Angelina Jolie Updates the U.N.

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 11:53 AM

Angelina Jolie Attends Security Council Meetings At The UN
Angelina Jolie will take a break from freaking out her kids with her preventative organ removals for matters of international importance. Like when the United Nations Security Council calls her in to solve the Syrian refugee problem. Having a high school dropout with severe emotional problems as your chief figurer outer on Syrian refugees doesn’t mean you’re not a competent organization, it probably just suggests you could operate out of a strip mall with something less than six billion in funding. I may be alone in thinking Angelina should be good at her day job before we let her take weekend control of the world army of blue helmets and French diplomats with a penchant for hotel maid rape. The UN gets nothing done so this is mostly for show. It’s like when you ask your girlfriend how can you be a better boyfriend. Everybody gets laid for a night and feels like they’ve made progress. Come morning, you’ve got ten thousand Syrian Shias dead in a ditch but there’s always more girlfriends.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Angelina Jolie Cuts Out More Shit

By Lex March 24, 2015 @ 12:05 PM

Angelina-jolie-As-Ms-Smith

Angelina Jolie lopped off both her breasts a couple years ago in order to avoid future cancer predicted as more likely than not by her genetic drill down. Jolie and her vivisected tits were carried on high by throngs of cheering women who don’t get similar thrills from sports. Last week Angelina Jolie decided to have her tubes and ovaries raked out as well, just in case. The DGA has pretty good insurance bennies plus she still had store credit. Grab the shears and cut that shit out. Angelina insists that trimming out all her lady parts doesn’t make her feel any less woman:

I feel feminine, and grounded in the choices I am making for myself and my family.  l know my children will never have to say, ‘Mom died of ovarian cancer.

That’s a good point. If you keep cutting out organs, you will never die of cancer. Also, if you never eat you won’t have to worry about GMOs. Angelina’s deleted reproductive system was tested and showed no signs of cancer which doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t someday get cancer, only that if Jesus is a prankster, she’s going to take a quick fatal hit from a fast moving bus. Busses don’t give a shit about proactive.

Hot Single Girls Seeking Men And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 24, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

Chivettes-Looking-for-Love

Sometimes I wonder about important shit. Like if seeing hot selfies of single girls helps or hinders the dating process. Just kidding. I don’t think about that shit. I just look at their tits and ass and hope they put out after apps at TGIFridays like the rest of you.

Single Chivettes with hot selfies looking for love. (TheChive)

Mexican model Alejandra Guilmant shows off her naked tamales for you. (Egotastic)

Miley Cyrus deep throats a banana because it’s a Tuesday. (Drunken Stepfather)

Holly Madison wanted to kill herself rather than touch Heff’s shriveled old dick. (The Superficial)

Jay Z settled out of court with his bastard son. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney swings her tits on Dancing with the Stars. (COED)

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders go splashy splashy in bikinis at the beach. (Busted Coverage)

Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Co-Exist

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Were In The Same Place Last Night And Nothing Happened
A you stole my man with your slutty vagina accusation lingers on through eternity. At the time, it seemed easy to peg. Jennifer Aniston was vanilla ice cream and Angelina Jolie was hot pussy juice flavored ice cream and stole Brad Pitt because he has a dick and that’s how dicks works. Jennifer Aniston has spent the past decade pretending like that’s not what happened and she’s crazy fuckable. Angelina Jolie has spent the past decade doing every possible thing she could do to become less desirable. Adopting the united colors of Benneton babies, directing important films because somebody has to, and hatcheting off her breasts to counter future cancer. All of which goes to show Brad Pitt’s lucky bastard karma isn’t what you think. Also, I might be sexist for saying that shit about Angelina Jolie being less desirable now.

Photo Credit: INF

Angelina Jolie Anorexic For The People

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 9:39 AM

Angelina Jolie Looking Chesty On The Set Of Her Movie 'Unbroken' In Australia

Japanese actor Miyavi was grasping at straws to explain how amazing Angelina Jolie is and came up with she didn’t eat very much while directing Unbroken out of solidarity for the actors who were playing emaciated prisoners. Or she’s just really emaciated playing just herself. She probably hasn’t eaten a proper sandwich since Girl Interrupted and may have thrown it up. Apparently this qualifies as heroism:

“She came to the set every day, giving advice to the actors, and she actually didn’t eat much. She was so thin because most of the actors were not able to eat because they’re prisoners in the prison camp. So she was so close to us.”

She’d really be bearing a cross if she were able to lift it. If she loses five more pounds and her jaw juts out a few more inches I guess we can chalk that up to mouth cancer awareness. If she ends up dragging her bobble head around due to lack of neck muscle let’s make it for AIDS. When she gains the weight back let’s go with combating anorexia. Point is everything she does is awesome including this mediocre film.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Brad and Angelina Support the Shit Out of Their Tranny Third Grader

By Lex December 24, 2014 @ 11:22 AM

Brad-Pitt-and-Family-at-Unbroken-Premiere

Celebrity reporters are fingering themselves with approval over Brad and Angelina encouraging their grade school daughter Shiloh to live life as a boy named John. According to every gender identity expert found at any British college you’ve never heard of, indulging your children’s tranny experimentation is the key to a healthy child. Yes, it used to be vitamins and exercise, now it’s this. Shiloh’s transformation has everything to do with gender identity crisis and nothing to do with a child searching for a modicum of attention in the International House of Wee Pals with celebrity parents, one of whom just lopped off her own tits to quell a possible visit from future cancer. After the third night of mom’s favorite bedtime story ‘All The Jolie Women Die Horribly Young’, I’d start binding any hint of female identify and start calling myself John as well. You can’t cut off my tits if we all pretend I’m never getting any. Put down the hatchet, mother, I’m your son John, don’t you remember? I’ll put on my overalls and we’ll go do something UNICEF in Malawi.

Photo credit: Getty Images