A female teacher getting caught banging one of her young male student bodies isn’t the news it used to be. Maybe America’s just getting desensitized (or maybe it’s just getting more awesome!). These days, many lady teachers who get caught diddling their young students completely forgo the ‘I’m so sorry’ tearful apologies and go straight into expressing their actually honest batshit crazy feelings. When you know you won’t do any hard time because you’re a hot woman, I guess that frees you up to speak the crazy truth. What follows are the greatest excuses ever claimed in the name of forbidden female teacher love:
“But I’m a Sex Addict”
If nothing else, just mentioning Pamela Rogers gives us an excuse to show this classic cellphone video of her doing a striptease. She sent it to the student she was bumping uglies with, and shockingly he ended up showing it to probably everybody he knew. And this was AFTER the first time she was imprisoned for getting caught with the kid. That video earned her a subsequent seven-year sentence that she tried to undo by convincing a a psychologist that she was a sex addict. That sex addict line might work for celebrities trying to save their marriages, but it won’t do shit good as an excuse for banging jailbait.
Hard to believe, but cheerleaders are only human. They like to party. Sometimes enough booze to blur the fuzzy line between hooking up with a hot dude and molesting a seventh grader. At least that’s what Elizabeth Garner wants you to believe. The latest in the grand tradition of former NFL cheerleaders transitioning to teachers, Garner was arrested just last week and indicted on charges of following a 12-year-old into the bathroom at a house party she was at, grabbing his dick outside his shorts, and trying to give him a blow job. Why the kid resisted and tried to escape is not for me to say. After she was arrested, Garner apparently told detectives she was shitfaced and thought he was somebody else. Little does she know that being drunk and doing stupid shit hasn’t been a valid excuse for at least forty years in this country. Yes, some things in life were better for our grandparents.
“My Husband Was a Dick. I Needed Him Killed Dead”
Ok, so technically Pamela Smart never actually claimed that she needed somebody to murder her husband for her as her sole reason for seducing one of her boy students. But damn. Was that what she had in mind the whole time? Back up all the way to 1990, New Hampshire. Smart meets a student who volunteers with her at an after-school program. They start hitting it off. Less than a year later, her husband is murdered. Coincidence? Nope. Evidently, she had Flynn shoot the poor bastard so she could cash in on his $140,000 life insurance policy. It seems somewhat extreme until you remember when you were a teen, had a hot teacher, and admit that you would’ve gladly murdered fields full of cute puppies with your bare hands if she told you that’s what it took to get into her pussy.
“We’re Already Married, So It’s OK”
Even if you conform to some kind of conventional religion, getting ordained to marry somebody is easier than burning a DVD. Even easier if you’re a Wiccan, or a pagan, or a Jedi like your father before you. You just have to cut your finger and recite a shitty poem about how pointless life is or something similarly dramatic. That’s how teacher Elizabeth Miklosovic conveniently found herself “married” to the female student she got caught fisting, claiming that the eternal bonds of their religiously conferred relationship turned underaged fisting into completely legitimate marital coupling. The fact that Elizabeth thought that fisting, let alone any type of sex outside of a once a month missionary position hump, was somehow part of standard marital relations shows how out of touch she is with the true meaning of marriage.
“I Alone Recognize His Talent”
If Mary Kay Letourneau was a sex tape, she’d be Pam and Tommy Lee. Teacher-student affairs existed before, for sure. But after her, they’d never be the same. And by “never be the same”, I mean they’d get sleazier and way more numerous. Thanks, Mary Kay. By now her case seems like the standard bearer for inappropriate teacher student relations. Girl meets Boy. Girl happens to be teacher. Boy happens to be her 12-year old student. Girl starts spending a lot of time with Boy, because he has “talent”, which seems to be his middle school dick saving her from a loveless marriage. They get caught. Say they’re truly sorry. Start jailbait boning again as soon as the cuffs come off. Get caught again. Claim they’re in love. Girl is pregnant. Girl goes to prison. Boy graduates high school. Get married as soon as Girl gets out of prison. What heartless monster can argue against this fairytale romance?
One thing Debra Lafave has on all the other teachers on this list is that she drove her husband so batshit crazy, that he ended up doing the national talk-show circuit to try and explain her psyche long after the fact. I don’t remember what he said in that video, exactly, because I was too busy imagining how 10-year-old me would’ve duct-taped 10-year-old him to the flag pole for being a dickbag. If anything, Debra Lafave corroborated what he probably had in mind when, after being charged with having sex with said high school freshman in a car while his cousin was driving, she threw up her hands and pleaded insanity. Insanity actually kind of almost works as a defense in many courts. But not nearly as much as being a super hot model looking teacher.