THE SECRET WITNESS REVEALED

Not surprisingly, the "secret witness" presented by Gloria Allred with alleged shocking details about Britney Spears turns out to be a former Britney bodyguard.  He's the lox you see in the video above.  It's still not clear what he claims to know, but Allred will hold a press conference later today and she's expected to explain everything then. TMZ says:

The secret witness in the Britney Spears custody hearing is a former bodyguard of Brit's who worked for the popwreck during her string of less-than-crowd-pleasing House of Blues performances. Oh, the things he saw! His name is Tony. At this moment, Tony is still waiting to see if he will be called as a witness today. Either way, TMZ is told that his attorney, Gloria Allred, will hold a presser at the end of the day, where she will reveal his identity and about what Tony plans to testify.

Everyone seems to think he'll say Britney does drugs.  But that's easy.  In fact, look, I just did it too.  Is this guy even a real bodyguard?  He's just a big fat guy walking in front of her.  What the hell is he protecting her from, the sun?  Hot dogs?  I'm pretty sure I could run in circles around Britney slapping her in the head while this guy flailed wildly around trying to grab me and gasping for air.  He looks befuddled through this entire video, like if you took a caveman to an air show or gay pride fair.