Soylent Green Is Raccoon!

We are blessed to live in a day and age when entitled millennials with selective outrage are outfitted with cellphone cameras to document atrocities. Not so much ISIS beheadings or a Kardashians pissing in a lobby, but an Asian market selling dead raccoons. Some chick found a ‘fucking raccoon’ at a market in L.A. where the checkout people all wear knitted fingerless gloves and went into full Michael Moore documentary mode minus the signature out of breath huffing and wheezing.  Yes, bitch, you just solved the Lindbergh kidnapping. Watch out for crazy Asians in Civics trying to drive you off the road.

Desperately wholesome Southerners and Appalachian American folk have been eating raccoon since forever. It tastes just like chicken. It’s easy to fall in love with raccoons because they’re cute and furry and scavenge garbage and carry rabies, but they are a sustainable varmint that regenerate their own populations just as fast as you can eat them. You might be able to live on toaster pastries and Fred Figglehorn videos. The rest of the world needs to hunt, skin, and consume God’s lunchables.