Olive Garden Goes For Broke

Olive Garden recently offered a promotional pass where you get unlimited pasta, salad, and breadsticks for seven weeks for $100 dollars. They limited the number of passes sold to 1,000 at the pleading of the American Diabetes Association. Because we’re fucking awesomely in our bargain obesity and lousy with the math, all the passes sold out within a few hours. I wonder if most of these bargain bin pasta aficionados even knew you’d have to eat at Olive Garden once a week for the next seven weeks just to break even. Are you willing to hit the Garden twenty times in the next month and a half just to prove a point that you’re not sucker? That’s a lot of frozen Alfredo sauce passing through your colon like a cream pinwheel of razor blades. Any decent bachelor knows you can buy a loaf of sourdough at the store after 3pm for about two bucks, and enough pasta to fill your gut twice over for another two. We already know you’re not eating salad.

Olive Garden is responding to the intense demand and will be releasing more of these passes in the future, so if you know anyone who is struggling to remain overweight tell them to get on this immediately.