ESPN started The Body Issue to show Sports Illustrated that they too could run issues that really had nothing to do with sports. The difference is the SI Swimsuit issue features the hottest chick models in the world. The Body Issue features women who are professional athletes bearing ACL scars, Magnus ver Magnusson pecs, and barbed wire tattoos. Also, SI doesn’t headline dudes in banana hammocks. The ESPN Body Issue is mostly dudes. Hairy dudes, dudes with dreadlocks, all kinds of dudes just being naked sexy dudes. The promotional literature for the magazine actually contains the words First Baseman. I always found the towel snapping jock culture to be latently homoerotic, but when a magazine’s entire audience is male and they publish an issue of naked guys, it isn’t homoerotic, its just homo. The female headliner this year is the delicate Venus Williams who would suffice if you were on your first prison conjugal in more than eighteen months. For all its airbrushing, the SI Swimsuit Issue remains a classy way to masturbate. I’m not janking my piece looking at Michael Phelps. Maybe Marshawn Lynch, thinking about how he busts through tackles. That’s pretty fucking hot.
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