the island of misfit whores

What in the hell is going on at Playboy?  They had their SuperBowl party yesterday, and there was literally not one painted girl that I would have sex with.  Not one.  And you need to know that I dated a fat girl the summer when I was 12 only because her parents had a pool, so please don’t think I just have some impossibly high standards.  The four above aren’t the ones I mean, they're only there so I don’t startle any of you.  And in the middle is Christine Smith, who has red hair and huge breasts, meaning she might be the Most Perfect Woman On Earth!  But the rest of these whores are a complete mess.  

– The twins Hef dates are genuinely ugly.  I don’t mean to say "they're unattractive" or "not my cup of tea", I mean "ugly".  I’d rather jack off on my foot than their face.  

– This ones nips are pointing so far up, if we were naked I'd think they were looking behind me, like some kind of warning that someone was sneaking up on me.

–  This one is standing in the way of Christine, meaning I would push her out of the way so fast you’d think a donkey just kicked her.

– You could literally fit a third breast between the two this chick already has.  Maybe even a fourth.

– I don’t mean to brag but I know an ex-dude when I see one.

– What is this, Star Wars?

(picture source = splash news)