Bieber Spits on the Dick Next Door

By Jack March 27, 2013 @ 2:02 PM

Justin Bieber continues his Napoleonic antics by spitting in a neighbor’s face and threatening “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” It seems that the world’s most famous singing lesbian got into an altercation with the guy who lives next door in the exclusive Calabasas neighborhood after coming back from performing his shitty music overseas. The guy confronted Biebs about driving around their rich barrio too fast in his brand new Barbie Dream Ferrari. He also said that the rent boys and Disney rejects that hang out with Biebs were making a lot of noise while he was away. The dude called the cops and said that Biebs hocked a globber in his face and threatened to kill him in his high pitched gelding voice. Now, I totally respect trying to rip off Justin Bieber, but I wonder if there isn’t a bigger issue at stake here. Namely, would you want to seem like you were intimidated by Bieber?

Claiming assault and battery after getting into an altercation with Justin Bieber is like crying out in pain after being licked by a kitten. If Justin Bieber had threatened me with death by his power fists, I would be struck with a serious moral and manly dilemma. Do I swing at him, shattering him into even smaller pieces and end up being sued into oblivion by his army of lawyers? Do I ignore it for the pathetic flailing of a little girl on her period that it probably is? Or do I do what this neighbor seems to be trying to do and get money from him? Yep, door number one. I’d clock him. It’d be worth the next thirty years of legal misery.

wwtdd

(3) Comments

  1. avatar
    labarmand 03/27/2013 15:20

    Like alot of people, I have become frustrated with this website recently but you Jack have started to redeem some of the dumb shit posted recently.

    “Claiming assault and battery after getting into an altercation with Justin Bieber is like crying out in pain after being licked by a kitten.”

    That line made me laugh out loud. Kudos to you Jack.

  2. avatar
    ricb0ni 03/27/2013 17:31

    Had to create an account just to comment on this great piece, I woulda decked that lil bitch too hahahahaha

  3. avatar
    PickedLastInGymClass 03/27/2013 17:40

    Those wounds are real. Justin received them during a spirited cock-shaped pillow fight with Ryan Good, his former swagger coach. Ryan won. He won his freedom, the return of his soul and what little dignity he had left.

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