By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:23 PM
I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets or inflatable cocks or dead presidents or auto-tune or buck teeth or spastic limbs or hideous levels of corrupting the world’s children into believing self-expression means getting fucked up and sticking out your tongue. Not the drugs or the salvia or the booze or the incessant sexual liberation talk like she’s the first girl to ever discover dick. Not her stage family or the one hit dad or the other siblings and half siblings who live of her teat. Not grinding Schwarzenegger’s kid into believing this is better than boning hot models or flashing her vagina like an ISIS jihadi waves his Kalashnikov in YouTube videos. This is my power. None of that is really praise worthy. But what you can say about Miley Cyrus. She truly does not give a fuck. That is beyond rare in Hollywood. She’s a fucking unicorn. With boy unicorn tits.
Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI
By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Miley Cyrus posted a photo of herself masturbating or just lifted an image from a random 70′s porno or pantyhose billboard and called it her own. She captioned it with:
“A masturbate a day keeps the doctor away.”
There’s something inherently hot about a buck toothed cherub playing with herself and using improper syntax. Cyrus is one of the few people who masturbates standing up with their clothes on. It almost seems inauthentic, yet I still want to believe. Cyrus may be blowing her load a little too quickly as far as orchestrated sensationalism. This time next year she’ll be shooting golf balls out of her ass while you yawn and open a new tab. Either way, I’m pretty sure she diddles her bean regularly and that party drugs have eaten a hole in her brain. Really drains the serotonin. There’s a way to bring it back up. Lay back and hold your breath.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 11:35 AM
Honesty points for Miley Cyrus. Those are about as valuable as Chuck E. Cheese redeemable prize tickets. If you’re super honest for five years straight, you might afford a ten cent plastic squirt gun. Marijuana t-shirt and free commando tits. That’s Miley telling you what Miley is all about. She shouldn’t have to commission a personal song from the HitMaker6000 to explain herself. Just her tits. And weed. And maybe a little Schwarzegger crust. You can live in her world or get the fuck out. That’s only a figurative offer. You’re mostly stuck.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 2:18 PM
Remember when everybody criticized Miley Cyrus for her raunchy shlock filled Bangers tour then she said, oh, boy, that really hurts, I just got wasted for a year and earned $100 million so suck the dick I’m going grow just to be infliential. V Magazine, a magazine so edgy themselves they could contain the edginess of Miley Cyrus, is releasing photos from the lowest dude on the totem pole they sent along with Miley on tour to take out of focus snapshots. It’s possible he actually though they were in focus, but through the lens of Grey Goose and Adderall snorts. Is this just some cycnical attempt to show off Miley’s tits again. Fuck you, it’s free.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Matt January 07, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Miley Cyrus thought she’d share some photos of her nose dripping blood. Madonna had some desperate cries for attention which were often lucratively rewarded. You should have given her a consultation call because real blood is not a winner. Dumb people only like edgy shit to a certain degree. You go past boobs and bongs in your selfies, the general public gets weirded out and retreats into their cave where Jay Leno interviews a literal Blow Pop. You’re not going to be in the rotation anymore with this poorly thought out shit. You’re their audience. I hope it’s real.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 6:28 AM
There comes a time in every Schwarzenegger boy’s life when he brings home the girl he’s fucking to remind dad that he’s not gay, that’s the other son who sides with mom. Arnold was exceedingly gracious and even wore his less obvious weave to meet Miley Cyrus and his son Patrick for breakfast in Ketchum, Idaho. As per Schwarzenegger custom, dad plunged two fingers into Miley’s vagina to determine her compatibility with his son. It’s like eHarmony, but with much less intrusive questions. Arnold tasted his moistened digits and pronounced the relationship sound. Wunderbar. Everybody had toast and pretended Maria would ever accept this.
Photo Credit: Archives