this is why everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 10:22 PM


Insufferable elitist cunt Gwyneth Paltrow has a new interview with Elle Decor magazine and they asked her to list a few things that “she can’t live without”. And since she was born to privilege and deserves to surround herself with nothing but the finest in life, she of course lept at the chance to do some more thinly veiled bragging.

1. DeGournay hand painted wallpaper – “I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.”

Seriously, the first fucking thing on the list of things she can’t live without is hand painted wallpaper. Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock would have said, “my wedding photo” or “a drawing from my son”. Gwyneth Paltrow says, “hand painted wallpaper.” It’s hard to find prices for most of her stuff but this apparently starts at $650 per panel and the average cost is thought to be $12,000 per room. And we both know she didn’t get anything average. Who the fuck even knew they made hand painted wallpaper? It’s like there’s some secret world out there filled with secret stores. What do people like this do for things like toilet paper? Is there a snooty version of that too? Does someone make a daily chinchilla fur for each of her bathrooms and cut it into squares? Christ I’m scared to even look into it.

2. Seasonal flowers – “I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.”

God this is so revealing. She wants the very best but doesn’t want it to look like any effort was involved. Expensive things are just lying around. “It’s just money and there’s plenty of that so who cares.” We’re on number 2 and this is already the least relatable list anyone has ever made about anything.

3. Darren Almond’s photography – “His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

Christies has sold a few of his pictures, ranging from $3,515 to $16,250. Because it’s not like anyone can just go take a fucking picture. And what is she supposed to do, hang pictures of her kids, like some pedophile?

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns – “I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.”

Her son is gonna be so gay.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub – “It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

So yes, it’s not even her main bathtub. I couldn’t find a price for hers, but this one (number 7) from the same company cost $17,300 (updatea quote from the Lupi showroom in Miami, one of only 2 in the US, says the tub cost $9,731). Why, do you just have a tub from Home Depot? And do you fill it with tap water as if you were washing a pig or do you have a crystal reservoir filled with Evian? Oh. Oh I see. How quaint.

6. Religion bookshelf – “Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

Oohh, a shelf that holds things at the same level! How regal! My shelves are all at a 45 degree angle because I wasn’t sophisticated enough to buy one that was flat. (please go look at this bookshelf, by the way. She says “which is how I like to think about religion” as if she has some new take on what the artist was trying to say, when it reality, that’s the entire fucking point of the piece. Her keen observation comes because she understood the very obvious message, yet she’s practically taking credit for the whole thing).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics – “These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

So she’ll read, but only in the most pretentious way possible. And I love how she tacks on the part about sore muscles, as if she was on an assembly line all day.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset – “A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

Naturally, hers is bright red. “Look at me commoners, here I am! Now is your chance to bask in my glow! You’re welcome!”

(23) Comments

  1. avatar
    Mr. Poop 08/11/2011 12:32

    A few of my favorite things.

    1) A custom, hand-blown glass cock ring (I like the feel of natural materials against my shaft)
    2) Original framed Star Wars posters from Burger King (They remind me of my youth . . . I was a swell boy)
    3) 300 thread count, black silk sheets (They are cool to the touch and hide the satin from my nocturnal emissions, or when my girlfriend has her period and “forgets” to tell me.)
    4) Five O’Clock gin (Anyone can buy the good stuff, but I like the pounding headache I get from the finest “well liquor”)
    5) Cottenelle double roll toilet paper (Cause my asshole deserves the best.)

  2. avatar
    fukka diddle 08/11/2011 12:37

    GP = insufferable cunthole.

  3. avatar
    Tuco The Ugly 08/11/2011 12:44

    fukka diddle, Tuco believes you mean….
    Chris Martin = insufferable cunthole.

  4. avatar
    fantasticdan 08/11/2011 12:46

    y u mad? this is all Jay-Z & Kanye rap about and people hand them awards. where’s Paltrow’s awards?

  5. avatar
    Sith138 08/11/2011 12:48

    she looks like a Ninja Turtles villain. i hope a meteor falls on her house and her legs shrivel up….

  6. avatar
    MrAdams 08/11/2011 12:58

    I totally didn’t understand one thing she said. How could she have left out a few barrels of nitromethane is incomprehensible.

  7. avatar
    Admiral 08/11/2011 13:23

    She “can’t live without” hand-painted wallpaper? Fuck, my list is pretty pathetic compared to hers:

    1. Food & Clean Water
    2. Shelter
    3. Air Conditioning
    4. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
    5. Clothing
    6. A job

    Love is not that important, despite what most people say. I thought of putting clothing ahead of the tub on the list, but who could seriously live without that tub?

  8. avatar
    Mr. Poop 08/11/2011 13:40

    New pedo-bear approved up.

  9. avatar
    Observer 08/11/2011 14:20

    ….the interviewer left out “stiff, meaty, veiny, black cocks up her ass…..”

    ….or was that on page two…?

  10. avatar
    nicknogger77 08/11/2011 14:27

    The Cuntiest Cunt in the whole Cuntocresy.

    Where were the custom tampons made from princess Diana’s wedding dress? Guess she forgot.

  11. avatar
    MooneyLesa 08/11/2011 15:17

    I just paid $23,98 for an iPad2-64GB and my girlfriend loves her Panasonic Lumix GF 1 Camera that we got for $37,59 there arriving tomorrow by UPS. I will never pay such expensive retail prices in stores again. Especially when I also sold a 40 inch LED TV to my boss for $677 which only cost me $72,13 to buy. Here is the website we use to get it all from,

  12. avatar
    jbchouheile 08/11/2011 21:59

    Come go and see, will not regret it Oh look


  13. avatar
    nancy reagan 08/11/2011 22:46

    she’s a self-important lunatic, but you can’t fault her taste. de gournay wallpaper is gorgeous, and her other items are not unreasonable for someone in her economic bracket. there are so many legit ways to rip on her; this isn’t one of them.

  14. avatar
    Gort 08/12/2011 08:22

    It’s Elle Decor, what did you expect her to list? Her NASCAR bedsheets and Pizza Hut vouchers?

  15. avatar
    MM 08/12/2011 12:21

    Dude, this post reeks of you’re dick realizing that you’ll never bang anyone that hot.

  16. avatar
    jbchouheile 08/12/2011 22:07


    I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive Free transport

  17. avatar
    oendings 08/13/2011 00:53

    Are you fucking kidding me? Even I have cloth-bound penguin classics? You know why? ‘Cause they’re $10 a fucking pop. That doesn’t make her (or me) pretentious. Get over yourself.

  18. avatar
    WhiteTrashPeg 08/31/2011 04:29

    I heard her farts have the intoxicating bouquet of a buttery Chardonnay, not too oaky and just a hint of apricot.

  19. avatar
    LaGarche DeMonia 09/13/2011 18:54


    (Hint: look for the hidden message.)

  20. avatar
    ratty 09/25/2011 00:44

    She’s better as a camel than as a person

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