Taylor Swift Is Having an Orgasm

I can’t imagine the stage direction to get Taylor Swift to look like she’s about to climax. Maybe they told her to imagine an all-day marathon of Designing Women in her comfiest pajamas while her lame ex-boyfriend learns he has The AIDS from cheating on her. It’s hard to know exactly what can bring Taylor Swift to the height of ecstasy but the suffering of others has to be a key component.

Some MBA at the record label crunched some numbers recently and determined that Taylor’s competition for new dollars is her overly-sexualized skeevy pop star counterparts. So she’s putting together a pro forma album full of high energy crap for tweens and letting herself be filmed in a wet t-shirt in Rolling Stone. When Miley Cyrus got her Rolling Stone feature she tattooed Rolling $tone on the soles of her feet and then fucked a powered-up inking needle so deep that her future baby will be able to see the word ‘Bangerz’ in their gestational hold.

Taylor Swift couldn’t pull the trigger on anything so decidedly rock and roll, but she did give Rolling Stone some raspberry scones and an inanely boring tour of her new $5 million apartment. It’s clear from this article that Taylor Swift is either the most insipidly uninteresting rich woman in the entire world, or she’s hiding something really dark and mysterious. Like Bruce Wayne or Patrick Bateman, with a heavy lean toward the obsessive compulsive serial killer. It’s probably not right to dislike somebody for just being themselves, but if it ever becomes acceptable, I’d start with Taylor Swift.

Photo Credit: Rolling Stone