the top 10 stories of 2009

By brendon January 01, 2010 @ 12:50 PM

10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)

9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL – because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)

8. NATASHA RICHARDSON DIED - By all accounts she was a decent, talented and gracious woman. Her death is still confusing, as the official story is she hit her head on snow while skiing. Snow: NATURES LOADED GUN! (March 18th)

7. CHRISTIAN BALE WENT NUTS - I think he might be upset. (February 2nd)

6. SNOOKIE GOT KNOCKED OUT - The most entertaining film of the year. The New York Times called it, “A delightful romp, sure to please and make crowds stand up and cheer!” (December 9th)

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5. KATE GOSSELIN IS A MEAN BITCH - Everything you need to know about this evil bitch can be seen in this video. She might as well have snakes for hair she’s so evil. (June 12th)

4. ERIN ANDREWS HAD A SECRET ADMIRER - See, doesn’t it sound nicer like that? The media is so negative all the time. And instead of “rapist”, what if we said, “her mysterious lover”. How romantic! (July 20th)

3. RIHANNA GOT BEAT UP - A lot sure has changed since that terrible night 10 months ago. I no longer ask, “Who the hell is Chris Brown”, for example. (February 9th)

2. JESSICA SIMPSON GOT FAT - All my thoughts are summed up by the expression on that guy behind her. As shocked as we all were, look at that guy. It’s like he’s lost the will to live. (January 26th)

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1. MEGAN FOX KISSED A GIRL - If I have to explain why this was a big deal, and why it’s clearly the biggest story of the year, you’re probably too busy trying on your pretty dresses to read it. (September 23rd)



(20) Comments

  1. Terrence Maddox 01/01/2010 13:18

    Erin Andrews is my pick for “Most Beautiful Ass” of 2009

  2. pepper 01/01/2010 13:42


  3. chrisday 01/01/2010 13:51

    tyler, ………than you. words cant express.

  4. Demon Spawn 01/01/2010 13:59

    Megan Fox kissed a girl. So what? It’s not like she kissed an Asian chick or something. Then maybe it would count. Especially if she were a pornstar. That would count for double.

  5. ukickedmydog 01/01/2010 14:20

    Demon Spawn,

    As long as she didn’t taint herself by kissing that basketcase Tila Tequila, I would agree that that would be very good.

  6. Observer 01/01/2010 15:45

    The “Erin Andrews” was a good story……

    ….how the fuck does the New “Joisey” bullshit end up in the top 1 million……never mind top 10?

  7. Observer 01/01/2010 15:49

    The Natasha Richardson story was half decent as well……

    ….sad……but nice tits……

  8. BALLSY 01/01/2010 17:03

    Pepper moved into a larger space that should be in the top five , he moved because he needed a space to hide the bodies in.

  9. The Narrator 01/01/2010 18:14

    Erin and the Ashley Greene is all the year needed for me.

  10. Gildorg 01/01/2010 19:59

    Personally I prefer this version of the Christian Bale incident.

    Aren’t there some Topless Kelly Brook pics on here somewhere? Those would qualify to be in the top ten no matter what year!

  11. SCUM 01/01/2010 20:09

    I thought the top story was Doc and Tengo hooking up and the coinciding downfall of this site.

  12. Okuma 01/01/2010 20:22

    Yay…Megan Fox takes #1…If only there were some way to see moderately attractive girls kissing…and try to stay with me on this….WHILE NAKED. Oh what a wonderful world this would be to see girls who rank a 7 at most kissing each other, only doing it while naked. What’s that? There is something like that? It’s called “lesbian porn?” Tell me more, I’m intrigued.

    Also, shame on you for snubbing Dom Deluise’s death.

  13. pepper 01/01/2010 21:15

    SCUM, that’s what I wrote …….

  14. The Irreverent Tony Stark 01/01/2010 22:04

    ::walks in the room, with tumbler filled with the Scotch the Secret Santa left::

    ::starts taking down the artificial Christmas tree::

    The beer bottle ornaments are a bit tacky.

  15. ukickedmydog 01/02/2010 00:43

    topless kelly brook –

    fuck YES

  16. Gildorg 01/02/2010 14:16

    Thank you, ukickedmydog!

    I knew there were some pics on here.

    Man, the last three-four day holiday for awhile and everyone takes off around here. I mean most of the regulars ignore everyone who isn’t one, but it is wierd that the majoriy of the posters here just disappear… Considering on the average day some of these posts have like 300 posts!

    In any case, thank you again for taking the time to post the link to the pics.

  17. Gildorg 01/02/2010 14:18

    Oh Mr Stark?

    What did you make the Top on the tree out of?

    It looks like parts of the labels of the Johnie Walker brothers labels?

  18. ukickedmydog 01/02/2010 14:45

    I made my tree out of Thai Sticks and sassafras.

  19. Gildorg 01/02/2010 17:42

    I made a tree out of empty booze bottles, but it was more sad than anything else.

  20. Woodsman 01/03/2010 20:56

    What about the story where Katherine Heigl got hit in the face with a shovel? Or did i dream that?

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