UPDATE!!! PARIS IS GOING TO COURT TODAY

Paris Hilton was expected to appear in court in just one hour, at 9am pacific time, but now a spokesman from the Los Angeles County Superior Court has confirmed that Paris Hilton will not appear in person, and will instead participate in the hearing via conference call from her Hollywood Hills home.  And now, TMZ says:

…a battle is raging inside the courtroom between Paris' lawyer, the City Attorney and the Sheriff's Dept. over the decision to allow Paris Hilton to appear by phone this morning.

I like to pretend that this way the judge can make his ruling and then order fighter jets to swoop in over Hiltons house and neutralize the contamination zone without hurting innocent people in the court.  I also like to pretend I'm a Viking!  Yarrghhh!!!

SEXY UPDATE – "TMZ has learned that Judge Michael T. Sauer has ordered that Paris Hilton appear in court for the hearing, which is scheduled to take place at 9:00 AM PDT.   Sheriff's car is already on the way to pick up the heiress from her West Hollywood home."

This judge is my new hero.  This weekend I'm gonna go to Six Flags and get one of those drawings of me and him on a skateboard and there will be little hearts all around my head as I look up at him.