Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Co-Exist

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Were In The Same Place Last Night And Nothing Happened
A you stole my man with your slutty vagina accusation lingers on through eternity. At the time, it seemed easy to peg. Jennifer Aniston was vanilla ice cream and Angelina Jolie was hot pussy juice flavored ice cream and stole Brad Pitt because he has a dick and that’s how dicks works. Jennifer Aniston has spent the past decade pretending like that’s not what happened and she’s crazy fuckable. Angelina Jolie has spent the past decade doing every possible thing she could do to become less desirable. Adopting the united colors of Benneton babies, directing important films because somebody has to, and hatcheting off her breasts to counter future cancer. All of which goes to show Brad Pitt’s lucky bastard karma isn’t what you think. Also, I might be sexist for saying that shit about Angelina Jolie being less desirable now.

Photo Credit: INF

Angelina Jolie Anorexic For The People

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 9:39 AM

Angelina Jolie Looking Chesty On The Set Of Her Movie 'Unbroken' In Australia

Japanese actor Miyavi was grasping at straws to explain how amazing Angelina Jolie is and came up with she didn’t eat very much while directing Unbroken out of solidarity for the actors who were playing emaciated prisoners. Or she’s just really emaciated playing just herself. She probably hasn’t eaten a proper sandwich since Girl Interrupted and may have thrown it up. Apparently this qualifies as heroism:

“She came to the set every day, giving advice to the actors, and she actually didn’t eat much. She was so thin because most of the actors were not able to eat because they’re prisoners in the prison camp. So she was so close to us.”

She’d really be bearing a cross if she were able to lift it. If she loses five more pounds and her jaw juts out a few more inches I guess we can chalk that up to mouth cancer awareness. If she ends up dragging her bobble head around due to lack of neck muscle let’s make it for AIDS. When she gains the weight back let’s go with combating anorexia. Point is everything she does is awesome including this mediocre film.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Brad and Angelina Support the Shit Out of Their Tranny Third Grader

By Lex December 24, 2014 @ 11:22 AM

Brad-Pitt-and-Family-at-Unbroken-Premiere

Celebrity reporters are fingering themselves with approval over Brad and Angelina encouraging their grade school daughter Shiloh to live life as a boy named John. According to every gender identity expert found at any British college you’ve never heard of, indulging your children’s tranny experimentation is the key to a healthy child. Yes, it used to be vitamins and exercise, now it’s this. Shiloh’s transformation has everything to do with gender identity crisis and nothing to do with a child searching for a modicum of attention in the International House of Wee Pals with celebrity parents, one of whom just lopped off her own tits to quell a possible visit from future cancer. After the third night of mom’s favorite bedtime story ‘All The Jolie Women Die Horribly Young’, I’d start binding any hint of female identify and start calling myself John as well. You can’t cut off my tits if we all pretend I’m never getting any. Put down the hatchet, mother, I’m your son John, don’t you remember? I’ll put on my overalls and we’ll go do something UNICEF in Malawi.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Angelina Jolie Is a Hack And Shit Around The Web

By Jack December 10, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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One of the things revealed in the big Sony email hack was veteran producer Scott Rudin calling Angelina Jolie “a minimally talented, spoiled brat.” as he bitched about her plans to star in a $180 million Cleopatra film certain to be a miserable fail. She is a pretty shitty actress. I mean, when you can’t pull off Laura Croft you’ve got problems.

Read all about Scott’s distaste for Angie. (TMZ)

Dioni Tabbers has some big old titties, for real. (Drunken Stepfather)

This is Trew Mullen and this is her sexy bikini body. (Hollywood Tuna)

Meanwhile, Daisy Lowe shows off some amazing cleavage at the GQ Christmas lunch. (Popoholic)

Jennifer Lopez is dressed like a space roman but she’s still kinda hot. (Huffington Post)

The new Mad Max trailer looks fucking weird. (The Superficial)

Tricia Helfer and Katee Sackhoff in a sexy calendar gives me a nergasm. (COED)

Angelina Jolie Deemed Pretentious

By Matt December 01, 2014 @ 7:16 AM

Jolie

Angelina Jolie directed a biopic about an athlete turned WWII prisoner of war that will make your girlfriend cry. She turned in her final cut to Universal, who decided it was painfully slow and and pretentious, An insider who has seen the entire Rocky franchise summed it up as follows:

“Universal re-edited her movie, because it was too arthouse.. They took control and edited it into a more commercial movie.”

Its tough to bastardize something that’s heavy handedly nipping at your ass cheeks but I’m sure Universal accomplished the task. Instead of a lingering pan to a symbolic mountain look for some jump cuts to some Youtube nut shot videos. They don’t make movies like they used to. That’s because Hitchcock died of grilled cheese a few years back.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Angelina Jolie’s Construction Seems Intact

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Looks Curvy In Tight Wrap Dress During A Photo Call For Her Self Directed Film Unbroken
Angelina Jolie is in Australia promoting her Oscar bait film Unbroken. Hollywood loves an epic bio pic. Before Angelina Jolie cured her future cancer by lopping off her breasts, maybe she was considered a bit edgy and blemished for the Academy. But it’s amazing what a strong stance against disease can do for you reputation. If the American Taliban requested the removal of his left nut and donned a pink ribbon, he’d probably be out by now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI