After clamor from absolutely nobody anywhere, an all female cast version of Ocean’s Eleven is in the works. This has nothing to do with George Clooney exec producing and lining up some easy millions in his pocket to help fund his wife’s ISIS support picnics. Or upping his feminist credentials, marred only by his fucking the shit out of fifty young women and dumping them when he got tired of their pussies. Or doing a huge solid for his good friend Sandra Bullock who could use a win. It’s about a commitment to cynically remake, reboot, or retool every previous successful movie ever because making new shit is too hard and making old shit again is a surer bet. The Ocean’s Eleven franchise is a re-do itself of the Ocean’s Eleven from 1960 where they intentionally put a black guy in so nobody in 2015 could do the all-black Ocean’s Eleven and call it novel. This is movie making in the manner of going back to fuck your old girlfriend. You still have her number because it’s comfortable and she doesn’t make you work hard. Now imagine your fucking Sandra Bullock. Now, gimme fourteen dollars, dummy, twenty if you want popcorn.
The racial divide in America affects nobody more than Hollywood celebrities who have adopted super cute black babies because nobody within twelve thousand miles could have made a better parent. Also, it’s inherently less indulgent than picking up a white kid at the kid store. Sandra Bullock fears for her black son’s future and safety in the current racial climate in America. Super wealthy black celebrity kids at elite private schools in Malibu often suffer the worst police brutalities. My hands are up, floor supervisor. No, I don’t need to have my BMW keys taken away for a weekend. Have you seen Speed?
Sandra has committed herself to thinking about this problem daily:
You see how far we’ve come in civil rights — and where we’ve gotten back to now. I want my son to be safe. I want my son to be judged for the man he is. We are at a point now where if we don’t do something, we will have destroyed what so many amazing people have done. You look at women’s rights; it’s turning into a mad, mad world out there. But sometimes it needs to get really loud for people to say, ‘I can’t unsee this.’ If I could ride in a bubble with him for the rest of his life, I would. But I can’t.”
I don’t know what any of that means. The bubble bit seems like something moms shouldn’t be saying at fifty. It’s obvious that Sandra Bullock cares about a lot of stuff. She’s going to continue to mull this over. Maybe talk to Clooney over lunch about how great things used to be for blacks in America but not so much since Terence Howard’s role on Empire got diminished. She’s probably also write a check and if things don’t dramatically improve for people she has no interaction with, retweet a hashtag. In the old days, adopting a black baby was the destination, not the journey. You can’t send him back.
Photo credit: Getty Images
People Magazine named Sandra Bullock 2015′s Most Beautiful Person after a highly contentious process which utilized multiple analytics to pander to their aging readership and P.R. firm connections. At 50, Sandra Bullock is still pretty hot. And my car is in good shape for a ’98 Eclipse minus the Nader bumper sticker but I’m not entering it in any parades. Bullock for her part was humble, before she went home and rubbed one out to the cover:
“I’ve never been a great beauty. I’ve never been a bombshell that was coveted.”
Stop the presses, we’ve made a huge mistake. Of course being hot isn’t the end game here. It’s all about not threatening the yentas who read in pictures and thought bubbles. The receptionist at People is most likely hotter than Bullock but that could send you to the ice cream aisle in a fit of self doubt. Let me make this easy for you: Your husband is attracted to her. He’d probably have dinner with Bullock. Dame Judi Dench named runner up. Sorry models.
Photo Credit: Twitter
Sandra Bullock is set to star in an upcoming movie as Brownie Wise, who was a director of marketing for Tupperware. The film will chronicle Wise’s life and the spellbinding story of how Tupperware became a successful plastic container company. If you’re wondering why you’re storing your weed in a container marked Tupperware, this movie won’t show you that. But it’ll still seem interesting if you’re really fucking high.
This bland mature market film role is part of Bullock’s plan to accelerate her menopausal process, which she has been looking forward to since college. Bullock has taken up adopted motherhood, attending flea markets, and joined a book club in recent years in an attempt to convince American males that her humonkous is a barren desert. She will soon be doing Activia spots and then an audio tape of her saying something horrifyingly racist about the Civil War Reconstruction will surface. It will be a dark day for American males as we realize yet another chick we used to masturbate to is now an asexual woman wearing cardigans in home decor magazines. It’s like a little death.
Photo credit: Splash News
George Clooney has a knack for dating significantly younger women who are incredibly attractive and then dumping them once they mention the M word, so it wouldn’t be his style to suddenly start dating a woman closer to his age. But based on the way that he was looking at and acting around his Gravity co-star, Sandra Bullock, at the Venice Film Festival yesterday, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility that he’s sleeping with her just for shits and giggles. That way, when he goes back to sleeping with three 19-year old models this weekend, he can joke, “The last broad I slept with was as old as all of you combined.”
(Photo Credits: WENN.com)
Sandra Bullock dressed up as Jessie the Cowgirl yesterday to take her son Louis trick or treating in LA. As you can see, he wore a Buzz Lightyear costume, which is actually kind of weird because in the movies Jessie and Buzz are the sentient doll equivalent of boyfriend and girlfriend. But whatever.
And if you don’t remember, Bullock adopted Louis, who is almost 3 now, in January of 2010. She was NOT raped, and will get very very mad if you assume she was and approach her to offer your sympathies, even though you’re only trying to be polite. Because apparently that’s a crime now.