowed her retainer while teeing Lauren up with exasperated segues. That shit’s not funny, hoaxsters. These are real girls with real respiratory problems that keep them indoors.

Naturally, people are somewhat inclined to believe a MILEY CYRUS DEAD FROM DRUG OVERDOSE social media headline more than MILEY CYRUS SUCCESSFULLY NAMES ELEVEN STATES. The entire hoax was run by one of those spam survey sites that asks you how old you are and then says you ranked in the top 98% of respondents so you win a RV. Don’t give them your credit card number or your bank account will be used to buy more missiles to lob at Tel Aviv. This world is now way too small.