Archie Died Today Saving Gay Bestie

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 3:39 PM


Comic book icon Archie Andrews died today saving his gay best friend from an assassin’s bullet. On a happier note, the town of Riverdale was a taught a valuable lesson on cultural tolerance and the need for gun control.

He dies in the manner that epitomizes not only the best of Riverdale but the best of all of us. — Jon Goldwater, Archie Comics publisher and co-CEO

Four years ago the folks at Archie Comics decided that Life With Archie should be a beacon of social progress rather than just a silly but lovable comic book around since 1941. They introduced Kevin Keller, the comic’s first gay character and military veteran who quickly went on to get gay married to a gay soldier he met while both were recovering in a hospital from being super gay brave. Keller got his own Archie comic book series complete with boy-boy kissing and running for Senate for which GLAAD invented eleven new awards just to honor. Keller was also Archie’s very best friend in the whole wide Riverdale world. It made perfect sense that Archie’s life would come to an end today taking a bullet meant for freshman Senator Keller and his bold gun-control agenda. The ultimate sacrifice.

The world of Riverdale has to reflect contemporary culture and to show it is an accepting, diverse place. — Dan Parent, Life with Archie creator

I guess this would be that contemporary culture where there are no openly homosexual Senators. Though if they existed, they’d be accepted, or, you know, assassinated. I don’t even understand this message and I’m a guy who loves being lectured to by self-righteous cartoonists with a political agenda.

I could care less if Archie’s corpse is desecrated by Jughead who Facebook now allows to use Necrophiliac as relationship status. I was always more into Fantastic Four and The Avengers. And it’s none of my business if Ben Grimm is a cock fiend of extraordinary proportions. I just want everybody to do their jobs. Save the fucking universe. Or I guess Archie’s job, taking a bullet from a reactionary right wing political nut job who thinks violence is the solution to an evolving cultural landscape that scares him and Jesus. At least Archie is spared the indignity of seeing what comes next.

(8) Comments

  1. avatar
    Mdogg34 07/15/2014 15:57

    You are the shit. Do you blog anywhere else?

  2. avatar
    Hugh G. Rection 07/15/2014 17:09

    Hits all the high points of the leftist/marxist agenda. Pro-LGBTQ, anti-gun, anti-Christian, anti-conservative. Nicely played, Mr. Goldwater.

  3. avatar
    Admiral 07/15/2014 17:28

    He took a bullet to help spread AIDS and pedophilia. Jeez, thanks a lot, Archie.

  4. avatar
    Beylerbey 07/15/2014 17:42

    Remember the scene in The Running Man where it’s revealed that Whitman, Price, and the other guy (Hadun?) did not win the game but died playing it? If we search the sewers, eventually we’ll find the skeletonized remains of Archie and all his friends, cause they died a long time ago.

  5. avatar
    Gildorg 07/15/2014 21:50

    So glad I stopped reading that comic so many years ago!

  6. avatar
    Roadshitter6.5 07/16/2014 05:08

    This fall Charlie Brown gets blown up by jihadists while preaching religious tolerance and Dilbert goes on an office shooting spree after getting his job outsourced to India.
    WTF part of comics is so hard for these assholes understand?

  7. avatar
    MacDaddy 07/16/2014 06:34

    Roadshitter6.5 Now that shit is funny! And True!

  8. avatar
    Habsburg_Barbarian 07/16/2014 08:04

    Betty and Veronica are gonna need, uhhh, comforting. On my way, I must remember to pick up some massage oil from the Riverdale CVS.

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