We told you last week about an allegation that Russian president Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The tale goes that Kraft showed the ring to the Dark Lord who promptly stole it for its power and shininess. Putin claims Kraft gave him the ring, creating a hilarious case of he said/she said. Putin has offered a compromise: the gift of a new ring. Putin said he would have a Russian jeweler make a nice piece for the Patriots,
“Something really good, noticeable – so that it is clear that it is an expensive thing, with good metal and a stone…it can be handed down from generation to generation of the team that Mr Kraft represents…this is the smartest, most partner-like solution to this difficult international issue.”
Fuck off, Vlad! Give us back our ring. You can stick that bogus Russian ring right up your ex-Commie keister. Why would we want some shitty, tacky monstrosity made with the cheap yellow gold Russian mobsters wear that turns your skin green? This is about pride. This ring represents achievement in our most important national event: The Super Bowl. If the ring still exists our government needs to get that shit back. What’s Obama doing today? Nothing. Get on this, now.