Online Dating Goes Manual

Lovepalz is an online dating network taking cybersex to the next level, one which is not at all necessary. It allows you to find profile matches and offers the ability to control the sex toy speed and vibration of your partner remotely via the internet. There are two female and male toys compatible with the site which are sold at a markup only raging perverts and aging socialite recluse fan fiction authors would spring for. Their top selling male product is a $189 dollar contraption called Zeus.

“With its innovative air pump, Zeus simulates the sensation of female genitalia, giving users a realistic representation of intercourse.”

Did anyone in marketing stop to think Zeus is a dude’s name? Chicks definitely won’t go for this, which is probably appropriate since that Guatemalan virgin you’re talking to is likely a fat dude in Akron. Rest assured this site will be overrun by creepy gay dudes, a few embedded web cam chicks, and a shit load of Russians who just want to fuck something up. Letting someone control a thing attached to your junk is a strong commitment, possibly more so than maintaining a monogamous relationship over several decades. One error in judgement and you’ve just lost life enabling oxygen to your junk. For the price of that contraption there’s a Thai massage place down the street that will do what they’ve been doing since ten thousand years before Wifi was invented. Some things were definitely better before the Internet, we just don’t remember.