Germans Diddled Their Diesels

Volkswagen figured out how to beat the intense new diesel engine emissions standards of the U.S. and California in particular. They installed smart software on eleven million VW and Audi engines that sensed when they were being tested for emissions and would lower the nitrogen oxide gas outputs before returning to the higher pollution levels required to meet their heavily promoted higher than average gas mileage. It’s disturbing in its genius. Until you get caught, silly Germans. Then you have to confess. Then we have to hold trials and hang a bunch of you before it happens all over again. The head of VW apologized on behalf of heartfelt multinational CEOs everywhere:

So let’s be clear, our company was dishonest with the EPA, with the California Air Resources Board, and with you. In my German words, we totally screwed up. We must fix those cars, and prevent this from ever happening again.

This is the worst boyfriend apology ever. I fucked your sister and I’m sorry. It won’t ever happen again, not including the times you’re out of town and she comes over drunk and horny. I’m good with the apology. If you’re not cheating, you’re not really trying. The Germans make a few genocidal blunders here and there, but they’re efficient motherfuckers.  Germany should conquer California and lets see if the roads don’t finally get fixed. I could learn something other than the Spanish that has gotten me no more than the proper order at a taqueria.

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