Sydney Leathers Signs Huge Deal With iHookup

Carlos Danger's favorite text pal Sydney Leathers has reportedly signed a six-figure deal with sexy app iHookup. You'll recall that Sydney is the slutty slut slut at the center of Anthony Weiner's latest jerkoff scandal. She's already released a porn tape, because of course. iHookup is one of those apps where you meet people to have meaningless monkey sex with in the back of your Ford Torino or whatever. The site promises "Casual Dating Based on Sexual Chemistry" and says that Sydney is the perfect spokestrumpet for the site because, "It's all about that instant gratification and hooking up with the right person at the right time. Sydney seems to have that nailed down!"

Once again, dear friends, a person with no moral scruples, talent, or worth as a human being has received a huge payday for bad behavior. How can you look your daughter in the eye and tell her with any kind of honesty that being a slutty star fucker/sexter doesn't pay? You can't. I hope we all get wiped out by a fucking asteroid, alien invasion, zombie apocalypse, or robot uprising. We deserve it.

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