Jake Gyllenhaal Self-Serving Advice

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal was promoting his new movie, Demolition, when the topic of being a child star came up. Despite his personal success transitioning from Hollywood kid to Hollywood adult, Gyllenhaal warned against the pitfalls of child acting,

“I think any professional business for a child where they’re not allowed to necessarily be a child is always dangerous. You know? I think kids should be allowed to be kids.”

Fuck that. You know what kids do? They eat. They break shit. They’re expensive and the sum total of their contribution is cleaning their room. I’ve got a dog that can lick her own anus clean and can handle gluten. Sure Drew Barrymore was doing coke by the time she was in the third grade she wasn’t allowed to attend. Corey Haim, Edward Furlong, Dana Plato, all cautionary tales. But Barrymore’s fine now. And look at Jerry O’Connell. Even Corey Feldman’s still finding a way to get laid off a couple decent film years in the late eighties. Every family with two or more kids has at least one fuck-up in the bunch. The odds of any fetus turning into a fine adult are slim. If your kid is fucking adorable and can take stage direction, roll the dice and let ’em get paid while they can. It’s all a monotonous slog towards death anyway. Stop trying not to share your pie, Gyllenhaal.

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