I was gonna watch "Dancing with the Stars" this year to see one-legged contestant Heather Mills, but then I remembered I wasn't super super gay, so I didn't. Luckily I'm confident enough to watch clips on youtube, at least clips that are described as "Heather Mills falls". Obviously she's handicapped and we're supposed to pretend this is empoweringly heroic, but here's the thing: it's not. It's really not. She's kind of a bitch and she can't dance. She looks like a drunk on stilts. She looks like someone put a baby giraffe on skates and then pushed it. For three minutes, she looks so hopelessly lost and confused, I swear to christ if you could somehow get a monkey out of a time machine and then immediately put him on stage, he'd do as good or better. Oh, and THEN she falls down. Ta-da!