Steve Harvey’s big bald head is the universal signal that family safe comedy is coming your way. Harvey fucked up the big moment of the Miss Universe pageant when he declared Miss Colombia the winner and Miss Philippines the runner-up, the opposite of the actual results on the card. Paramilitary juntas in Colombia fired their AK’s into the air for naught as producers tipped off Harvey who had to apologize and re-announce the chick from the Philippines the real winner.
The winner cries and waves and the runner up delivers the false sentiment hug, now all needing a hurried switcheroo hoping nobody notices you soiling your Spanx on live TV. The difference in payouts is huge. Miss Universe gets a whirlwind tour of Middle Eastern outlet shopping centers and six months as beard to a Jonas brother. The runner-up gets six tabs of HSV1 suppressant and a Whitman’s Sampler. After the fracas, the two contestants hugged and agreed how silly it was since they were both just Dominican nursing students at Central Florida. Trump!
When you leave Beirut on the burro for the Miss Universe pageant, you’re given two instructions. Smile like you’re from a better country and don’t get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their neck stumps. For two weeks of whatever the hell they do at Miss Universe, Miss Lebanon kept her distance from Miss Israel. But sinister sneaky Jews being what they are, Miss Israel bided her time then popped into frame with Miss Lebanon in a selfie she posted to Twitter. All hell broke loose in Lebanon. Three times the usual rubble was created. Miss Lebanon was called a traitor, a Jew lover, and was in danger of losing her country crown to the chick with the infected face scab who came in a close second. Miss Lebanon quickly took to social media
Miss Lebanon’s manager filed a complaint with the Miss Universe pageant and demanded Miss Israel be removed from the competition. Then he turned to the camera and told people Beirut was lovely in the Spring and the Intercontinental had vacancies. The Miss Universe judges re-acted by naming Miss Colombia the winner because she’s hot and Spanish and learned early in life that men love tits more than politics.
The Miss Universe pageant tried something new this year by having the girls wear costumes that represented their homelands as depicted in 1950′s era racist Atlases. Those ones where there were black tribalists with spears in the middle of Botswana. Miss Greece came out as a sheep being fucked by a shepherd being fucked by another guy. Miss India came out answering Microsoft customer service calls with a faux middle American accent, and somebody just came out as the Virgin Mary because who the fuck is going to tell the Virgin Mary to take a hike within 500 miles of the Florida panhandle. None of it really made any sense but thankfully nobody watches the Miss Universe pageant so there were few questions. All that’s left now is to wait to read the scandal about how Miss Ukraine has a secret prostitute past which should come as no revelation since her national costume choice was a whore beneath a red light blowing a Russian soldier who missed his mother’s cooking. People who say beauty pageants are anachronistic are people still watching beauty pageants so it’s hard to take them seriously.
Donald Trump shuttled off the half of the Miss Universe contestants who refused to rub his hair piece against their foreign vaginas to the Food for the Poor organizational headquarters in Florida. The sort of good looking girls from around the world didn’t actually feed the poor, but they were given a presentation on how that process works. Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Learn about how to give a man a fish and it’s going to make for a great contextually relevant speech during the bikini competition.
The Miss Universe pageant has been criticized in recent years for being sexist, shallow, contrived, pointless, and boring. They’ve deflected these barbs by pointing out how many of their contestants have been murdered in their savage homelands. Pawn to queen’s knight 4. Your move, press.
Olivia Culpo, a 20-year-old sophomore at Boston University and current Miss Rhode Island, became the first American in 15 years to win the Miss Universe pageant last night, when she… uh… won the Miss Universe pageant.
And of course she won. Look at the neckline on her gown, or on this costume that would be kinda patronizing if a foreigner was wearing it. This girl gets it. I know what people like, and what they like is tits.
I’m sure some horrific new Chris Brown details will come out soon enough, but until then, look, tits. Because Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela, is at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas this week. I don’t know who is in charge of Venezuela, but they should replace their flag with that banner picture. I started to look up who was in charge of Venezuela but it turns out that no one knows. Mostly because I spelled it "Veniziela". I was going to look it up with the correct spelling but I'm pretty quick to give up, and surrender at the slightest bit of adversity.