People Magazine named Sandra Bullock 2015′s Most Beautiful Person after a highly contentious process which utilized multiple analytics to pander to their aging readership and P.R. firm connections. At 50, Sandra Bullock is still pretty hot. And my car is in good shape for a ’98 Eclipse minus the Nader bumper sticker but I’m not entering it in any parades. Bullock for her part was humble, before she went home and rubbed one out to the cover:
“I’ve never been a great beauty. I’ve never been a bombshell that was coveted.”
Stop the presses, we’ve made a huge mistake. Of course being hot isn’t the end game here. It’s all about not threatening the yentas who read in pictures and thought bubbles. The receptionist at People is most likely hotter than Bullock but that could send you to the ice cream aisle in a fit of self doubt. Let me make this easy for you: Your husband is attracted to her. He’d probably have dinner with Bullock. Dame Judi Dench named runner up. Sorry models.
Sandra Bullock is set to star in an upcoming movie as Brownie Wise, who was a director of marketing for Tupperware. The film will chronicle Wise’s life and the spellbinding story of how Tupperware became a successful plastic container company. If you’re wondering why you’re storing your weed in a container marked Tupperware, this movie won’t show you that. But it’ll still seem interesting if you’re really fucking high.
This bland mature market film role is part of Bullock’s plan to accelerate her menopausal process, which she has been looking forward to since college. Bullock has taken up adopted motherhood, attending flea markets, and joined a book club in recent years in an attempt to convince American males that her humonkous is a barren desert. She will soon be doing Activia spots and then an audio tape of her saying something horrifyingly racist about the Civil War Reconstruction will surface. It will be a dark day for American males as we realize yet another chick we used to masturbate to is now an asexual woman wearing cardigans in home decor magazines. It’s like a little death.
George Clooney has a knack for dating significantly younger women who are incredibly attractive and then dumping them once they mention the M word, so it wouldn’t be his style to suddenly start dating a woman closer to his age. But based on the way that he was looking at and acting around his Gravity co-star, Sandra Bullock, at the Venice Film Festival yesterday, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility that he’s sleeping with her just for shits and giggles. That way, when he goes back to sleeping with three 19-year old models this weekend, he can joke, “The last broad I slept with was as old as all of you combined.”
Sandra Bullock dressed up as Jessie the Cowgirl yesterday to take her son Louis trick or treating in LA. As you can see, he wore a Buzz Lightyear costume, which is actually kind of weird because in the movies Jessie and Buzz are the sentient doll equivalent of boyfriend and girlfriend. But whatever.
And if you don’t remember, Bullock adopted Louis, who is almost 3 now, in January of 2010. She was NOT raped, and will get very very mad if you assume she was and approach her to offer your sympathies, even though you’re only trying to be polite. Because apparently that’s a crime now.
Last night during the premiere of his season on ‘American Chopper’, Jesse James dismissively referred to Sandra Bullock simply as “some Hollywood actress”, and I know this because dozens of celebrity sites (including Us – E! – Access Hollywood and the Huffington Post) are saying he did, all with a report that is basically some version of this:.
Jesse James continues to be in the running for worst ex of 2011! His latest comment for consideration comes in the form of a slam about ex-wife Sandra Bullock.
“I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad,” Jesse said (as) he apologized to his fans (we’re not exactly sure who and where these “fans” are!). “I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show ‘em that I’m still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I’m not what I became.”
Problem is that everyone is skipping over the first part, where he explains why he moved to Austin and mentions her by name, which puts things in a better context.
“I started coming to Texas about 6, 7 years ago, because Sandy lived down here. I just felt relaxed here, and now I can look out and see trees, and birds. I just became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad and feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show ‘em that I’m still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I’m not what I became.”
So in reality he said that he moved cross country to spend more time with Sandra Bullock, which is actually a nice thing to say, yet it got twisted into a dismissive insult by a sector of the media run almost exclusively by women and gay guys so they could make a guy who cheated look like an asshole. Or at least that’s how I’m preemptively spinning what they do, just in case I ever get caught cheating on someone famous.
Sandra Bullock is 47, and worth hundreds of millions of dollars. This has to be filtered through that, but she left a gym in West Hollywood today and looked pretty terrific. So I never would have thought I’d have sex with a girl almost 50, but here we are.