Just Go To Gamblers Anonymous Already

If you aren’t really into football but love gambling on minor nuances of the Super Bowl then you’re a poser dipshit who will ruin the game for anyone in the same room. The fucker who’s entrenched one minute because he bet on the length of a punt and walks in front of the TV on Fourth and Goal. The following are prop bets you can make if you haven’t already destroyed your marriage and woken up in the gutter grasping soggy sportsbook tickets:

How long will it take India Menzel to sing the national anthem? Will India Menzel forget or omit at least one word of the National Anthem? Will Marshawn Lynch grab his crotch after scoring a TD? Will Bill Belichick’s hoodie have sleeves or not? How many times will Gisele Bundchen be shown on TV during the game? What color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the winning coach? Who will win the opening coin toss? Who will Barack Obama pick to win the game? Will Katy Perry show cleavage or not?

I always recommend trusting shady overseas online gambling sites with subjective material such as a crotch grab. My friend, he has the jock itch and lightly scratched his left testicle. File a report with the Embassy if you don’t like it. If you are making these bets it’s clear you have too many to keep track of. Do you have four hours to re-watch the game on DVR the following Monday and count the Gisele sightings? Of course you do. Otherwise you’d put a few hundred on the game like a man and suffer in silence.

Photo Credit: GamblersAnonymous.org