Rory McIlroy Calls Off Wedding With Caroline Wozniacki

By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 2:31 PM

Caroline Wozniacki In Underwear For JBS Campaign
Rory McIlroy has decided to call off his pending wedding to Caroline Wozniacki. Rory claims the process of sending out the wedding invitations forced him to search his soul and conclude that he could bang tons of hot model chicks for the next ten to fifteen years and then still marry a good looking tennis player. He sent out a very personal, touching public statement via his sports management company press release:

The problem is mine. The wedding invitations issued at the weekend made me realize that I wasn’t ready for all that marriage entails. There is no right way to end a relationship that has been so important to two people. I wish Caroline all the happiness she deserves and thank her for the great times we have had. I will not be saying anything more about our relationship in any setting.

The bigger question is, where the fuck are the buddies who are supposed to be warning you off getting married at 25 in the first place. The dudes who when you first say, hey, guys, I’m thinking about getting married, they punch you in the gut and say the fuck you are, you dumb mick tool. You’ve been given a true gift by God above. No, not your little putting shit. You can have any woman in the world any given day, two on Tuesdays, and you’re not throwing that away. That’s a sin. Now go be seen leaving Nina Agdal’s beach house early in the morning wearing the same thing you were the night before and stop being such a golf pussy.

Photo Credit: JBS

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(3) Comments

  1. avatar
    God Hath Spoken 05/21/2014 15:15

    Rory McIlroy hasn’t looked in the mirror lately.

  2. avatar
    Shortshanks 05/21/2014 15:46

    Who?

    …and who else?

  3. avatar
    DrainBammage 05/22/2014 01:21

    Hey, I thought he was gay (or maybe its the british accent. or the fact that he plays golf), so it wasnt a total waste!
    or maybe its the thought of his wife spending most of her career surrounded by world class athletic guys
    who want to fsck her every single day/

    She looks like Rhonda Rousey would if she didnt have Down’s Syndrome, so while she is no Ana Ivanovic, she not bad.

    yeah, there are tons of coked out anorexic who will give you some weak comatosed handy, girls who have no world class tennis stamina to fsck you into total body traction. But while your average supermodel’s ethiopian size arms have never forced anything more than a bottles of Oxycontin, this Woz chick must have a grip on your c0ck that must be simply unreal.
    Im sure its nothing like being mounted by the William’s 6 inch clitoris but give me a sleek, strong, athletic tennis player that can keep going on for three sets (women shouldnt get equal pay unless they play 5 sets at the majors btw) over the concentration camp chicks with the body tone of 9 yr old boys.
    And if you can get one of the many with daddy issues, your d1ck will be in heaven.

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