01.01.2010 the top 10 stories of 2009

10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)

9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL - because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)

12.31.2009 the top 100 stories of 2009 (11-50)

50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)

49. CALL OF DUTY 2 - made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)

48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)

47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)

80 photos in gallery >

12.30.2009 the top 100 stories of 2009 (51-100)

All the dumb websites and magazines and TV shows do lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go.

100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED - by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)

99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED - This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)

98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR - Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)

97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS - The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)

96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED - Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)