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Cry Gun Control, You Will Feel Better

October 2, 2015 | crowd favorites | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments

Another day, another college shooting. Another cry for gun control by politicians and hashtaggers who have no actual ability to control guns. There will guns widely available in this nation for at least as long as anybody reading this post is alive. You think it’s impossible to deport eleven million illegals? Try rounding up 250 million guns and melting them in the giant furnace the EPA never approves. Just like Mexicans, they will make more guns and they will come back. We have Draconian prohibitions on recreational narcotics. We have tens of thousand of armed officers spending tens of billions of dollars a year to make sure that shit is never seen in this land. How’s that going? But, fuck, stand on the dead bodies and call for gun control you know wouldn’t work even if somebody White Outed the Second Amendment.

We can’t outlaw single mothers or dads who abandon their kids in utero or Internet chat room antisocial sickness or fucked up cowardly narcissists who correctly assume that mass murder is their only chance to be splashed all over TV like a Kardashian and are determined to reenact Columbine at the local community college for posthumous 24 hour coverage on cable news. We rightfully assume Al Qaeda and ISIS militants are irrational suicidal types hellbent on destruction and we annihilate them without hesitation from the sky because asking to meet at TGIFridays for unlimited apps and a friendly confab seems moot. We smudge them out like bugs. Yet we can’t accept the fact that we have bugs living among us who look kind of like us and who the neighbors will describe as quiet, but good kids. Americans have PBS and fat-free frozen yogurt universally available. We don’t have young men without fathers descending into madness and mass murderer worships on their blogs and websites and their basement rooms plastered with news clipping on their wall next to the guns and ammo nobody knows they possess because nobody cares.

There’s not a single one of these campus killers who couldn’t be pegged in a basic mental health eval a year before the killings. Say, by any chance, are you suicidally depressed about how life keeps handing you lemons? Have you noticed yourself collecting weapons lately to counter the massive conspiracy against you? Are you an 18-30 year old male with a history of mental illness in your family who never gets laid? Do you have detailed maps of the local learning institutions on your wall coded with squares and circles and the words ‘start the killings here.’ Do you own body armor and can you recite the names of previous mass shooting perpetrators cross indexed by name and date and numbers killed? Not a single one of these guys would ever make it to the gate at an Israeli airport just from visual eye and mannerism inspection. But complex problems require quick and futile solutions. Gun control. Also, more kids need the chance to go to college. We’re running out of targets.

Photo credit: Getty Images

ETA: My followup piece comparing Obama’s preferred method of death, cigarettes, to gun homocides on LastMenonEarth.com

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