Elisabetta Canalis Date For Hire

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

Elisabetta Canalis Wears A Low Cut Red Dress At The Vienna Opera Ball With Her Date Richard Lugner
This old Austrian billionaire might just be my hero. He just married that German blowup doll one-quarter his age to be his regular pecker wetter, but he’s still doling out the 500K paychecks to get celebrity chicks in low cut dresses to be his date to the big opera events. I don’t think he gets to old man pudge bang George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, but a few gropes and titty touches are probably in the contract. It’s not assault if it’s listed in Exhibit B and you own the Vienna police force.

Photo Credit: Splash

Richard Lugner Marries Younger

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

Cathy Schmitz Is Very Happy With  81 year old Billionaire Husband
There’s no ambitious escort taping racist comments by billionaires in Austria. They all say racist shit and everybody raises their glass in cheers. That’s why octogenarian billionaires can receive tit jobs from 20-something barbie dolls without fear of being extorted. Richard Lugner is the construction industry magnate who paid Kim Kardashian half a mill to be his date to the Viennese Ball last year. He griped when she brought E! TV cameras along and refused to let him finger her butthole while telling her stories about how Hitler and his dad were swimming pool safety buddies. Much easier to find a blonde German Playboy model and give her a ring and a personal services contract. It’s easy to mock an elderly dude who marries a young girl so his man-servant can maneuver his crinkled peen gently into her vagina. It’s less easy to admit, that’s exactly what I would fucking do if I was 82 and had a billion dollars.

Photo Credit: Getty/Instagram

Kim Kardashian Is One Super Crappy Escort

By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Kim Kardashian As Richard Lugner's Date For The Vienna Ball
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:

It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.

I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:

She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.

A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.

Photo Credit: Splash