Tila Tequila was in Beverly Hills yesterday, and for the first time we got to see some of the damage done by Shawn Merriman last weekend. You can almost see the outlines of his hands in the bruises on her arms, but considering he’s an all-pro linebacker and she could be carried around on your back like Yoda, this could have been much much worse. At best she weighs 100 pounds. He weighs 260, 230 of which are steroids.
As an influential Hollywood reporter, I was of course on scene yesterday when these pictures were taken and I got an exclusive interview. When asked what happened, Tila said:
No quote for you GI. You round-eye. Rook rike soldier boy, come at night, burn my willage.
I was surprised at her candor and … aww man. I can’t lie to you guys. I actually made up that quote. I did not get an exclusive interview. I was just pretending to be a big shot so people would think I was cool.