Today is boring, so in keeping with that theme here’s a story about the excruciatingly boring Maxim magazine. The magazine may suck (hint – it does) but at least its founder Felix Dennis is interesting. He has a long interview with the Times Of London today, where he covers everything, and I mean everything, even his crack addiction in the 90’s and the time he killed someone, possibly the pimp of a prostitute he had feelings for. An excerpt:
He (Felix) looks so intense that I ask him whether he's ever fought with a man over a woman. “I've killed a man,” he says. What? “I've killed a man.” What do you mean, you've killed a man? “I killed him.” Does everyone know you've killed a man? “No, and they'll never find out, either.” Are you kidding me? Are you winding me up? Where? In what country? “I killed him. That's all you need to know. I killed him.”
Oh Felix, you're having me on. “No.” Promise me. Swear to God… “He hurt her and I told him to stop and he kept on.” What did it feel like, then? “He hurt her.” What did you do? “Pushed him over the edge of a cliff.” In the Caribbean? “Don't matter where it was. He wouldn't let her alone. She told him to stop. I told him to stop. Many people told him to stop. Wouldn't stop. Kept on and on and on. Made her life a living misery: beat her up, beat up her kids, wouldn't let her alone, kept on, kept on - weren't even his kids, so in the end, I had a little meeting with him, pushed him over the edge of a cliff. Weren't 'ard.”
Are you sure you want to be telling me this? “Don't care. Anybody harms one of mine… if they harm one of mine, they'd better know what they're doing. And they'd always be warned. I wouldn't attack anybody without reason. I'll attack nobody without reason. Without trying again and again to bring this thing to a much more satisfactory and sensible, more rational conclusion. But if they keep harming one of mine, then I have no option.”
I like to think I would kill the pimp of a prostitute too if it really came down to it. And by "if it really came down to it", I mean, "if he wouldn't recognize my Tyler Dollars as legal, whore-purchasing currency".
Buying Maxim instead of Playboy is like stopping a blowjob mid stroke and demanding an unlubricated hand job.
what a coincidence, I just bought a maxim subscription for my friend in county lock up for the next 90 days!
The owner of Maxim is responsible for my suicide* when he published those photos of Lucy Pinder that don't show anything.
*I got better.
Does everyone know you've killed a man? “No, and they'll never find out, either.”
Hey, uh… you just told the TIMES OF LONDON. You think they're gonna keep your big secret? Liar.
Does Lucy have a permit for those weapons she's carrying around?
Pinder? Yep, I sure did!
How can you take a guy seriously whose first name is "Felix"? Famous Felixes:
a) the Cat
b) Unger
c) Frankfurter
d) that's it.
what? the owner of a media outlet telling a silly story for attention…..impossible!!
Ok, (e) Mendelssohn and (f) Hernandez (if you are a baseball fan) and (g) Bloch (Nobel Prize winner.
But I had to Google those.
Yea, I remember back in my 'Nam days I killed a lot of people. Mostly vagrants and bums that were in daycare with me. Li'l phuckers wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop. I warned them several times, but they kept playing keep-away with my red plastic corvette. So we had a little meeting and I pushed them off the monkey bars. Since I was the white kid, I just pointed to someone else when the teacher asked "who did this?" and they believed me.
I wonder if they believe me now?
Ride Lo
Who even buys these kind of mags anymore? I mean, I just googled "midget porn" and 1,860,000 results came up in 0.06 seconds.
Oh, Juan. "Felix Gaeta", but he's fictional and that's only if you're a Battlestar Galactica fan.
Doc: its easier to "clean up" the page of a magazine than the keys on a computer
Please, I killed a man once. And by man, I mean woman. And by "killed", i mean sexually, and by "sexually" I mean with my penis. And by "once" I mean frequently. This guys a wuss.
look at the fun bags on that hose hound
yeah Felix i killed a man too. He touched "one of mine" without permission. So i kicked him in the balls and put my heel through his eye…i dont know he may have lived. We werent sticking around to find out. Circa "03"
murdered as in the "I call you killer 'cause you slay me", kind of killer?
Yeah, I thought so…
people that read this shit should be sterilzed and that chick should come take a ride in my motorboat
Juan, kudos for the Felix Frankfurter reference, you never cease to amaze or amuse
Doc: its easier to "clean up" the page of a magazine than the keys on a computer
Isn't that what a raincoat is for? Or an extra sock? Or a Tickle Me Elmo?
"One time, I fought two demons!" Really? "Yah, no shit! Fuckers wouldn't stop making one of my own's head stop spinning around. I punked their ass." You're having a laugh. "Oh yeah, prove I am. I could prove I did it, but why, you're a fag cuz you can't prove I didn't." You're full of shit and everybody reading this knows it. "Oh yeah? I have some sheets stained with shit. Would that convince you? I waved some garlic and olive Newman's Own salad dressing over her and pissed on the dog and BLAMO! Deamons gone." You're a moron. Go fuck yourself.