Rihanna, the NFL, and Face Punching: The Real Story

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 8:23 AM

Rihanna

The NFL’s Three Stooges stop motion scramble to cover its ass in the wake of the Ray Rice scandal involved some buffoonery with using a Rihanna song in the new pre game show. The NFL apparently planned to use the song as a tie in to the domestic violence elephant in their guilt laden repentance tinged opening. They put out a press release advertising the former punching bag’s involvement in the show.

“CBS & NFL Network ‘Run This Town’ for Thursday Night Football Open with Music Featuring Rihanna & Narration by Don Cheadle.”

Rihanna’s people felt this was exploitive because her involvement was limited to background music, and it was obvious the NFL was involved in some ham fisted PR bullshit so juvenile it was most likely conceived of under some bleachers. According to them, Rihanna’s label didn’t grant the rights to use the song because of this.

“Due to the misuse and misrepresentation of Rihanna’s name and participation in connection to CBS TNF, CBS was not allowed to license and utilize the song ‘Run This Town.’ Roc Nation made the decision to not grant the song’s usage.”

The NFL responded by pretending to voluntarily exclude the song from the show, insinuating that they did it in good taste, which is the same reason they wanted to use the song before they were not able to. Basically the NFL thinks they run our cultural landscape like Kim Jong un rules North Korea. If he misses a putt, someone will either move the green or tap it in when he’s not looking. Surely they are onto the fact that we all know they are lying and twisting everything, and still have no choice but to watch football. Its called a dictatorship. Rihanna should be pissed, although she doesn’t mind being taken advantage of and will quickly wash away the pain by banging a strange man with sideburns on a yacht.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rihanna Pissed at the NFL

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

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Rihanna’s firing back at the NFL for pulling her opening song for last week’s Thursday night football because the game involved the Ravens and the Ray Rice story was hot and heavy and when people think of Rihanna they think of her being punched in the face by angry Chris Brown. Or, just because the NFL vacillates between under-reacting and over-reacting to unexpected news like an unmedicated bipolar on her period. That’s a cheap shot at both the mentally ill and women when I really just wanted to mock the NFL. This abusive trap is easy to fall into.

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It’s a nice sentiment, Rihanna. If you owned your own publishing and master recording rights, it might actually mean something. It does suck that Rihanna got punched in the face and now she has to deal with the consequences while Chris Brown conducts his court-ordered community service which seems mostly to be playing ball and banging hookers and throwing rocks at his mom. There’s no denying victim stigma. It lingers. If you have a choice between a famous rapping boyfriend with a bad temper and, say, a tax accountant who will let you sit on his face while you eat Rocky Road and then thanks you for the privilege, consider the option that gets you punched less.

Photo credit: Rihanna/Twitter

The NFL Punches Rihanna And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 12, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

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In its infinite wisdom to cover its ass over fucking up the Ray Rice debacle, the NFL pulled a Rihanna song from its Thursday night football coverage so people wouldn’t think about Rihanna being punched in the face by Chris Brown. They also banned Tina Turner songs and any Michael Jackson songs created after his childhood beatings but before his molestations of other kids.

Read all about the NFL trying to cover its ass. (The Superficial)

John Mayer is trying to plow Jennifer Lawrence. (Dlisted)

Shia LeBeouf has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and being a dick. (Huffington Post)

How can Sofia Vergara even work out with those huge titties flopping around? (Popoholic)

Have you missed beating prostitutes? Here is the trailer for the new Grand Theft Auto. (COED)

Scout and Rumer Willis finally naked together as sisters should be. (Drunken Stepfather)

Julianne Hough has tits and her cleavage looks amazing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna Drinks Until She Breaks Out

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 1:38 PM

Rihanna In A Black Bikini Boarding A Yacht In Sicily
Rihanna works hard and plays harder. That’s so fucking Bajan. But even she knows you can’t get loaded every single day of the year. When her zits start bursting and dousing the kids in the front row, she goes full temperance.

When I feel like my skin has had it, I cut all the alcohol completely and overdo the water.

If you think being an alchy who has to worry about her complexion is easy, think again. It’s enough just to worry about being fired or arrested or having sex with David Spade on accident. Now you have to worry about covering your whiteheads before a Vogue shoot? I’d turn directly to heroin. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and outside of the sallow skin and the dead eyes, your smooth as a naked cat. Until you quit and your body turns into one giant scab. But quitters never win.

Seems sensible enough.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Rihanna Wants Her Own Stalker

By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 10:58 AM

RIRIRIRI

Some guy hung around outside of Rihanna’s house for three hours before he was scared off by a security guard. The cops caught the guy and since hanging around outside an auto-tuned pop singer’s house is not illegal they made some shit up and charged him with vandalism. The police think the guy is just a random petty criminal but Rihanna’s security guards claim he is a stalker. I’m going to trust the cops over the guys who tried to be cops and were denied based on background checks and the inability to run a flight of stairs. Claiming every sketchy asshole to be a stalker is definitely self serving publicity wise. The guy who stole the generator out of my garage at three in the morning was probably totally obsessed with me. He just wanted something of mine and is probably jerking off to it right now. I can’t change what happened but I’ve been leaving my keys in the car so I can make some new fans.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rihanna Touches Herself for the Children

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

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Rihanna is making waves again. I don’t know, people say that. This time it’s not for singing tracks into a computer for re-assembly, but for sticking her paw into her pants on Twitter. She captioned the photo “school. kills” which is something not quite as provocatively inane as watching Rihanna finger her vagina through her transparent weed and cigarettes shorts. Rihanna’s public relations are run mostly by she and her buddies getting wicked fucking high and thinking of stupid things to do on the Internet that will get even stupider people like me to…. fuck.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet